Comfort Queen » choose your life mondays

Choose Your Life Mondays – The Holiday Prep Edition

Jennifer — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 07:01:24 +0000

I’ve been doing Choose Your Life Monday posts for awhile now. I’ve blogged about being aware of various patterns, I’ve shared Life Organizer questions, and now I’m doing this post a bit differently.

Over the years, I’ve had a rocky relationship with holidays.

Celebrating the solstice by lighting candles in all the windows then going for a walk in the dark and talking about what had brought us light during the year, then coming back to our house blazing with light and reading solstice stories aloud and drinking warm beverages – yum!

I adored making magic for Lilly when she was little – putting out cookies and milk for Santa and then taking a bite of the cookies after she was in bed thrilled me more than her.

But death (Dad) and teenagers and divorce and new families make everything so different.

I am good at stating the obvious, aren’t I?

In the face of all this change, I find wanting to collapse and not do anything.

I find myself wanting to whine that things aren’t the same.

I find myself being drawn into blech land.

Hiding behind work and being a crappy shopper and various other stories so I hide.

I don’t engage.

Whoa!

I don’t think so, sweetie.

That is such an old, dead response.

Let’s try something better.

Instead, I gently ground my energy and turn toward my feelings of sadness and disappointment and grief… hello feelings. No, I’m not interested in what-ifs and wishes- I’m staying with my feelings… ah, such tenderness, such sadness, such longing, such gratitude… breathe…. stay here with the feelings…

Big big breath, so big I feel my ribs creak…. energy spills up and out my head….

Descending, grounding… being…

Resting…

A deep still spaciousness fills me…

I remember, “Oh right, I can choose how I want to do the holidays.”

I see how much of my suffering lives in me.

Which means I get to choose what experience I want to have this year!

Oh holy mistletoe, Batman! Now that is good news.

And what has also been helpful to me is…

Comfort Cafe Holiday Helpful Suggestions

We’ve been sharing ways to make the holidays more meaningful and saner at the Simpler Holiday forum. I thought you might enjoy reading some of the treasure trove of ideas to help you see new possibilities for your holidays, too!

A few of the intriguing suggestions:

Our idea for simplifying was having a pajama day Christmas day …new jammies of course!
–Pauline

….One of my main simplify themes these past years has been to do “recycled giving”… finding items that I cherish but am ready to let go to someone else. I love how recycled giving brings out my creativity at the same time it helps me work on non-attachment to “things” …the gift has to really be a match, so it also tunes me into the whole reason for giving. What would this person most love to receive, and do I have something to give that would bring delight? The best gifts are usually those that tug at my heartstrings because a part of me is not “quite ready” to give them away.
–Sora

Starting on Thanksgiving I am going to do the 29-Day Giving Challenge. It was started by a woman who had MS, and she says it cured it. My sister is the marketing director of a mall, and last year they did a Senior Angel tree. She said the seniors asked for so little, mostly toiletries like nice soap or after shave. So almost everyone also gave extra stuff like cookies, candy, warm slippers, etc. The seniors were thrilled. I would like to do something like that. I find helping other people gives me a lift. This year it will probably be more important than ever to help other people.
–Gayle O

The nicest thing we do is drape a purple silk cloth over the windowsill and stick a “path” of 24 golden stars (like teachers use) leading up to the stable/ manger. Each evening we light a candle, move Mary and the Donkey (from Nativity Scene) one step (or star) closer to the stable and sing the carol “Little Donkey.” Now that is truly magical.
–Betty

What do you do to make the holidays more light filled? I’d love to hear. And if you are a member of the Comfort Cafe, come on by the Simpler Holiday forum and add your ideas.

Choose Your Life Mondays – The Pattern Edition

Jennifer — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 07:01:51 +0000

I’ve been doing Choose Your Life Monday posts for awhile now. I’m too lazy to go check for how long – a year? I like spending a bit of time on Sundays thinking about how I want to choose my life in the next week and discussing that with you.

Over the course of Choose Your Life Mondays, I’ve blogged about being aware of various patterns, I’ve shared Life Organizer questions, and today, I’m in the mood to do something a bit different.

I want to talk about old patterns and shame.

Specifically how when we see an old familiar pattern – yet again – we (or maybe this is just me) might say something to ourselves like:

I can’t do anything about this pattern because look how long it has been here! Nothing works. Nothing has ever worked. Works for other people but not me. And I certainly can’t ask anybody for help with this again. Best thing for me to do? Stick my head in a vat of chocolate and forget about it.

Perhaps we could call this the I’m too Stuck to Ever Change pattern?

or the It’s Been Here Too Long to Ever Shift pattern?

or the I’m too Ashamed to Even Think About It pattern?

Or The ______ pattern (fill in your title of choice).

Except you know what?

Lots of the things you’ve done have worked – things have changed.

You have changed.

We – okay ME – too often throw the baby out with the bath water when we see an old pattern’s face at the door again.

We decide it means we are bad /screwed/an untouchable.

Or that meditation / eating more veggies / opening our hearts / doing yoga / journaling or whatever else we’ve been doing doesn’t work.

No.

It simply means we have more to learn.

And since learning is like the BEST thing about being alive then why oh why do we – okay ME – get so bummed when our familiar patterns show up?

Maybe because it means we’re human? Rather than Teflon coated uber super human?

Maybe because we need to give ourselves permission – yet again – to be who we are, experiencing what we experiencing, without adding a whole manure pile of judgment on top of our experience?

Maybe because we (mistakenly) thought we had arrived at that mythic done place where we were finally finished with this particular pattern. Forever. With a cherry on top!

If I’m going on like this you know an old pattern is yanking my door bell chain.

Thanks for asking.

It’s sticking with and finishing something difficult.

I have a life time pattern of giving up on difficult creative projects.

I did it in the 7th grade when I wrote, directed and produced A Rock-n-Roll Romeo and Juliet. I also wanted to star in it. But when it came time to audition myself, I freaked. And said, “Oh, no, I don’t really want to act in this.” I cast my best friend instead.

I did the same thing in film school when I wanted to direct and decided it was too hard. Why? Because I sucked at it. Or thought I did.

I did it as as screenwriter.

I’m sure there are other times too; I’m too tired to think of them all right now.

There is this hard, confused, frustrated, can’t-express-what-I-want-to-express place that I’ve reached over and over again in my creative life.

And often, when I’ve reached that places, I’ve quit (yes, even though I’ve written six books, those were easy or different somehow).

But now I’m at a stage in my life when I realize I don’t want to die without having made it through this place.

I want to slay the dragons of the gates of deeper work.

Or seduce them. Or hire them to help me.

I’m also seeing how this stopping when I get frustrated may be related to holding myself back, to hiding.

It’s very painful and so tender to see this pattern.

I am ashamed of it.

It’s so old.

And it’s a big fat lie that I haven’t shifted it – a little – over time.

I’ve earned lots of ways to be with it and work with it. I teach some of my favs at the Writer’s Retreat each year to great success.

It’s just that I now I am ready to work with this pattern in a deeper way.

So this week, I will be gently aware of how I stop myself during my deep creative work and I am going to practice being with that scared-stuck-painful place and not multi-tasking, or coming up with another, better, brilliant idea, or otherwise pinging off to avoid the discomfort.

I suspect this could be very difficult.

So wish me luck and perhaps, in the comments, tell me a little bit about one of your own old, familiar patterns.

It would be nice to feel less alone.

Choose Your Life Mondays – The Sad Swamp

Jennifer — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 07:01:18 +0000

Each week for as long as I’m digging it, I’ll share my responses to some of the Life Organizer questions – my most recent book. We do this together at the Comfort Cafe every week. If you tool over to the Life Organizer site, you can download all the questions for free.

Sometimes, the pain of being divorced swamps me.

It’s been two and half years.

I’m in love with an incredible man.

My daughter is doing really well.

My ex and I are kind to each other and, these days, seldom tussle over sharing our sweet girl.

And still, there are moments when not being a family with Chris and Lilly feels so unreal that I am pulled down into uncharted gray, a sucking morass of should haves and if onlys, and mostly just a big long noooooooo.

My most recent swamping was triggered by my thoughts at a friend’s 50th birthday party.

Watching the sweet slide show her husband had made of her life – seeing the pictures of Mel and John in their thirties – pierced me.

One of the greatest losses – beside being with my daughter full time – is the unbroken history.

What I find astonishing, and this is my odd ability to hold two opposites at the same time, is how happy I can be that I am building a new history with Bob, how beautifully suited we are to each other – at the same time – I mourn my shared history with Chris and Lilly.

Sometimes holding both opposites makes me dizzy.

I’m very thankful – hand over my heart grateful – Bob understands.

What I didn’t know before I got divorced is the divorce never ends.

There are new nicks and cuts and severances all the time; the big one is every time I hand Lilly off.

When the sadness swamps me,

I watch my thoughts and feelings and remember they are not me; I nap; I give myself a yoga class (thank God for sobbing during hip openers!); hold Bob; and I put one creative foot in front of the other.

What do you do when you’re swamped by sadness? How do you take care of yourself?

The Life Organizer Questions for

Week 43

How are my minimum requirements doing these days?

Minimum requirements are from The Life Organizer, and are the activities that keep you in contact with your heart, your truth, and help you be you. (You can get a free audio here that goes into more depth about Minimums).

You certainly don’t always do these activities – but by knowing what they are, you have a way of charting how far from yourself you are moving. They do change – with the seasons, your age, and your desires.

My current minimums are a bit of yoga and meditation and chanting, time outdoors, fun time with Bob, alone time with Lilly, reading the forums at the Comfort Cafe, creative fiction writing, and messing with art stuff.

What secret grace might I offer the world this week?

Leaving a copy of one of my books at the Microsoft women’s conference where I’m speaking on Wednesday with an anonymous wish inside for someone to take it and enjoy!

What one small change might I like to make in what or how I eat this week?

Loving what I am eating these days but not how – could slow down and chew more.

I’m willing to receive:

Ease, health, and new wonderful friendships!

Choose Your Life Monday #28

Jennifer — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 07:01:25 +0000

Choose Your Life Monday is an invitation to name what pattern you will lovingly notice this week and to do so in community. Join in when and however suits you.

Last week I declared I would

lovingly pay attention to when I am second guessing, over working or otherwise prevaricating

and

I will lovingly look for the thought – which comes in many shapes and flavors – that what I’m doing isn’t important enough.

I’ve been a significance spotter all week.

I became terrifyingly, achingly aware of how strong this pattern of significance is and how it’s tied to this other pattern of “I’m so utterly freaked out about not being able to make this presentation the greatest ever experienced in the history of presentations, I just want to get it done so I don’t have to feel anxious about it anymore.”

This pattern sometimes means I end up doing not so great a job. I lose my creativity and my own voice in the pursuit of just getting it done.

The result of not doing such a great job fuels my story I’m a stupid loser and that starts another cycle of “If I could just be like X (whomever I’ve deemed smart and talented that day) then I would be finally significant and I would feel safe.”

Ah.

I get it now!

Significance = safety in my mind.

Now that is wild. How the hell did I come up with that one?

Because what the labyrinth of significance actually = is anxiety. Crazy making comparisons. Losing touch with my heart. Moving away from trusting myself into the never ending void of not enough.

Significance = anything but safety.

I’m attending a retreat with Pema Chodron this coming weekend in Seattle and I’m sure being steeped in her teachings, plus spending time with wise friends who are coming from out of town, will give me new ways to lean into this pattern, as Ani Pema often says.

And what will I lovingly pay attention to this week?

My thought pattern that I need to just get it done, that I will feel more peaceful and safe when it’s done.

Instead, I will pause and resource (shorthand for drawing on, being fed, by into something larger than me, myself, and I) and I will repeat my new mantra “I am resourceful and it’s not all up to me.”

Resource and be resourced.

Ah… I know it’s going to be challenging. I can feel the story trying to morph into some new version that can resnare me. I won’t get caught there because I’m not trying to change myself; simply loving watch my story.

What will you notice?

Choose Your Life Mondays #23

Jennifer — Mon, 18 May 2009 07:01:10 +0000

Choose Your Life Monday is an invitation to name what pattern you will lovingly notice this week and to do so in community. Of course, you can do it any day you want- you don’t have to start on Monday. Join in when and whenever suits you.

I’m in that complete and utter who-the-hell-knows-what’s-up place.

You know, the place where you just hope know something major is about to shift in your psyche

but for right now

you feel like a very very pregnant woman who wants to leave her body for a few minutes and get some

relief from the intense feeling of ripeness.

Between blogging here for Choose Your Life Mondays and setting intentions with the cafers over at the Comfort Cafe, it’s like I’ve got a magnifying glass on my pattern of

Squirrel-dom + fear of imperfection = overwhelm

and

not enjoying my life

Wait. That last part isn’t true. I do enjoy my life, I savor it, I exult in it, so much so I walk around grinning at people in a rather annoying dumb way while thinking:

Isn’t this amazing? You think this is amazing, too, right? I mean, we’re walking and talking and feeling and we can buy any kind of food we want (mostly) and don’t even get me started on how cool the Internet is and we get to love people and oh, have you been in a library lately? Did you know you can take books home for free?

It’s like there are two Jen’s – the happy delighted beside-herself-with-life Jen and the Jen who is, let’s face it, possessed by a Squirrel.

A squirrel!

It feels like Squirrel Jen is fixing (as we say down South) to get some learning from delighted Jen only what will happen as a result of this learning remains a mystery.

So this week,

I’m going to be lovingly notice my moments of Squirrel-dom overwhelm and in those moments, notice

how my fear of imperfection is at work.

I know that my squirrel-dom-overwhelm flares up when I attempt to focus (my intention for this month) and I believe I’m afraid of focusing because…

I don’t know.

But I’m on the scent.

I’m getting warm.

I can feel it.