What retreat?????

Oh how aware I am of the forcing part of me. Teeth slightly gritted, leaning forward, eager and curious yes but also hurrying, greedy, frowning. Sort of like this–

Oh how aware I am of how this naturally curious part of me crosses an invisible line into hurrying, pushing, forcing and how this exhausts me. Not as aware of when I cross, more after the fact when I’m feeling more like this–

My intention for my retreat is the beloved Rilke poem, from the Book of Hours:

            I believe in all that has never yet been spoken
            I want to free what waits within me
            so that what no one has dared to wish for
            may for once spring clear
            without my contriving.

            If this is arrogant, God, forgive me,
            but this is what I need to say.
            May what I do flow from me like a river,
            no forcing and no holding back,
            the way it is with children.

            Then in these swelling and ebbing currents,
            these deepening tides moving out, returning,
           I will sing you as no one has,
            streaming through ever widening channels
            into the open sea.

Week one has been about awareness of my almost constant propensity for forcing, and how very tentative the body and mind and mood of no forcing, no holding back is for me. When I walk/run/dance in the woods, I inquire "What might no forcing, no holding back feel like right now?" During yoga practice, during art making yesterday, hanging out with Lilly, I inquire… I don’t try to make it happen (yeah for me), I get very curious and I feel how shy and beyond words, no more than a whisper at this point, this juncture is for me.

I’ve taken to writing my to-do lists on the Brain Trust forum (the brain trust is Molly, Michele, Michael and Mark and we have a forum where we post what we are doing for the day as well as share questions, support, and resources) by highlighting in red what I’m doing that day but aren’t fully excited about or could be letting go of… so that’s helping.

It’s a whole new animal for me: a working-and-in-the-midst-of-life-retreat. Yet exactly what I need as so much of my grim grinding flatness seems to be rooted in my forcing of my creative work.

I am basking in your support and comments – so wise! So generous! So poetic! I’m receiving, receiving, receiving.