Lilly retook her math test and passed it, and she decided to like the baby-sitter she was staying with. The new pain meds worked for Dad and although he is having some wild hallucinations, he isn’t moaning and saying, "I can’t take this" so that’s fantastic. Mom won’t allow anyone to come in at night but she is looking into day time help and she has ordered a bed alarm… although tonight she called me for ideas on how to tie him to her! Lord, give me the strength to keep biting my tongue. I made several suggestions including bubble wrap around the bed to wake her up should he try to get up without her… she didn’t go for that.
On an utterly shallow note, my photo shoot in Chicago was oddly fun. I’ve never thought of myself as attractive – but I secretly always wanted to be beautiful – and felt sort of tawdry for wanting to be, like I’m not a good feminist or spiritual seeker. I feel beautiful and accepting of my body – mostly – but I’ve always believed others saw me as strange looking or square or chunky or just blah. So to have these photos turn out attractive and to have this team of people really liking the pictures, it was utterly strange– and oddly comforting as in somehow I can communicate my essence now, I am confident enough now that it comes out physically. But also wow, the power of make-up and hair and lighting (and next Photoshop). I was tweaked and tugged and it made a huge difference.
My deepest widest most radiant gratitude for your posts of love and support. This time of my life helps me see so clearly how life comes in waves. It is up to us to ride the crests and valleys, knowing we don’t have to wait for a high point to be happy, that even in the midst of crashing sadness and troughs of bitchy "I told you so’s" we can surf.
6 responses so far ↓
1 Photopoppy Sep 28, 2006
Well, if you’re a bad feminist or spiritual seeker for wanting to be beautiful, so am I. My secret appearance related dream is to be glamourous. Although I know there’s a lot of dialogue involved in what glamourous entails in a society like ours that’s negative, I really want it for me, just so I can sit in a room with my dark glossy hair and deep red lips and utter pithy or cutting phrases.
There’s a photoblog that I found a while back and bookmarked… wish I could remember how I got there. It makes for excellent musing material on what beauty really is and some fabulous feminist photography. http://www.christinielsen.com/blog/about2getskinny/
2 Victoria Sep 28, 2006
Jennifer, Bless you for biting your tongue with your mom. Next time she asks about restraints you could suggest that contraption the girls used in the movie 9 to 5 to keep Dabney Coleman’s character from escaping.
Remember the leather harness attached to the garage door opener? When they pushed the opener he flew up in the air ike a flying squirrel?
Hey, when my mom gets going, the only way I can respond without crying is to suggest the silliest thing I can think of. The laughter keeps away the tears.
Hang tough!
3 Julie Jordan Scott Sep 28, 2006
Jen, what a love you are!!!
I had a transcendent photo shoot back in the end of February. A completely nude shoot, incredibly mind and heart altering.
Now I just love to have people shoot pictures of me when I am just being me. They aren’t always what the “world” would classify as gorgeous, but ohhh, they are to me. And that’s what matters.
And by the way, I think you ARE beautiful. Very beautiful. In every way….
4 Helga Sep 28, 2006
No-transition thougths:
Nice when the kids find out something’s o.k. that you already knew would be. Makes the next time easier.
Pain meds – a mixed blessing, but a blessing nonethless. Never thought I’d advocate restraints for anyone until they became the only alternative to having my confused, dying mom hurt herself again and again while getting out of bed. It was only a soft belt-like thing around her waist, but I still feel terrible about it.
No offense, but between Jen’s (I know you look beautiful – I’ve seen pictures of you) and Julie’s posts I keep thinking how those marvelous women in “Calendar Girls” re-discovered their physical beauty while giving their inner beauty of compassion. And of the dear husband who clearly understood the true meaning of “Beauty”. Favorite comic movie line, spoken, with a touch of Brogue, during the first shoot by the fabulous Helen Mirren: “We’re going to need considerably bigger buns!”
5 IRENE Sep 29, 2006
The “Calendar Girls”! I loved that movie!
You know, we have been brought up with the big virtuous divide, raised in the split image of the person we want to be. I can recall that from my highschool years. If you are intelligent you must be unkept. If you take care of yourself, you are frivolous. And if you are managing both, then you are so unfairly lucky!
Well, I haven’t got past that divide. But at least when the opportunity comes knocking on your door, you do well to appreciate every moment. So please enjoy your good looks as best as you can. I’d love to have a professional point out to me the good points of my appearance and help me enhance them. It took me years to realise that I can think outside of long skirts and track suits, but I am pleased to report that, yes, I do!
This morning I read this from Natalie Goldberg’s “Writing down the bones” (It’s a tiny enough book to have in my purse and remind me when I have some minutes to myself that I am an intelligent person):
“Stop! Really stop when someone is complimenting you. Even if it’s painful and you are not used ro it, just keep breathing, listen, and let yourself take it in. Feel how good it is. Build up a tolerance for positive, honest support”.
With regard to your father, I know that Christian thinking finds good reason for pain. But I don’t. I don’t think any living being deserves to suffer from a point where they no longer can take it. This is called dignity and compassion. This life is not an exile, and illness is not God’s Torture Chambers in full disciplinary action. So, for God’s sake, if you can help your dad go through this time of his life with less suffering, with pharmaceutical or alternative means, you do well to do it. And I applaud it.
Keep surfing, Jen, we are cheering you on!
6 Kate I Sep 29, 2006
Jennifer, thank you for sharing your experiences with such honesty and openess. Life can be so painful and difficult and we can only be open to receiving the love and healing that’s out there, if we’re honest about the despair we feel. So often we think we have to put on a brave face, and in some instances it may be the only thing to do, but your sharing of your experiences leaves space for others to know that it’s OK not be stong and in control all the time. I read a quote once that said “our strength comes from our willingness to be vulnerable” and have always remembered that. Thanks for being willing to be vulnerable. Hugs.