Partially because I’m offering five retreats in the next four months and partially because I’ve been on the brink of burning out myself.

And because I’ve talked to so many clients and friends lately who have wondrous lives but can’t enjoy them because they are crispy fried.

Charred.

I’m a learner, learning is what I do, so I reached out to Dr. Charlie Gilkey for a smart guy’s perspective on self-care and comfort. When I start to chew my own tail, I know I need an outside perspective.

We recorded a great conversation – it’s worth your time. Charlie’s witty insights include:

You understand replenishing with your mind but you don’t understand it deeply if you’re not doing it a lot. You know you need self-care intellectually but until you do it and see the results, you don’t get it.

You grow through discomfort but if you’re too uncomfortable, you can’t grow. (Thanks Charlie for summing up my 19 years of work so succinctly. This is why I dig you so much.)

You can’t package comfort like McDonald’s fries. What resources and fills you up has to be tailored to you and your actual challenges.

Retreating gives you the same thing good coaching does – an outside observer and process so you get past your blind spots.

When you do a retreat, there is a trust you place in the people who creating it that you don’t always place in  yourself. You haven’t harnessed your own resources yet so you don’t trust yourself.  A retreat is a way to stop questioning everything you are thinking and doing, you can be just in the process and thus renew yourself.

Listen in for lots more groovy insights.

to save a file to your computer, right-click or option (apple) click on the link, and choose “Safe File As…” or “Save Link As…”

Virtual_Retreat_Call with Charlie and Jen

P.S.

Love yourself INTO action and OUT OF depletion with me and 12 other world famous teachers… without even getting out of your pj’s!
The Virtual Retreat package includes:

•  A copy of “How To Retreat,” an eBook that helps you let go of the fear and shows you how to create the time.
•  Gentle ‘Get Ready’ emails – to help you prepare for your self-caring-est weekend ever.
•  Exclusive access to a members-only blog, where you will get untold amounts of support and encouragement, PLUS…
• 13 heart-expanding mini-retreats with world-renowned authors and healers over three days.
• Easy-to-download recordings and transcripts of each mini-retreat – so you can come and go as you please. And use the material for years to come.

If you sign up before February 5th, you get a $50 discount!

Save Texas retreat save 30$ before February 6th, Wisconsin retreat is almost full.

Related posts:

1. Choose Your Life Mondays – the Depletion Edition
2. Choose Your Life Mondays – No Overwhelm Edition
3. Choose Your Life Mondays #7

It is a holy need.

Sometimes in a “holy crap! I need a break” or in a “I’m full of holes, I’m ready for mending” or in a celebration of wholeness kind of way. All holy.

Here are a couple of excerpts from your entries:

Gail said:

You know, when I first watched the video all I could think was, “Oh my gosh, Jen can see what a total stressed out mess my life / business / life has become, and she’s here to rescue me. Has she been sitting in the corner watching me? Where are you hiding, Jen?”

Retreat. Wow! The word even feels delightful just rolling it around on my tongue. I can’t imagine giving myself permission for such a thing. But I would surely like to try. I’m exhausted, and accomplishing very little as a result – which exhausts me even more. I know better, but knowing doesn’t necessarily change anything.”

I promise I’m have no such video camera, sweetie. We all get trapped in the cycle of depletion, it’s so utterly convincing and feels so real – this is just the way it has to be, we mutter – that we’re like the proverbial frog in the pot with the water s-l-o-w-l-y heating up.

It. Does. Not. Have. To. Be. This. Way.

Fernanda said:

I have never been on a retreat before – it is scary how much I could learn about myself if indeed I had a chance. I am at a major crossroads in my life – do I pursue the career I had before staying home with my son? Or do I just get a job that will provide the hours that would make it possible for me to spend more time with him? Time vs money but also so much more…

I have felt like people’s cash cow since I was 14 years old. I started working full time then and my parents took my pay checks. I got married and the same happened with my husband. “For our future” I was told.

Now at the age of 37 I have absolutely nothing to my name.

This is not a time vs money thing – it is so much deeper than that!!!

Fernanda, it is! When we value ourselves, we refuse to be anybody’s cash cow or 24/7 doormat.  Self-care = self-dignity and the right to choose our lives.

Ellen wrote a hysterical entry that ended with the plaintive question many of us ask ourselves:

So what does retreat mean to me? A chance to quiet the voices in my head running my to-do lists, the opportunity to see who it is I want to be, to look in the mirror and see who I actually am. A chance to be REAL. This is a gift to give oneself but finding the time and finances can be a burden. The question is: am I really worth it?

I don’t think I’ll ever do a contest again because this was so hard.

Yet maybe it helped some of you see your needs and consider you can get them meet, even if you can’t retreat with me.  YES?  Maybe?

I had to choose the winner using a random number generator.

AND

I’m giving away a ticket to one of my live retreats so one more person gets to retreat.

And an extra seat at the Virtual Retreat, too.

The Nano with last year and this year’s virtual retreat sessions pre-loaded goes to Lisa comment #49

The free seat to this year Big Virtual Retreat with 13 heart expanding teachers, live support, and e-book goes to Marcy comment #21 and Barbara #101

A free ticket to one of my one day live retreats – your choice of Wisconsin, Texas, Ohio or Maryland – goes to Carrie comment #53

Please contact me by putting your email in comments or here to claim your prize.

Together, may we slay the dragons that hiss, “”YOU CANNOT PAUSE. YOU CANNOT GO WITHIN. YOU CANNOT REST.”

Related posts:

1. The Virtual Retreat: Day Two
2. Choose Your Life Mondays – the Wednesday Virtual Retreat Version
3. Virtual Retreat Questions

Exploring how to rest.

How to be… boneless wonder

tension drained away

nowhere to go, nothing to do

open to receiving without having to make anything happen or manage anything

easy with ourselves

content with what is

restful creativity

restfully engaged with something

resting from the quest

resting in imperfection

See, everybody has a different way of defining rest for themselves – of experiencing rest.

Once again, there ain’t no right way.

What We’ve Learned about How to Rest

• You have to be willing to. How do you get willing? It’s helped me this month because hundreds of other women at the Cafe are exploring it at the same time. \

Who can support you in resting?

• You might wistfully say, “What a great idea, rest, that sounds soooo good,” while you are dashing off  your 1000th holiday card or spinning around the house, picking other up people’s crap. If  you aren’t willing to rest, then be not willing.

There is so much freedom in the declaring what is true for you and giving up second guessing and “trying.”

• You may need to say hi to any fears about resting, of not “keeping up,” of getting sucked into depression or procrastination, or whatever demons may be waiting at the gate of rest. Don’t push them away! Say hi to them, they are here, it’s kinda of rude not to.

And your fears do not get to determine if you get to rest.

• Ask yourself , “What is restful to me?” Forget what should be – be curious about what is. Perhaps you want to rest in the midst of life rather than thinking it’s something that you must earn or that comes after everything else is done.

Perhaps you rest in the chaos of the holidays?

• Rest often has a quality of receiving – of resting in or on something that is not you. That may be a couch or it may be God. It may be the love of your beloved or the soul of the Earth.

Just knowing there is something bigger than you and you aren’t in charge, that’s very restful.

• Do something that quiets your mind. Jump on the treadmill, take the dogs to the woods, put on a yoga DVD, dance to trance inducing music, knit, paint in your art journal, count your breaths – most of us need a transition activity to get to a restful state.

Give your mind and body a bone.

And…

Three pieces of Comfort Cafe wisdom this month captured rest for me (there is tons more wisdom I could share but I’ve got to hit publish!)

Donna’s beautiful phrase Rest from the Quest:

I’m tired of searching.  I’m tired of striving.  This December my intention is to take a rest from my “quest”.  I plan to stop worrying about what is next in my life and focus on what is now.  To quote I want to learn to “rest in the divine” as Jen said in her video this month. “

Diedra crying foul on our culture’s anti-rest message:

Here’s something interesting I just realized. Well, I KNEW this but really had it driven home! Through the media, and probably a million other nagging little voices we are condittioned to NOT rest, even when we’re sick.
Example, I just saw a TheraFlu commercial that goes something like this. Women sick with the flu, shivering under a blanket. Husband gives her TheraFlu, she drinks TherFlu, and Bam! they’re bouncing out the front door!
Seriously??? Could they not even show one little clip of her getting a bit of rest in bed after drinking the stuff before bouncing her out the door??
No wonder we’re all rest deprived and running on empty!

And our Wise Person Guest Carla Blazek (last minute shopping folks, check out Carla’s amazing candles – beloved by Oprah!) beautiful phrase, “Rest in Imperfection” in which she talked about resting in being who you are rather than “pounding yourself down” with what she isn’t doing.

So what is rest for you? How can you rest today?  Or maybe you don’t want to? And if you don’t want to, embrace that!

I’d love to hear what rest is for you!

P.S.

Mini-love note to my Comfort Cafe:

I love love love that you have been willing to consider and play and open your heart to rest during what, for some people, is the busiest time of the year.

It feel so sly. So counter culture. And you know, I love anything that breaks the rules.

Related posts:

1. Breathing into the Imperfection Gap
2. I Finished
3. The Unmet Need of Bright Shiny Objects

I’ve been doing Choose Your Life Monday posts for awhile now. I’ve blogged about being aware of various patterns, I’ve shared Life Organizer questions, and now I’m doing this post a bit differently.

Over the years, I’ve had a rocky relationship with holidays.

Celebrating the solstice by lighting candles in all the windows then going for a walk in the dark and talking about what had brought us light during the year, then coming back to our house blazing with light and reading solstice stories aloud and drinking warm beverages – yum!

I adored making magic for Lilly when she was little – putting out cookies and milk for Santa and then taking a bite of the cookies after she was in bed thrilled me more than her.

But death (Dad) and teenagers and divorce and new families make everything so different.

I am good at stating the obvious, aren’t I?

In the face of all this change, I find wanting to collapse and not do anything.

I find myself wanting to whine that things aren’t the same.

I find myself being drawn into blech land.

Hiding behind work and being a crappy shopper and various other stories so I hide.

I don’t engage.

Whoa!

I don’t think so, sweetie.

That is such an old, dead response.

Let’s try something better.

Instead, I gently ground my energy and turn toward my feelings of sadness and disappointment and grief… hello feelings.  No, I’m not interested in what-ifs and wishes- I’m staying with my feelings… ah, such tenderness, such sadness, such longing, such gratitude… breathe…. stay here with the feelings…

Big big breath, so big I feel my ribs creak…. energy spills up and out my head….

Descending, grounding… being…

Resting…

A deep still spaciousness fills me…

I remember, “Oh right, I can choose how I want to do the holidays.”

I see how much of my suffering lives in me.

Which means I get to choose what experience I want to have this year!

Oh holy mistletoe, Batman! Now that is good news.

And what has also been helpful to me is…

Comfort Cafe Holiday Helpful Suggestions

We’ve been sharing ways to make the holidays more meaningful and saner at the Simpler Holiday forum. I thought you might enjoy reading some of the treasure trove of ideas to help you see new possibilities for your holidays, too!

A few of the intriguing suggestions:

Our idea for simplifying was having a pajama day Christmas day …new jammies of course!
–Pauline

….One of my main simplify themes these past years has been to do “recycled giving”… finding items that I cherish but am ready to let go to someone else. I love how recycled giving brings out my creativity at the same time it helps me work on non-attachment to “things” …the gift has to really be a match, so it also tunes me into the whole reason for giving. What would this person most love to receive, and do I have something to give that would bring delight? The best gifts are usually those that tug at my heartstrings because a part of me is not “quite ready” to give them away.
–Sora

Starting on Thanksgiving I am going to do the 29-Day Giving Challenge. It was started by a woman who had MS, and she says it cured it. My sister is the marketing director of a mall, and last year they did a Senior Angel tree. She said the seniors asked for so little, mostly toiletries like nice soap or after shave. So almost everyone also gave extra stuff like cookies, candy, warm slippers, etc. The seniors were thrilled. I would like to do something like that. I find helping other people gives me a lift. This year it will probably be more important than ever to help other people.
–Gayle O

The nicest thing we do is drape a purple silk cloth over the windowsill and stick a “path” of 24 golden stars (like teachers use) leading up to the stable/ manger. Each evening we light a candle, move Mary and the Donkey (from Nativity Scene) one step (or star) closer to the stable and sing the carol “Little Donkey.” Now that is truly magical.
–Betty

What do you do to make the holidays more light filled? I’d love to hear. And if you are a member of the Comfort Cafe, come on by the Simpler Holiday forum and add your ideas.

Related posts:

1. Choose Your Life Mondays #6 – The Holiday Edition
2. Choose Your Life Mondays #2
3. Choose Your Life Mondays – The Char Edition

One of the most delicious things about the interconnectivity of on-line life is getting to learn from people you would never have met.

Falling in love with their particular brilliance.

It is so precious and endlessly wonder producing to me. It’s why I blog. It’s why I created the Comfort Cafe. It’s why I Twitter. I know it’s not a replacement for real life connections and I cherish my on-line relationships.

One such extra-delicious connection for me is with Char, the force behind The First Step, an extraordinary patient advocacy service that simply blows me away.

It’s so needed and she is doing it so well! If you, or someone you love, is ill, check out Char’s website.

And I utterly wildly dig the questions she creates (she shares them at the Comfort Cafe forums regularly) She is better at creating questions than me!

This recent blog post of Char’s shows her question genius in action.

I’ve been wanting to explore these questions myself  so here goes:

What’s not working for me?

Char says: A hint for answering this question is to do it in your sloppiest most inarticulate way without trying to “figure it out”.  Whatever falls off your pen and onto the paper is perfect.

Feeling overwhelmed by projects and the holidays. Having to trek to Seattle again and again for doctor’s appointments. Feeling pressured. Feeling stiff from not exercising.

What are the signs that something isn’t working for me?’

A feeling of tension in my body. Noise in my head. Pain in my upper back.

How many of these things have actually happened in the last 24 hours?

All of the above.

What are some possible steps I can take to make things run smoother?

Return to my body. Always, always, always, for me, it’s about getting out of my head – which means stepping away from the friggin all holy computer – and coming back into my felt embodied experience…. I just did that. Here is what happened:

I felt my body, scanned it, what am I feeling?  Feel it, feel what is here, drop completely into it, stop pushing it away.

I noticed intense dark blue energy around my solar plexus, down the front of my body. Heavy, pulsating. Go into it.

I explored it, dropping my story about what the energy meant or where it came from. Be with it, be in it, follow it and also witness it, I am not just this energy.

After a moment, the energy exploded in roars and growls and rapid movement…. Let it move how it wishes.

Then it fell away.  I paused and rested. Ah…  Give yourself time to observe how you feel now.

Other possible steps: saying no to any new commitments for the rest of the year.  No phone calls or radio shows or interviews!  Continuing to plan each day the night before with only three main things to do, firmly commit to those three priorities, no secret “But if I have time, then I will.” Also, allot blocks of time for each priority – otherwise, I end up screwing around and wasting time and not actually resting or having fun. Keep it clean and simple!

Thanks Char for a Choose Life Monday check-in. You rock!

What to play?  Join in the comments or on your own blog. Be sure and link back to Char’s!

Related posts:

1. Choose Your Life Mondays – No Overwhelm Edition
2. Choose Your Life Mondays – The Sad Swamp
3. Choose Your Life Mondays – The Honoring Edition