For the last few weeks, I’ve been sending out resurrected bits from the Daily Dollop, which I published um, daily, a few years back. These are little dollops (doh) of grounding kindness, mindful questions from The Life Organizer and reminders to rrrreeelax.
(You do subscribe to the newsletter, right? It’s different than the blog – doh)
Anyhoo, one of the Dollops pinged a few pithy reflections and fascinating questions back to me and prompted gears to turn within my snow bound little brain.
The Dollop in question
How Can I Trust Myself Enough to Choose the Path of Self-Kindness?
Self-nurturing is a caramelized topping over a trust brulee. You’ve got to have the trust or you are just left with burnt sugar. Mistrust of past decisions and mistakes can make it easy to believe that burnt sugar is good enough for you. But it isn’t.
Today’s Intention: Exploring the link between self-trust and self-kindness, even if just for a moment.
And Now for The Fascinating Question
Christine wrote:
This one is very thought provoking and complex, Jen. It is so germane to the issues I am struggling with today. I would really appreciate a little elaboration on it – especially the sentence about mistrust of past decisions and whether burnt sugar is good enough. Thanks so much! I adore you, too!”
Adoration right back at you, Christine. Thanks for the berry, berry good question. Here’s what I think I meant (I say think because there is certainly no right answer):
If we nurture ourselves, without being connected to self-kindness, we end up not nurturing ourselves.
Huh?
Without self-kindness, we lack a connection to ourselves and we often end up settling for less than what would truly, really, honest-to-goodness fill us up, soften us, warm us, inspire us. We may settle for what I call shadow comforts or my friend Molly Gordon calls phantom comforts – which just means something that masquerades as self-nurturing, makes us feel less us, less centered, instead of more.
Either way, we end up feeling brittle and frustrated and restless, even cheated.
Why does this happen?
It happens because we aren’t trusting what we really want. We aren’t trusting our instincts, our desires, “the soft animal of our bodies” and that lack of trust is breed and fed by self-judgment, by beating ourselves up for being human (i.e. highly imperfect and prone to mis-steps and strange detours that, at the time, seemed oh so brilliant).
When we beat ourselves up, we reinforce the idea we’re not to be trusted and we don’t deserve to listen to what we really want.
We move away from our own wisdom, our own desires, from true self-nurturing and toward burnt sugar.
Beating ourselves up leads us away from learning and thus away from trusting our desires and away from the ability to see and choose our own paths
But when we can connect with a bit of self-kindness, a wink or two of self-mercy
We begin to touch into self-trust. We can feel safe enough to take a few moments to discern what we really want, moment-by-moment.
We begin to let life lead us instead of us trying to force life to do what we want.
We develop a level of trust in our instincts and desires, that, while far from perfectly reliable, is deeply affirming and renewing. Truly richly comforting.
Then the whole idea that burnt sugar is good enough for you
- the idea that pleasure is having the cake (or buying the purse or calling the man who broke your heart again or indulging in another three hours of on-line Scrabble) begins to fall away and you experience, with your body and your heart, what truly comforts you, what helps you to be a creator of your own life.
Or as Jill Badonsky says in her utterly delightful new book, The Awe-Manac,
make compassion a hobby. The non-linear practice of moving forward two tiny steps and side ways one stumble is okay. In the long run, this will get you further than the other schemes that 85 percent of give up on because we didn’t do it perfectly or because it was too much too soon”
I await your comments, which are always, incredibly insightful.
8 responses so far ↓
1 Johnny Truant Dec 18, 2008
You know? I need some of this right now. I’m so burned out, it sucks. Anyone think I need a bubble bath or something? I mean, I got up at 2:30am. Ugh.
2 cindy Dec 18, 2008
Jen, I really can relate to the “burnt sugar” thing today. As I’ve been pursuing a new job, I went on an interview today, of which I dreaded, because it is the field in which I do not want to go back to (So why did I even send them a resume?–I don’t know), and anyway, found myself almost sick to my stomach as we talked and I toured the building. I know in my heart and soul, that I cannot pursue this line of work any longer, or at least not at this point in my life. I must find the courage, and strength to continue with my heart’s desire to purse my creative endeavors and new business venture! It never fails to amaze me how the universe knows that we are right where we are suppose to be, even if it is uncomfortable at times.
3 Jennifer Dec 18, 2008
@Johnny, book launches are hard work. And some breaks might actually help you do a better job… and sometimes, you are just burned out.
@Cindy – I have been there sister! May you lean into the fear and see that you can be safe and satisfied no matter what job you take or don’t take – and may that help you juice up those creative endeavors!
4 Wormy Dec 19, 2008
Oh this is so right for me at this moment. I’m all bunged up with a cold and feeling awful and generally sorry for myself.
I’m off for a lovely hot bath, and no cookies. I ate a tub of cookies yesterday because I was too tired and feeling sorry for myself to make any real food. I never want to see a cookie again. (until tomorrow of course) Cookies/ burnt sugar – pretty close I’d say.
5 Andrea Friedmann Dec 19, 2008
There is such wisdom in this post! How often have I heard (and said) that all we need is to take a little sliver of time to do something nice for ourselves and we should feel better… only to wind up feeling WORSE because, not only am I too full of sugar, but I also feel “brittle and frustrated and restless, even cheated” AND have one more thing to beat myself up about because I can’t even do THIS right!
It is only when I connect to my Authentic Self that I can really figure out what I am yearning, what will feed me (and it is most frequently not even edible!). In fact, in just realizing that self-trust is needed, in just checking in with my Authentic Self I manage to shift how I feel for the better already!
6 Meredith Dec 19, 2008
Self-trust. I have been learning about the value of self-trust lately. I am starting a new business as an energy worker, and as an internet blogger. I trust that the call I feel to this new business is true. And I also notice that with each two small steps that I take, with the requisite sideways slips, I feel scared and skittish and small. I trust the scaredness too (somehow – that doesn’t quite make sense yet), and I keep moving forward. Thank you for this post, it gave me words for my tenacity. Self-trust. Wow.
7 Jennifer Dec 21, 2008
@Wormy here is to less cookies, when less is wanted.
@Andrea, well said! That simple, vital step of checking in says it all.
@Meredith, looking forward to hearing more about your blog and your building of self-trust!
8 Christine Pederson Dec 22, 2008
Thanks for clarifying and elaborating on your “burnt sugar” intention, Jen….excellent distinction to heighten our awareness of. And thanks for your post, Cindy, giving us a “real life” application of the concept. I have recently agreed to re-explore the possibility of romance and a committed relationship with a man I lived with for 18 years. This path is rather scary for me, but exploring the territory yet another time somehow seems called for right now. Nonetheless, the question of “what am I really desiring…how will I assess whether this path is a “fit” for my heart’s desire?” is an important one and I am watching the thoughts that come to me as I hold these questions. Taking one day at a time and not rushing the process feels like the right way to proceed, and keeping your “burnt sugar” recipe in mind. Thanks again so much, Jennifer! Christine