Ah, summer has most certainly started here on Bainbridge. A new ice cream store opened (hazelnut chocolate and coconut is my current fav), temps in the 80′s, and a roving band of children screaming – first in fun and then in anger, rise and fall of the little pack. I just made them disperse. Somehow, our house has become party central (sleepover for 6 last night – the boys went to sleep at 11 and got up at 4:20, as that is sunrise and birdrise and they were sleeping in a tent in the driveway, Bryce said, "White trash camping" and I said, "Suburban. Subtle difference.") I’m enjoying the enforced calm and doing some art-making.
I’ve been feeling unlikable and ugly this last week. At first, I chalked it up to starting my period – the combo of PMS and blot – and exhaustion, but as I’ve been circling the demons of personal dislike, I’ve begun to see how what I’m feeling is another turn around the ancient spiral of "I don’t fit, I’m not popular, nobody likes me." Part of me weeps and grinds my teeth – "This one? You have got to be kidding me! I thought this one was long gone!" But this klesha (habitual patterns that defile or confuse us) is not burned away… so I get to watch the pattern – what triggers it, what feeds it, what makes me believe it is real. I get to rest in the Witness and observe. I have mercy on myself.
On a completely different note, I’ve been cruising the Internet, something I never seem to find time to do and can be really fun when resting… and I’ve found some great new stuff.
This artist is blowing me away and I’m doing a painting right now – took a break to write this post – inspired by her Connect the Dots series.
I took a class at Art Fest last year with this woman – very lovely teacher and I eat up her colors.
Am I the last person on earth to know about this heavenly resource? Bought some great collage materials.
I like her sass.
This reminds me of an acid trip.
I think this is part of the huge world of scrapbooking for which I am a total stranger but I’m interested in learning about the digital world – I’m going to buy a scanner this week! Any ideas which are really easy and MAC compatible?
AND
My current creative challenge: Harnessing my energy!
Here I am resting, regrouping from writing and life changes and but
of course
resting is not enforced lying on couch but
following where life wants to go
so life wants to go to art making and
color so I
start
and then I am having the hardest time deciding what to do – collage, paint, on what, how????? I truly had to make an effort to calm my mind and slow down and stick with my project past the $@#$@%@%@%((&*@^&*^@&*^
@%%%@$%!% stage of ARGH.
My question: Does that ever happen to you? Do you ever feel this way – want to create but have too much energy? If so, what do you do??? I’d love to hear!
I have a hard time settling in / down with all my energy
7 responses so far ↓
1 Toni Jun 26, 2006
I do a run-around. If I’m too antsy to write, I clean my office. If I have a huge project I don’t want to tackle, like sorting through that huge box of kids’ artwork, I garden. Doing something physical, relatively mindless (or at least less so than the task that’s got me squirrelly), and repetitive usually soothes that restless part of me.
2 Bonnie Jun 26, 2006
Dear Jen,
Gardening is good — something physical. Or painting with some part of your body — fingers, feet, again something physical. One of the best things I ever did was barefoot warm paint walking. I thinned out tempra with warm water in a pan big enough to step into and put large paper close by. Then I just walked into the paint and on the paper. It felt better than any memory of mud from my childhood. Oh, yeah! When the papers (you can’t do just one) were dry I used Sharpie felt pens to add lines. Man! That was fun!
3 Marisa Jun 26, 2006
Oh, this is a feeling that I know SOOOOO well! I want to get creative, but I can’t make up my mind or rather I can’t feel if knitting, crocheting, writing, gardening or cooking is the right approach. Then I wonder if I need to try something that I haven’t done before and then I wonder what in the world is wrong with me that i can’t make such a simple decision. Something that has helped me is stepping away in a place where I can have a few minutes. Someplace dark and quiet. And I take a few breaths and just listen as I breathe. Let my pulse slow and see what pops into my head. And of course, what ever it is that i am trying to do, I tell myself to JUST DO IT and worry about the details later. That is the scariest part, because I always feel like what I do has to have a purpose and that it has to be “something” when that shouldn’t be the case.
4 Tracy Jun 27, 2006
Sometimes I get TOTALLY overwhelmed with all I want to create, and I just don’t know where to start! I find what I need to do is quiet my negative ‘self talk’ when I begin to reach for the materials that my gut really wants to work with. I seem to have this list of “should do’s” locked somewhere in my subconscious that I have to ignore… “I should really make some cards so I have some extra on hand for those rushed moments”, “I should use the smaller canvases that I have (when all I really want to do is jump into something huge and big and scary that involves a grand-sized canvas)”… And then there are the other “shoulds” – laundry, bills, the kitchen that seems to mess itself, etc. etc… When it comes down to it, I’m with Marisa, sometimes I have to JUST DO IT and ignore everything else for a while. And boy oh boy… the joy that flows from THAT!
5 Jennifer Louden Jun 27, 2006
Thanks for the comments! Writing this post and reading your responses helped me have a huge breakthrough – there is a connection between the old story “I don’t fit, I’m not popular, nobody likes me” and “I can’
do really good work and really shine and be really and totally my creative self.” What the hell is this? It doesn’t feel like the pleaser – no, it isn’t but more if I shine my light, people will like me even less than they already do. Hmm… interesting one to write and paint.
6 Carla Jun 27, 2006
YES! Currently I’m equal parts antsy & inspired & lethargic & overwhelmed. So much I want to explore, share, experience, do! No words of wisdom, just knowing the feeling very very well!
7 sandylouwho Jun 28, 2006
Oh, it’s all so familiar — so nice to feel like I’m part of a tribe of women who can’t settle down to what they really *want* to do (except with a nice shadow comfort — note me sitting here surfin the net). All the decisions and all the shoulds…they just take over.
Anyone ever had any luck with a coach for this type of thing? I’m afraid it would just make me hate/resent my coach!
–Sandy