When I decided to do the Virtual Retreat: Finding Calm, Confidence and Contentment No Matter What, I knew I wanted it to happen soon for two reasons:

Because so many of us are in need of help dealing with uncertainty, fear, worry, even terror like:

• Yesterday a friend announces, “Either we’re moving across the country or he loses his job. We find out this week.”

• An Israeli woman comments on this blog yesterday about feeling guilty for seeking inner calm when Hamas are using children for human shields less than 10 miles away.

• A client waits for a diagnosis.

• My boyfriend wonders if his job of ten years for a global non-profit is disappearing—and with it, his irreplaceable environmental work.

And

Because we humans, we don’t always love change.

You may hate it, at least some aspects of it. You may want to scream, “Give me my comfort zone back!” (And some good chocolate and a blanket to hide under while you’re at it, thank you very much.)

But you also know that–and this one may wake you up at 3 am–that never before in the history of humanity have we needed to work together to save ourselves–and our children, and our common futures, like we do now.

You want, you may need, to be part of the goodness and possibility sweeping our world. Even in the midst of such turmoil, war, and suffering. It’s here.

No matter your politics, you want to be part of the hope that is building.

We can feel it, hope and purpose and decency returning, wanting us to work with its tide of wholeness, to let it carry us and to help carry it.

Michele Obama knows we want to be part of the change — how brilliant is it that the day before the Inauguration she’s asking us to be of service? See her invite here.

And often, we must prepare ourselves to be the change we wish to see.

We don’t stop doing service (wouldn’t it be cool if you offered a gift of service to someone and made doing that part of your Virtual Retreat!?!) or reaching out to others; we do this at the same time we till our souls, we listen to the fears that may be stopping us, we give ourselves gentle attention and rest, we attend to our deepest needs.

At the same time.

I adore this comment left a few days ago in response to my post How to Take Action when Fear is Paralyzing You by writer Joely Black because it speaks to how important tilling the soil is so we can get out of our way.

For the last two years or so, I’ve been completely stuck by a fear I can’t even feel. I know I’ve got blocks and limiting beliefs, so for two years, I just worked on the limiting beliefs I had around getting an agent and being a published author.

No matter what technique I used, the beliefs always came back. It was the fear underneath that kept re-instating them, so I wouldn’t actually look at the fear itself. That’s how scared I was – and still am.

This Christmas I went into a bookstore to get Yet Another Book On Dealing With Issues and stopped myself. “But I’m OK,” is what I kept thinking.

Since then, I’ve noticed the beliefs dropping away, and at last I can actually feel and deal with the fear I’ve been hiding from. I’ve started doing the work with somebody’s help to really get Amnar out there. It’s amazing how we get blocked in ways we can’t even see.

Let us join together to bring down the obstacles to wholeness and justice, outside and inside.

Let  us be of service in ways that show each we are not alone, never have been, never will be.

Let us gather our beauty together and shine it out into the world, shot through with courage and pockmarked with imperfection.

Let’s us.

So whether you intend to join us at the Virtual Retreat, what will you do, externally and internally, to prepare the way for change? To be the change you want to see? (and if you need to start under the covers, that is so perfectly fine – I may meet you there!)

Terrified even.

I want to jump out from this computer and run screaming out of my office and straight back to bed. Pull the covers over my head.  I’m thinking how good a lunch break would be even though it’s closer to breakfast than lunch. How much I wish I could go open a cheese shop.

You see, I’ve been trying writing about fear all morning, trying creating an interactive digital experience to transform fear.

Wait, you may be asking, why I am crossing the trying word out?

Because here’s one thing I have learned about fear in my research fest:

fear is more about trying and not so much about doing. As soon as I start doing (which today means writing) I am beset with doubts which quickly turn the doing into trying. Today’s doubts are:

• This isn’t a good idea.
• Why should I write this?
• There is so much already written about fear.
• I won’t be able to find a good copy editor.
• I won’t be able to afford a good e-book designer.
• Wait, what am I doing?

Suddenly my idea for a digital hope fest isn’t very clear anymore. Am I going to write a series of emails leading you through a process I’ve cobbled together? Or would an e-book be better? Audios of the process or just calming audios or both? A virtual retreat? I watch my project careen from focused and worthwhile to huge and overwhelming to wait, there is no project! All of which happens in a matter of two breaths.

Then I could start down the very long and winding trip of “What should I be doing with my life? Should I be writing X instead?”

Stop!

This is where I’m learning to stop myself and remember: The question is not, ‘What should I do?’ but rather ‘What do I want to do?’

I care so much about doing good work and living a meaningful life that I get constipated and can’t get anything out because what if it’s not purposeful and meaningful?  The longer I go without creating, the more plugged up I get. What if it is not up to me what value or meaning something has but up to the person receiving it? What if it just up to me to show up?”

What I’ve discovered is my washing machine of fear is created by how much I care. That deep caring used to fuel me to create, no matter how imperfectly. But somewhere along the line, I started believing that if I were doing what I was supposed to be doing (notice the abandonment of choice), my days would be ease-filled and fear-free. Right livelihood got conflated with feeling no fear. As in “I’m on the right path if everything feels great all the time.”

When I would feel fear and doubt, instead of taking these emotions as a sign to check in with myself or an indication I have left my comfort zone and am taking a risk, which means I need some extra healthy comfort and support, I would hightail it down the slippery slope of questioning everything I was doing.

What if instead, as Frances Moore Lappe and Jeffery Perkins propose in You Have the Power:

Fear is pure energy. It’s a signal. It might not mean stop, it could mean go!”

But only if I stop and unravel what I am feeling, connect back to my essential caring and my essential choice!

Which often means actually stopping. Which I’m going to do. Right now.

P.S. What form would you like the hope fest to take? Send idea to jen at jenlouden.com

And don’t forget to sign up for the cheap pre-release price to celebrate me getting over my fear and creating by saving money.

First, thank you Kate

Your comment got me to engage with the tricky slippery side of acceptance. Thank you!

Kate’s comment in a nutshell (read it all here)  was the ‘sit with your fear’ approach makes her feel worse. It can turn into focusing on the fearful negative thinking which can become a vicious circle. Kate points out:

If I keep sitting with it [the fear] whenever it turns up, over a period of a few days, I get more and more fearful, an increasing sense of dread very similar to the feeling that characterised my breakdown, that was similar to the feeling of nameless, overwhelming dread that characterised my childhood. Distraction *works* for me, and is a valuable, valid and recognised tool for breaking the spiral of fear and negativity. When I’m having a bout of terror, sure, it’s good for me to start by seeing what it’s about and challenging the ideas and reassuring the inner child, yada yada. But then I have to get right up and *do* something. I have to occupy my mind, to break the spiral. Because my mind is like a terrier, and if I don’t give it something to chew on, it’ll chew on the fear till I’m gibbering in a corner.”

Here is where I state the obvious

Kate listens to herself and what works for her, not anyone else.

Which is the life lesson I learn about hundred fifty times a day. The movie, Groundhog Day, anyone?

Sigh. But good sigh because I’m learning this is my life and I will handle my fear the way I want. Kate will handle it the way she wants. And so will you. Which is why it’s very, very cool (for me and I hope for you) to have this discussion.

A few distinguishing points about acceptance

which I may not have made clear before because remember, warning: this stuff is very tricky for me.

Acceptance is not agreeing with your fear or your fearful thoughts.

It’s not about listening to the catalog of awfulness that the fear may be spouting.

It’s not about believing the fearful thoughts or body sensations.

And it’s not about fighting the fear.

In fact, acceptance may be the wrong word – let’s use acknowledgment. Awareness. Glancing at your fear out of the corner of your eye. Sometimes even, for a few seconds, standing in its presence. Without ever having to like that you are feeling fearful.

What I’m advocating is something like this:

I am afraid. I am in the presence of fear or anxiety and that does not feel good. I don’t like it and trying to rid myself of fear is impossible and makes me spin in a tighter and tighter circles. Being afraid is part of being human. I hate being human sometimes. I hate feeling afraid as  often as I do and that’s a thought that takes me into the future where I believe I will always be afraid all the time. What’s happening right now? I notice my stomach feels tight and my teeth hurt from clenching them and thoughts are coming about how bad the day is going to be if I don’t get moving. I’m going to soften my belly and lower my shoulders even though I don’t want to and I’m remembering that there are probably millions of people feeling fear right now. I’m not alone. I’m not going to let fear run my life and I can be here with the experience of being afraid and be aware of it without putting energy into wishing it were not so.”

Then here’s what what happens when I skip the acceptance acknowledgment:

Crap, there’s that feeling of dread again. I hate this feeling. I shouldn’t be afraid – my life is so great. I want to go back to bed. I shouldn’t want to go back to bed. I should want to get up and do my yoga and then Dance of Shiva and then meditate and I’m so lucky to get to do fun work and I shouldn’t feel this dread. Does this dread mean I should quit writing and coaching and leading retreats and open a cheese shop? I bet if I opened a cheese shop I would never feel afraid again and I would fit into my thin pants (but you’d be eating a lot of cheese Jen – oh shut up) and my days would be so easy. If I was living my life purpose and being authentic and self-realized, I wouldn’t be afraid ever. But I afraid. Why am I doing this project anyway? Who do I think I am?”

Make any sense?

After noticing you are afraid and that you might be resisting that fear, you can

give your mind and body something to healthy to chew on, some healthy distractions, especiallly if you feel you are going to get sucked into a spiral of fearful thoughts or you just aren’t up to doing any inner work.

You could create a Comfort when I’m Afraid Healthy Distraction kit or basket or backpack or lunch pail so you have some mood changing goodies on hand and don’t have to think. Like:

• A friend’s number, someone who does not whip you into a frenzy about how bad things are but listens with compassion and asks empowering questions like, “What’s working?” and “What would you like to do next?”
• A book that makes you remember the bigger picture- poetry! Spiritual literature! The Woman’s Comfort Book!
• Scratch paper and colored pens – doodling big fat spirals in a juicy color calms me down
• Soothing audios – I’m creating some for this digital hope fest – sign up here to get a big discount
• Healthy snacks – food and fear are so related; the more sugar and wheat I eat, the more my fear can grab me. Make a list of healthy snacks that are also comforting – and share your ideas in the comment section. My list starts with the most healthy choices and then ends with whole grain bread which makes me itch (gluten) but reminds me that giving myself permission to have that (and taking one of these) will often stop me from eating the frozen cookie dough.
• Mantras like “I am larger than my fear.” “It’s human to feel fear.” “I live by decision not default.”
• List of thought distortions from a cognitive therapy source like The Feeling Good Handbook.

What would you add?

Which is a very long winded way of saying

Fear comes whether we like it or not.

Denying we are afraid, wishing we weren’t afraid, deciding we are bad or flawed for being afraid or that an idea or project is doomed because we are afraid, or trying to fight the fear can make it worse.

Acknowledging we are afraid is not the same as agreeing with the fear or letting it run us.

After we acknowledge the fear, we get to choose what to do next and healthy distractions are (thank you Kate) a powerful choice.

Okay, that was my best shot.  Comments please!

Oh yes and don’t forget to sign up for the big discount on my new product!

My brilliant friend and Writer’s Retreat guest star Havi Brooks loving advises that the first step in taking care of yourself is to meet yourself where you are.Yeah for Havi!

For me, that usually looks like saying something like, “I so don’t want to be afraid and I so don’t want to stop and feel anything and I so want to eat donuts right now, and this being with myself never really helps anyway and why can’t I just get to doing something to make myself better right now.”

We want action!

We want to be super charged action heros. Let’s change things now.

That doesn’t work.

Why? Because when we try to move right to change, there is a fundamental rejection of ourselves, a subtle (or not so subtle) belief that what we are feeling is not okay and therefore we are not okay which means we are not lovable which means we are not safe.

Cue donuts.

A Bob Kegan aside

Bob Kegan writes about this in How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work. How when we discover we believe something about the world or ourselves, a master assessment or big damn story, something like if we talk to our fear we will be annihilated or if we stand up for ourselves at work we will be fired on the spot, end up alone, broke and without even a pet to hug, we need to stay with that assessment and watch how it plays itself out in our daily lives before we do anything differently.

So here you are

And it’s might be scary and uncomfortable and itchy and twitchy and you certainly may hate the idea of being here and that’s where you start. Acknowledge the itch, the deadness, the fear of fear. Acknowledge that you might not want to slow down and check in – in fact, you’d rather eat nails or give money to McCain. Acknowledge that comfort in form of donuts or checking email or reading more blogs sounds way more more satisfying right now.

In other words, notice the resistance, the wall, the “I don’t want to whine.” You don’t have to like it!!! You just have to stop and say hey. Oh yeah. You.

Kind of subtle and so very strangely liberating.

Tell me if you do it and what happens!