21 responses so far ↓

• 1 IRENE Aug 30, 2006

  Duty, I think, is my number one reason to go on. It may sound old fashioned at first, but it is much broader than the word suggest.

  I feel that I have a duty toward my children, my husband, his parents, to do at least the minimum I can do simultaneously to keep everyone happy as best as I can. this is my first level duty, and I’ve always done that, too often neglecting or even hurting myself.

  For many years I have drained every drop of energy from myself in order to in order to, first, be a model daughter (though never good enough), model student, model Christian. I then spent thousands of sleepless days in order to keep house (no help)while working in my husband’s work (unpaid, no insurance), raising our children (no help), and being a good daughter to his parents.

  Then I discovered another level of duty. Through reading and thinking, (no wonder all totalitarian regimes ban reading or encourage non-thinking activities like arenas, TV and Champions League football), I discovered that I have a duty to my own existance. I have to justify and honor my presence on this earth. In that respect, Comfort Queen is one of the most important books I have read in my life.

  “Happiness is your birth right” is one of the most revealing phrases I try to remind myself.

  It took me nearly four decades, the rebel teens, the sweet 20s and the powerful 30s, to find out this truth. I cannot turn the clock back. But I can show my daughters what is important in life. At least what I think is important, like love thyself first in order to be able to trully love thy neighbor (not out of dry Christian duty, but because it fills and lifts your soul. Respect yourself and honor the unique being you are.

  It is not easy at all, because I often return to the old patterns of hanging on to my painful stories and experiences, that refuse to get uprooted or silenced. I am amidst this turmoil in this phase of my life.

  This year I asked my husband for insurance. He refused state insurance (the one that allows retirement benefits).I persevered, gently, quietly, collectedly. Finally he settled for private. It is not much, but it is something. And I am now working on taking one afternoon off. To read, to listen, to be.

  I am in love with these small, subtle changes. The feeling of being right with yourself and your self respect is so strong, that once experienced you’d want to feel it again. To feel that regardless of if and who recognises your worth and your offerings, YOU are honoring your OWN worth, firtst and foremost.

  And this is our duty to ourselves and to the Higher Force that rules all of Nature. And Us.

• 2 Beth Quinlan Aug 30, 2006

  I wanted to respond to the question about how you take care of yourself in the midst of crisis. This makes me think of the times when I have had children hospitalized (I was there 24/7 and would/could have been no where else) and the three times my mother was hospitalized for two weeks periods (3 times in 2 years) with serious conditions.

  When people told me to take care of myself, it didn’t really help. I was not going to leave my children and I was going to visit my mother (often staying for 6 or 7 hours because I was able to help her). In those situations, though, I began to look for new routines and moments that kept me aligned. No way was I going to make my yoga class or have a leisurely breakfast on the back patio.

  What I could and did do, was to listen to the Tarzan cd in the car on the way to the hospital. Phil Collins signing about love and survival helped. I also made a point to make a connection with the kind man who took my parking money every morning. I stopped at the coffee shop, bought myself a tea and smiled at the good-hearted teasing among the volunteer workers. I became very mindful about the small things.

  The unexpected bonus of these experiences was to realize how incredibly freeing it was to focus on the crisis at hand. I gave myself permission to let go of a lot of stuff (and other people gave me that gift as well). There was something really pure about the focus of those days. Of course, for some things I paid a price later. Other stuff, I saw very clearly, just wasn’t that important.

• 3 Becky Aug 30, 2006

  I get asked this question almost everyday. I have three children the youngest16month having special complex needs. How do you do it ? i always ask back how can you not. These are my children this is my honor to look after a gift i have been presented. I don’t know about god or higher power but i do know about stregth and my daughter has been through things i never thought i would see or want to see. IF she has the stregth to get up everyday and bable and smile for me. Then how do i not? there is no choice there is no option you just do, it is what it is. I get through lately by telling myself one bite at a time,one step at a time. There was a time that i had to do 5 min at a time and i will make it through this.

• 4 Virginia Henry Aug 30, 2006

  Dearest Jennifer,

  It has been 12 and1/2 years since my Dad past on. I could have had him longer if I had ignored his requests for his life. It has been something I continue to think about almost all the time. There are times when I catch a glimps of him from someone and I really feel the loss of him. I am glad he told me what he wanted as I think I would have done everything to keep him with me as long as I could. But he was always a strong man and that is the way I remember him. Making his own desicions. I know he was terrified of not having control of his life so I did as he asked. Ask your Dad what he wants from you when you are alone with him. I had two brothers at the time and I was the only daughter and baby of the family gut I was the only one who he talked to about how he felt because I was the only one who asked. When he goes pray it is in peace and with as little pain as possiblr but most of all with happiness for the life he has had. My prayers are with you and your folks. Tell him what’s on your mind don’t wait…never wait.

• 5 Madeline Aug 30, 2006

  You take care of yourself because, well, you MUST. When we are young we dance through life with babies on the hip, making steak out of hamburger, driving old cars, and looking to our futures.. the ones’ we’re planning with our loved ones. We cope, we scrimp, we work we play.. we raise our young.We have such faith.

  In the middle we get to rest on our laurels a little, some of us, the lucky ones of us. Our kids start to be a little more independent. The husband graduates. You take a few classes yourself.. We have an hour here or there.. for–OURSELVES! Some plans pan out perfectly, other dreams get left by the wayside. We press on, we revise, we improvise.

  WE grow older, we accumulate some..wisdom. The leaves turn color, sometimes the harsh winds of winter blow harder one month than the next.. we grasp at the cloak of our experiences, we hunger for more cheerful easier, naive times..

  We are women, and our lineage insists we keep on walking through the forest, thorugh the evergreen parts and into the weeds, through the poison ivy and into the fields of marigolds.. all of it, we get to skip none of it.

  You will make time to nurture yourself because you MUST. Your children (potential)grandchildren your friends your own sweet spirit push you forward into the unknown..

  You will ask your Dad the very hard questions. You are becoming the baby crone, practicing her magic, can you weave this experience into something useful, fulfilling, heart-warming.. yes, EVEN THIS.

  We do it all the time–we women, wise wise women.

  Light a candle, take a long bubble bath. Pray ,meditate. Be bold and take a weekend AWAY with a spouse or partner.. let go– the world will turn without your constant vigilance..

  you will do this because.. you MUST!

  I love that song by Carly Simon: a lyric goes “There’s more room in a broken heart..”

  bless you!!

  MADELINE

• 6 Judith Aug 30, 2006

  Nearly 30 years ago I read a quote by Hans Selye from Stress and Coping in which he said,” to live a life filled with deadlines to the exclusion of life’s loveliness is a pecularly dreadful form of self-punishment”. Not only did I never forget this quote but it taught me to look for “moments” of loveliness no matter where I am or what is transpiring. These moments may be physical beauty such as noticing the beautiful blue haze of chicory against the tall grasses and Queen Anne’s lace along the highway (thanks to Ladybird Johnson) or sensory as the sound of a cardinal calling from the tree, children’s laughter, or music wafting up from my beloved husband’s studio, or spiritual like the deep connection with family or friends, doing massage or Cranial Sacral therapy for clients, attending church or doing meditation, or seeing the white pine with raindrops dripping from the open pinecones. Staying open and present to these gifts renews and restores immeasurably! Blessings, Judith

• 7 Lisa Aug 30, 2006

  Strength to go on is not something I think about. Its something that I do. Not out of obligation or guilt but because of love. When things go wrong (and they always do) it reminds me of the ever changing world. Things are never smooth. There are always bumps in the road. There are always obstacles to conquer. How boring life would be if things stayed the same and challenges never presented themselves. Its during these stressful times that you find out how strong you are, not how weak. Behind every storm is a rainbow. Eleanor Roosevelt said “Women are like a tea bag- you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.” I try to remember than when I am having a really bad day!

• 8 Marisa Aug 30, 2006

  I have to keep reminding myself that I am the only one that is going to be able to actually make space for self care. Nobody is going to whisk me away in a limo to a 5 star hotel where I will be pampered with spa treatments and a chef and 3 maids. There is a lot of guilt involved for me, while my husband’s family expects me to care for my husband’s ailing and blind grandmother (she does not want to go to a care facility and refuses to have caregivers brought in). My own mother is struggling with sickness and needs someone to help her understand what the doctor is saying and my father leans on me too (I am a nurse). And my husband needs me too, to be a supportive wife and to be there for him. There simply isn’t anyone that is going to champion my stepping back a little, nobody that is going to be happy with my “NO, I have to care for myself, this isn’t working for me, I am being drained”. It takes me so much to say those words, and I feel guilt. That is the hardest thing, that guilt. Because I know that it must be hard for my husband’s grandmother, and my parents to be sick, to need to be cared for. But that doesn’t make it any less stressful for me. So I make sure that I do break away so that I can keep going. I might feel guilty getting a pedicure, but that guilt will pass and I will be better for having taken time out.

• 9 Photopoppy Aug 30, 2006

  1) Where does the ability to continue to take care of the babies and the parents, to get up and go to work, to hopefully continue to take some care of ourselves, come from? Where do you find it in you?

  You know, I was going to say that the only reason I manage to take care of the people in my life, get up and go to work, and do all of those other associated things was “because if I don’t do it, who will”. But as I started writing about it, I realized something.

  Gratitude.

  I appreciate everything my parents have ever done for me, and so in return, I set aside time to spend with them. Right now, if someone handed me enough cash to cover all of my bills and some extras and have some left over, I’d contribute it to their retirement fund so that my father can retire sooner from a job he likes less and less every week. After all, a lot of what should have gone into savings for them has gone to provide for me and my foolish mistakes.

  Ditto my best friend on that – she and I have been friends for half of our lives by now. For everything she has done for me, I return my gratitude by letting her rely on me, supporting her, reminding her to nurture herself, and sometimes kicking her in the rump when she’s convincing herself she doesn’t have time for self care.

  The other things I do – grocery shop, cook, clean… mostly do fall into the “if I don’t do it, who will” category. I make a point of cooking decent meals mostly from scratch because I care about my fiance and I want to please him with dinner. But it’s also because if I don’t eat right, I’ll pay for it sooner rather than later – too little food, and I’m awake at 2 am wondering if anyone delivers that late.

  Thanks for asking, Jennifer…. brought me to an insight I might not have come to without your question.

• 10 erinn Aug 30, 2006

  I have to agree with Lisa. I go on because of Love. Love from my Divine, the love that created the world and that I am supposed to give to everyone I meet. Love for my husband, love for my parents and love (and hope) for my unborn children. Love of living.

  I always think of that movie Parenthood. The grandmother talks about going to the carnival and how boring the ride that just goes around and around is. She preferred the rollercoaster. Exciting, scary, exhilarating. Of course Steve Martin didn’t get what she ways trying to say, but his wife thought grandma was brilliant. If I wasn’t on the rollercoaster, I wouldn’t be living.

  Sometimes the day-to-day crap makes all the above hard to comprehend. I am always struggling to be one-hundred percent aware of myself, my existence both physical and metaphysical. I am always struggling to live a purposeful and authentic life. I am not totally there yet. But I am aware of my shortcomings. Embracing the peaks and valleys equally – I strive for that. e

• 11 doesanyonereallycare Aug 30, 2006

  I go on because I can.

• 12 Helga Aug 31, 2006

  At 5:30 am, there I am making my diabetic daughter’s complex school lunch while hanging on to the biggest mug of coffee my wrist can hold upright. And I wonder: after being up until midnight counseling a friend, then doing redtape, finally sleeping like a corpse – How did i get here? The alarm rang, that’s how. I got up and began doing what’s necessary. It’s really quite automatic. Females just do that, even among social animals: in a herd of horses, the black stallion might look impressive as he rears to fend off a competitor, but it’s the old mares who lead the heard across the plains, who know where there is water and sweet pasture, who guard the young, and who educate the teenagers on appropriate behavior. I almost wrote “No great magic”, but thought better of it – Deep, great magic, all the way from our evloutionary cradle! And this ‘going on’ is fundamental to change agency. Without that foundation, all is change and upheaval. Only from the mundane foundation we craft every day can change even happen.
  I could write about change agency in the school fundraiser that financed the new lockers, the AIDS benefit that paid the utilities for incapacitated clients, the clothes and hug for the homeless guy in the park, but I deeply agree with your comments: some of the most effective change is in the small things we do every day. Simple example: A few days ago I sent a brief email thank-you to an artist who’s work really grabbed me in the moment. I didn’t know the person at all and didn’t expect or request a response. It came within minutes and was deeply appreciative. My 2-minute note had brightened the crappy day that artist was having. No doubt she was going to pass on the brightening now, instead of gloom. This kind of ripple-in-the-pond effect caries far, with an almost subversive, grass-roots character. Who knows where our ripples will end…

• 13 Kate Aug 31, 2006

  I read your daily reminder on a day when I had driven to work saying to myself, “this is too hard, I’m done with taking care of everyone else” Duty is a lot of the reason I do what I do – duty mixed with love and the sense of “if not me, who?” But reading the above comments remind of the need and the ways to still nurture myself when there is no real time for self-care. There are small moments, as others have pointed out, that can remind us to breathe deeply and appreciate.

• 14 Tracy Aug 31, 2006

  “Jen wrote: 1) Where does the ability to continue to take care of the babies and the parents, to get up and go to work, to hopefully continue to take some care of ourselves, come from? Where do you find it in you?”

  On the days where I feel it is a really tough slog, somehow I manage to hold onto a sliver of hope that tomorrow will be a better day, and that even though today its tough to find inspiration anywhere – it will come to me in some form again. I look forward to that – to those moments when I’m wowed by something inspiring, when that lightbulb flicks on and I’m jazzed with another part of life. There is something that I read a number of years ago (can’t recall the source), but it has stuck with me and I think of it every time I feel the weight of responsibility and all the rest of it pulling me down… its all part of the human experience to feel overwhelmed by all we do and all we ‘should’ do, and the key (for me anyway) is to let it run its course, embrace those feelings – for they will not last. Some days responsibility is easier, feels more like an honor than a chore, and I go to bed at night feeling content in my little world.

  “Jen wrote: Obviously, courage and strength and change agenting are utterly inseparable — can you have one without the other? now there’s a topic for discussion.”

  Hmmmmm….. good question. I think for me there are times when it takes greater strength to NOT change – to embrace being still in a situation. I’ve witnessed in myself times when my addiction to change has helped me ignore the real issues I need to deal with. My latest one… revamping our budget for the umpteenth time instead of actually just paying more attention and actually incorporating the last one I created! For those of us who have a hard time sticking to something for a period of time, it can take great strength to stick. And during those periods… change can feel easy.

• 15 Stephanie Wright Sep 1, 2006

  I believe that life presents us with lessons or opportunities to grow under difficult circumstances. Whether we choose to do the work of learning at the same time or later is up to us. When caregiving demands your physical presence perhaps the best and only self care you can have is being present. You can observe your emotions and your heart will lead you in decision making. Intuition can play a remarkable role in the dizzying world of modern medicine. Having said that, it’s not easy to cope with the myriad of emotions that can arise. I experienced loosing someone close and tried my very best to take the lessons as they came. I think it’s human nature to want to avoid what is difficult emotionally, it’s work only we can do. Sometimes it ain’t pretty. In cases of terminal illness it can be a long process that involves so much suffering it is just easier to mentally avoid. My experience after the death of this loved one was that I didn’t suffer as much after she passed. For family members that chose to deny the journey she was on, the period after she passed was tremendously difficult. Self care can come in so many forms. When you find a lack of time or you’re spinning with the overwhelming stress of difficult times ask ~What is available to me now? sometimes it is only breath, deep breath. Maybe it’s a lesson that will guide you forever.

• 16 bettina Sep 2, 2006

  It takes a whole lot of friends to get me through the day.connecting with spirit is key.Marveling at how we all intertwine, respecting and networking…the gift..when i am in crisis mode..Lost a son and a dad a year ago..I accept help.I am not wonder women.
  When life is good i connect, visit my friends.many whom are elderly…because i like these folks and their politic.I give when it is my turn and receive when it is my turn.The balance is important.Sure i love to help,but i love to be there also.
  The big lesson…ask for help..be part of my community take phone numbers when people offer help..Have gratitude and don’t be afraid to share the responsibility..we all get to be be heroes together.

• 17 Jane Carroll Sep 4, 2006

  Jen,

  For me I have to find the time, even minutes to take care of myself so that I have the strength to take care of others. A few minutes of meditation, prayer, reading something spiritually uplifting gives me the strength to do the things that I need to do for others.

  I must say I learned this the hard way, after years of totally ignoring my own needs and coming way to close to crashing and burning on several occassions.

  I hope you’re stealing moments to nurture your beautiful self!

• 18 Victoria Sep 5, 2006

  How do you go from being so exhausted your can’t keep your eyes open to standing in the lobby of an assited living home facing down the care manager and phoning an ambulance?

  What magic spark superceeds the effects of long term stress and caffeine and makes you go on when you don’t think you can go one more step?

  I keep asking myself that. Just when I think I’m going to drop stone dead, my mom needs me and I turn into someone that frightens me when I see her in the mirror.

  That “mirror woman” has a stoney resolve on her face, her body is set and strong, she is the immovable object, she has a look in her eyes that lets you know that she can and will take down anything and anyone who gets in her way.

  And the only way I figure she comes through me is Love.

  Yep, Love. When I came to take care of mom last year, the only prayer I could manage was that God would let me be an vehicle of his love for mom. I prayed that he would give me direction and strength to care for her the way he would have it done. He’s been keying me in ever since.

  Then came the day the medication nurse, and the physicians assistant fowled up mom’s meds and she wound up hiding in her room behind a chair dressed in only a sheet. “Mirror Woman” came out. She was cold, clear, and calm. She made arrangements for emergency services when the assisted living refused. She went to the physician’s office after hours and picked up new medicines. She took on the director of Sunrise toe to toe. She lined the meds director up for a good firing. She stood by, watching over mom until she was better. She was like the Angel Michael, doing battle.

  And when it was over, she went back to where she had come from. I went home, threw up, and collapsed.

  The best I can tell “Mirror Woman” came straight from God.

  Day in and day out the one true thing that seems to keep the power flowing, is love. God’s love for me, my love for mom. It’s not the kind of love that draws hearts and flowers. It’s the kind of love that moves mountains and works miracles. Isn’t it funny? Love was right there in my face and I didn’t see it clearly until right now when I wrote this?

• 19 Kate I Sep 6, 2006

  I went through a particularly difficult (understatement) time about 10 years ago when my marriage broke down and I was left with 3 teenagers to raise. There were several things that got me through;

  -letting friends and family help me and realizing that it was ok to be not ok.

  -giving myself small challenges to deal with (I can go to a restaurant and eat a meal by myself) and then larger ones (I can buy a home all by myself). You may have gathered I lived a very sheltered life at that time! I was ridiculously proud of myself to overcome the hurdles that came along almost on a daily basis.

  -I was lucky to have a strong spiritual connection. My personal beliefs, which may be considered non-traditional, helped me to find the strength to grow, the compassion to forgive and the passion to move on with excitement about my future. (this was a process, not an overnight sensation).

  - I always believed that things would get better. Life is cyclical and there are both easy times and difficult times. I just knew (through the tears!) that my difficult time would eventually hit bottom and begin to swing upward. Why that bottom had to last so long, I’m not sure! The strength that I learned during that time will help me to know that I can get through anything that comes my way in the future. I feel as though I now have a deep pool of resources to tap into if and when I ever have to again.

  In the last few years, I, like “Photopoppy”, have embraced Gratitude. I wish I was handwriting this, because I really want to circle that word several times with a red pen! The strength and love that’s been available to me through gratitude has been absolutely amazing. I looked after my mother at home for her last 2 months before she died and although it was exhausting and an emotional roller coaster, when I focused on gratitude, it just wasn’t a chore – it was a privelege. The same is true now of looking after my dad who is 90. When an old friend and I had a difficult year and things seemed to go from bad to worse, gratitude for all that we had shared, simply erased the irritations and anger. And when I shifted, she shifted too. I didn’t have to say a thing. It really does work!

  Thanks Jennifer, for giving us an opportunity to think about this, write it down and share it with everyone. And thanks to everyone else for so generously sharing your thoughts, insights and experiences.

• 20 CDMacKenzie Sep 7, 2006

  Jennifer, for me, the ‘ability to continue’ came from writing poetry and short stories because the intensity of emotion going on, during one period in my life, was something I couldn’t otherwise touch or express.

  It was between 1999 and 2000, my elderly father ran away from his care home, my sister-in-law died of cancer, I lost my first pregnancy, and my father was found deceased.

  The tumultuous path my emotional life took was almost too much to bear. I was a professional musician back then, but I couldn’t cry and scream through my instruments. Words took over as my companion through an immense inner darkness. They were not spoken words. Rather, they were words that emerged on paper writing themselves…giving voice to what I couldn’t say and what I didn’t know I felt (because my feelings had become one big pile of emotion and could no longer be called by different names).

  Over the years, life has changed and I’m in a different place now. Words have taken a back seat, for now, so that making art (fabric art, photography, etc.) could take the driver’s seat. I love making art! Though, I’m not sure I could know the joy of making art or anything, for that matter, had I not known the companionship of words during a very lonely and desolate heart-space.

• 21 Kerry Sep 13, 2006

  I lived most of my life in a strict religious cult, with every aspect of my life controlled by others. A few years ago my husband was excommunicated while in the throes of a depression and I stayed with him. It meant that I was completely cut off from everyone I knew and everything familiar. When my husband recovered (marginally), he abandoned his family. Consequently, I found myself in a foreign country with no support and 7 children to provide for. Today, 5 of the children are on their own, I am going to college, and work full time to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. My children have been denied by their grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins and their father. Why do I go on and keep doing what I’m doing? Because to go back is unthinkable. To stop doing what I am doing would mean I would have to go back to where I was. It would mean I am giving up and being defeated. For me is isn’t a choice. I just do the only thing and keep on doing it.
  A question was raised by a businesss acquaintance and I haven’t been able to forget it. “What is your true worth?” It requires some serious soul searching and I haven’t nearly answered it yet. – Kerry