Comfort Queen » Freedom from Self-Improvement

The Farm Fantasy Complete with Yurt

Jennifer — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 15:31:40 +0000

I was hanging with another self-employed coach/ writer / speaker friend this past week and we were both having a horrible no-good very bad day.

You know, one of those days in which you wonder, “What is it I do?” And you bemoan not becoming a nuclear physicist because at least they know how to split atoms.

One of those days in which all your plans, which just a moment ago were so shiny and promising, suddenly resemble false fronts on a movie set.

One of those days when you calculate how little money you can live on.

Otherwise known as a farm-fantasy day. Or move-to-the-ashram day. Or find-a-cozy-cave-in-Greece day.

You are going to give it all up for the simple life.

Give up the struggle, the effort, the bustle, the doing, whatever it is that feels so hard right now.

Yurts are always part of this fantasy. As well as spaciousness and time to do what you want. Shelling peas also shows up for me, not sure why.

There is a desire for wholeness and rest in the farm fantasy – you want to heed that.

There is also a desire to be rescued, to not have to be a grown up anymore – you don’t want to heed that.

Hold the desire for spaciousness, living a hand-crafted life, retreats and renewal in one hand and

in the other,

hold the exhilarating, humbling truth that choosing your life is damn hard work, putting yourself out there takes a huge amount of courage (whether selling your paintings or putting up a profile on Match.com), not to mention brain glucose, and being conscious,in general, is rewarding, sure, but also very, very taxing.

Farm fantasies are fun as long as you don’t confuse them with finally being safe. Finally being enough.

Watch a BBC period drama, read a historical novel, churn some butter and get back to putting one foot in front of the other. You aren’t doing anything wrong – it’s hard, it’s scary, and you are so not alone.

P.S. Non-farm fantasy retreat this weekend at Kripalu with me. You get to give up the struggle while staying awake. That’s good stuff.

P.P.S. Links: Living a hand-crafted life, retreats and renewal, enough.

More Freedom from Self-Improvement Insights + Keri Smith

Jennifer — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 07:05:04 +0000

What if I wrote a book about Freedom from Self-Improvement?

After talking to Keri Smith last week – every month I invite a wise person to have a conversation with us at the Comfort Cafe – I started to dream of a Keri-style book about getting free from this insidious idea there is something to be fixed about you.

It makes my heart beat fast to think about creating something as raw, as honest, as wildly real as Keri does.

You do know her work and her blog, right?

If not, hop on over there and be delighted – but first, here’ s a snippet of our conversation. What Keri said in this part of the Comfort Cafe Wisdomcast blew me away – I want to write more, think more, about how you and I can create from that place of truth.

Listen to the excerpt from Keri’s Wisdomcast (time: 4:39)

Wednesday Wiry Fankle #11

Jennifer — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 07:01:28 +0000

A sometimes Wednesday happening in which I dissolve posting flummoxia by posting a a jambalaya, a comfort basket, a wiry fankle (a Scottish word that means a tangle or a state of confusion), a bit of this and tad of that.

As you probably know, Freedom from Self-Improvement was last week and I humbly submit it was as blustery of a liberating time as its most excellent inspiration – International Talk like a Pirate Day.

Plus, it spawned a bevvy of freeing blog posts that elucidate most wonderfully how people get free from the tyrants of improvement.

Click on each blog title to read the full post or the last sentence – each post will infuse with enoughness and transport you with love!

Wiry Fankle #1

Polishing what is already smooth and shiny by Cairene MacDonald

It’s Friday. Time for a round-up of the week’s Lessons Learned.

Except, in honor of Jen Louden’s week of Freedom from Self-Improvement, instead of compiling my usual list, I thought I’d clarify what this weekly post is about. And what it’s not about.

[ I'm a bit late to the party in sharing this event with you - today is the last day - but you can still get in on the fun. Jen is giving away fabulous stuff, plus today you could win a whole year at the Comfort Cafe - which, as I've said before, is what stands between me and crazy burnout. ]

I am not flogging myself with a wet noodle (as they say) here.

The phrase “Lessons Learned” has connotations that maybe aren’t so nice.

First, there is perhaps an association with the notion of “teaching someone a lesson” – defined as: to get even with someone for bad behavior; to punish someone so that they will not behave badly again; to show what should not be done.

As though my Lessons Learned are somehow punitive insights into my shortcomings that I beat myself up with. Which is so not the case.

Wiry Fankle #2

Sleep Is More Important Than Self-Improvement by Victoria Brouhard

Prepare to be wowed with some scientific claims of dubious validity. Well, there is some real science, and then some additional thoughts from me. Full disclosure: I am not a scientist.

These thoughts were prompted in part by Jen Louden’s Freedom from Self-Improvement Week.

Last weekend I watched an episode of Nova Science NOW on PBS. There was a segment about sleep, and its connection to memory. (You can watch the full segment here.)

We still don’t know the true purpose of sleep, but nearly all organisms sleep in some form.

Scientists are finding that there is a connection between sleep and memory.

Wiry Fankle #3

Company Girl Coffee by Shawna R. B. Atteberry

This last week was a little rough because I didn’t sleep well. A pattern that finally broke last night, thank goodness. Part of that was my fault: I was staying up too late. I didn’t get a lot of writing done this week, but I did get a lot of thinking done. Thinking about where I want to go, where I want this blog to go, and who in general do I want to be? A lot of this reflection is due to another wonderful blogger and her challenge this week: Jen Louden.

Click here to read more!

Wiry Fankle #4

I’m OK. You’re OK. We’re All OK. Really. by Chris Zydel

Somewhere along the line…. and maybe it’s just because I’ve gotten old…. I got kind of burned out on trying to fix myself. I had spent most of my 20′s, all of my 30′s and half of my 40′s trying to get better. To heal old wounds and improve myself so that I could have a happier and healthier life. In many ways it’s been a very worthwhile journey and I’ve made some powerful and much needed changes in my overall existence.

But at a certain point I also began to realize…

Wiry Fankle #5

No Self Left Behind . . .by Hiro Boga

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about inner wholeness. What makes us who we are? There are many selves inside me. They encompass every age I’ve ever been, or ever will be. They include my most tender, vulnerable, wounded selves as well as my most powerful, radiant, creative selves, and everything in between. Between them, my selves carry all of my life’s experiences, as well as the experiences of my ancestors, my culture, and my species.

One of my daily practices is to call a circle of selves into my heart…

Read on into delight.

Wiry Fankle #6

Today I am just enough by Heather Plett

Yesterday afternoon, I spent a little too much time reading blog posts that were mostly about “reaching toward the better version of me”.

Since I’m in a bit of a transition mode, working on building a consulting business, I’ve been reading a lot of books, articles and blog posts about all of the things I should be doing, could be doing, MUST be doing and would be a fool if I’m NOT doing in order to grow a business, be creative, market myself, blah, blah, blah.

At some point, I reached the breaking point.

Wiry Fankle #7

Getting Free and Feeling like a Winner! by Gayatri Seth

I can’t tell you how delighted, thrilled, grateful and just plain psyched I am to WIN a truly special life-giving gift from you! The Life Organizer has been sitting in my cart on Amazon for months… maybe years. Wow! I am just to thankful. It’s not just a book. It represents a whole lot more to me!

Last week, I had NO cash in any of my accounts. None. Checks outstanding, two kids to feed, bills to pay. Nada. I chose not to be afraid or lose it. But, I was anxious all weekend. I kept affirming that the Universe provides. It is bountiful. I have ALL that I need.

Peachy heart wild insights, gals, thank you for turning your wisdom inside out for us.

If I missed anybody’s posts, tell me and I will wiry fankle you next week.

Freedom from Self-Improvement: Heaven on Earth

Jennifer — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 07:05:40 +0000

Wow, what a wonderful week. What fun to see the freedom created by remembering we don’t have to improve ourselves to be.

We are.

I found myself feeling like I was on retreat all week. I’d stop and ask myself, “Why this feeling?” Then I’d remember Freedom from Self-Improvement, and that I don’t have to do anything, prove or improve anything… “Oh, that’s why I’m feeling so good.”

Grounded yet expansive, delighted and curious. Playful. Those are the moods I’ve noticed in myself, in your comments, and at the Comfort Cafe.

What mood have you noticed?

At the Cafe, we’re playing with all this freedom stuff all month, and the wise Cafers have some fantastic insights which they gave me permission to share. I hope their comments will help you feel the power of freedom from self-improvement.

I’ve always been very curious and ask lots of questions. When I come to “self improvement” from that way, it’s like a fun experiment. “I wonder what will happen if I do this….” It’s not so much about improving as seeing if a different way works better for me.
I need to find another word besides self-improvement because I think you are right, Jen. It just sucks the energy right out of anything I might want to try. –Beth

When I first became aware of our topic this month, I was thinking “Oh, man! I just got myself into a good place in my eating and exercise and it’s still so new — I can’t let go of self improvement this month!” The fear being, of course, that I would spend the whole month eating donuts and potato chips as if they were the two food groups.

But, I realized, that this isn’t about self improvement. It hasn’t been all along. It’s coming from a realization that my environment (where donuts and potato chips can seem like food groups) is not good for me. I’m been creating a new environment — I’m improving my environment, not myself. And it’s fun!

It helps to realize that this isn’t about changing me because I’m not good enough. I’m plenty good enough — in fact, I’m worthy of an environment that supports my healthy lifestyle. I can find ways to give it to myself. –Joy

Not being in stillness. Not being still.

BE-ing Stillness.

Gracefully remembering and returning to the centre of All. Relaxing into the soulful tranquility of Now. Sinking into comforting quietness within. Releasing mySelf into the beautiful, harmonious flow of deep peace.

And then, emerging into the world with New Eyes, lovingly interrupting self-debasing thoughts with gentle reminders of the simplicity of living in Now – of BE-ing Stillness. –Renee

My intention is more like a mantra: “There Is Nothing To Fix“

Major mantra benefits: It’ll throw off my perfectionist inner critic; any changes or “improvements” are icing on my already delicious cake (conversely, changes or “improvements” that do not happen still leave me with a delicious cake)

My Hopes: My self-trust will get a boost when I enjoy/rest in who I am and what I have/do, right now; I’ll be more of my own resource; and Anxiety and Fear stand less of a chance for a hostile take-over when I am more relaxed about the status quo. As always, it’s all connected (see other wonderful Cafers’ intentions). –Helga

I could quote on and on…Such strong wisdom!

Can you feel the lightness and ease and centered self-trust that arises from knowing you are?

Ahhh…

Today’s Giveaways

One Year Membership to the Cafe!

I’m giving away a year’s membership – entirely free – in the Comfort Cafe because it’s the grooviest, most heart-centered creation I’ve ever created. Comment today for a chance to win. You can give your membership to someone else if you wish!

The giveaway is now closed… but your comments are still welcome!

Did anything shift for you this week? The warmth of your insights lights up the world. So share them today!

Send a soothing, slightly-tongue-in-cheek Freedom From Self-Improvement coupon to someone else–just because our Freedom week is coming to a close doesn’t mean we have to stop sharing the love!

Audio from Camille Maurine

To save the file to your computer, right-click or option (apple) click on the link, and choose “Safe File As…” or “Save Link As…”

Here’s a short audio created for us by Camille Maurine, one of the most embodied, self-accepting people I know. (time: 11:13)

Thanks for playing with Freedom from Self-Improvement this week!

I trust the ripples of self-trust will continue to ripple through your life and the lives of those you love.

Hurrah for yesterday’s giveaway winner!

Wednesday’s winner of the spot at the Delicious Aliveness Through Self-Kindness Mini-Retreat: Lea Howell!
Thursday’s winner of the pass to the January 22nd-24th Virtual Retreat: Shawna R. B. Atteberry!

Share in the comments: What shifted for you this week?

Freedom From Self-Improvement: No More Fear-Based Marketing

Jennifer — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 07:01:41 +0000

In the last few months, people at my retreats, new coaching clients, and friends have revealed to me they are in debt because of buying this marketing program or that self-help 20 CD-and-workbook product for the low, low price of $9,000,000.

This makes me cranky and frankly, angry.

Yes, I know, it’s our responsibility to not get snookered by marketing, but I want to call attention to a sneaky trend I see snaring even the brightest and most aware among us (myself included), which is:

Fear-based marketing in the guise of “spiritual marketing” or “authentic marketing” and, even more crazy-making, marketing that suggests you aren’t playing big if you don’t buy a particular program or product.

If you don’t buy, it’s because you don’t believe in yourself.

I call bullshit.

It’s one thing to watch a commercial for wrinkle cream on TV – you know your fear of aging is being marketed to, and you’re on to it. It’s laughable.

But with blogs and emails and Tweets, a kind of invisible intimate enclosure is created around you. The distance between you and the marketing messages is collapsed. Add to this the viral nature of social media – everybody’s buying so-and-so and it’s all happening so fast – it becomes very easy to be infected by the feeling that if you just buy X, you will finally be Y, and then all will be well.

Self-doubt and your worst fears do the buying, often without you even knowing it.

I have clients come to me who are almost paralyzed in their abilities to express themselves or to take concrete action in their lives. It’s like they are swimming in this very tiny fish bowl, and the bowl is made of the blogs they are reading, the products they are buying, and the story that if they just find the right product / course / teacher, they will finally unlock the golden door to…

…to nothing.

Because there is no golden door.

Because we don’t need one.

Get familiar with the feeling of being snookered

What are the signs you are getting hooked by fear-based marketing – or simply need to take a break from reading so many blogs and e-zines? (Yes, even mine!)

For me, the signs include a feeling of urgency – I must decide now! I must change my entire business/life/body now!

Red flag. Who says?

I start to have an internal conversation that runs something like, “Finally, this entrenched issue will be solved, once and for all. I’ll be saved from myself.”

Red flag. I do not need to be saved. I am innately good, no drowning soul here. What do I choose?

I begin to feel confused and compare myself to whomever is selling to me.

Red flag. Comparisons are always a sign I’m into fear-based self-improvement/business improvement of the worst kind.

I’m all for learning and growing, and I buy products and courses to do just that.

My point is, let’s each learn and grow (and buy) from the spacious truth that we are innately good, nothing to do or prove, and thus the idea that if we just buy X we will finally be Y, is a big fat lie.

And let’s not buy from anybody who tries to hook us that way.

What are the signs you are being snookered by fear-based marketing? Comment below. Your free prize includes my 2000000 CD marketing course on how to avoid ever being snookered again. Giggle.

Today’s Giveaways (For Real!)

Audios from Molly Gordon & Victoria Moran

To save the files to your computer, right-click or option (apple) click on the link, and choose “Safe File As…” or “Save Link As…”

A short audio from master coach and creator of the Self-Employment Tele-Summit, Molly Gordon, asking, “Why would you want to change?” (time: 2:41) What a blast of truth to strengthen your day.

Sparkling spiritual mentor and author Victoria Moran tells you that you are already magnificent and expression of the divine – no fear here (time: 6:25).

Victoria’s newest book is Living a Charmed Life.

Have you sent yourself or someone who needs an uplift a Freedom from Self-Improvement coupon yet? They are a delightful way to spread the love.

When you comment today, ~~you’ll be entered to win a free pass to my January Virtual Retreat~~. I don’t even have a sales page up for it yet! It’s January 22nd-24th and even if you can’t attend live, you’ll get all the recordings and transcripts.

The giveaway is now closed… but your comments are still welcome!

Hurrah for yesterday’s giveaway winner!

Tuesday’s Winner of a month’s membership to the Comfort Cafe: Char!
Wednesday’s winner of the spot at the Delicious Aliveness Through Self-Kindness Mini-Retreat: Lea Howell!