We know grief comes in waves and this week has been a tsunami: grieving my baby now fourteen and a full on teenager, grieving my marriage, grieving all the moments I tried to be present with her, all times I tried not to worry about returning this email or writing that or coaching that writing client, and all the times I failed.

I love myself so much for trying and I weep wishing I could have those days back.

And then I bring myself into this moment because here is another chance.

And another.

And yet another.

On yes, being here is so good. And so painful. And there is fear… flitting by… and there is joy.. and love… and regrets… and it just all keeps moving, as long as I allow it.

To…keep… moving.

BATHTUBS

This week, I teared up when I would remember the fierce firmness of her tiny feet, when I would hold one of my dogs and recall the absolute rightness of holding Lilly against my chest, when I caught sight of her picture on the table by the sofa. She’s four and in the bathtub, big grin on her face, hair gelled into a curl onto of her head.

That bathtub may have burned last night.

Or it might be burning right now.

My old neighborhood in Santa Barbara, where that picture was taken, is in the evacuation area and the area around it did burn last night.

My former neighbors are wondering right now if their homes are still standing.

I’ve left phone messages.

I keep checking the news.

And during all this fearful wondering for their well being, I find it so startling and just plain odd that my mind has been in that house so much this week.

It feels like my memories are burning.

And that’s not a bad thing.

Join me in praying.

P.S. My old ‘hood is fine as are all friends! And the comment box is not appearing for some reason I just discovered so if you tried to comment, so sorry. Will fix, promise!

Related posts:

1. Comfort During Fearful Times: Hope Making
2. Comfort During Fearful Times: Getting Out the Pre-Election Jitters
3. Comfort During Fearful Times: When You Make A Big Fat Hairy Goal

My brilliant friend and Writer’s Retreat guest star Havi Brooks loving advises that the first step in taking care of yourself is to meet yourself where you are.Yeah for Havi!

For me, that usually looks like saying something like, “I so don’t want to be afraid and I so don’t want to stop and feel anything and I so want to eat donuts right now, and this being with myself never really helps anyway and why can’t I just get to doing something to make myself better right now.”

We want action!

We want to be super charged action heros. Let’s change things now.

That doesn’t work.

Why? Because when we try to move right to change, there is a fundamental rejection of ourselves, a subtle (or not so subtle) belief that what we are feeling is not okay and therefore we are not okay which means we are not lovable which means we are not safe.

Cue donuts.

A Bob Kegan aside

Bob Kegan writes about this in How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work. How when we discover we believe something about the world or ourselves, a master assessment or big damn story, something like if we talk to our fear we will be annihilated or if we stand up for ourselves at work we will be fired on the spot, end up alone, broke and without even a pet to hug, we need to stay with that assessment and watch how it plays itself out in our daily lives before we do anything differently.

So here you are

And it’s might be scary and uncomfortable and itchy and twitchy and you certainly may hate the idea of being here and that’s where you start. Acknowledge the itch, the deadness, the fear of fear. Acknowledge that you might not want to slow down and check in – in fact, you’d rather eat nails or give money to McCain. Acknowledge that comfort in form of donuts or checking email or reading more blogs sounds way more more satisfying right now.

In other words, notice the resistance, the wall, the “I don’t want to whine.” You don’t have to like it!!! You just have to stop and say hey. Oh yeah. You.

Kind of subtle and so very strangely liberating.

Tell me if you do it and what happens!

Related posts:

1. Comfort During Fearful Times: It’s Not About Self-Improvement
2. A Comfort Tele-Experience:
3. Coming Home Comfort