Comfort Queen » Jen Louden

Slipping into the Retreat Field

Jennifer — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 19:27:54 +0000

Ahh… the most fascinating experience in unfolding over here in my little studio with it’s bright blue floor and profusion of art supplies and books:

I can feel the hundreds of people gathering their hearts

I can feel the shimmer of intention.

I can feel the settling.

I can even feel the clutter clearing, flower arranging and possibly the candle lighting.

Ahhh…

I’m not a very airy fairy person

I study yoga and subtle energy and all that body and soul stuff but honestly, I’ve always got one eyebrow cocked.

So it is absolutely fascinating to me to palpably feel this huge growing thrumming something.

It’s behind me and around me and carrying me forward like a gentle wave.

As I read participants intentions like”

take this ‘treat ‘ seriously”

to experience a few moments of “me-ness,”

to take that deep soul releasing breath and just BE with this! Accept the comfort and love of the words”

I want to recharge and find new ways to love and serve”

and

looking forward to reaching out to myself some”

The wave just gets bigger.

I am in awe of the power of the retreat container, the intention,we are creating together to stretch literally around the globe, to support us in our desire for strength, for peace, for renewal.

As I center myself in gratitude and take the rest of the morning and early afternoon to prepare myself to be a good steward of all this love, I ask all of you out there who are not joining us, to send a molecule of care and love toward all the participants this weekend, and to send twice as many molecules to yourself.

Tonight’s mini-retreats are me, Patti Digh, Hiro Boga and Fabeku. Be still my beating heart!

P.S. If you are new to my blog, I’m talking about the 2nd annual Big Virtual Retreat: Refresh, Reawaken, and Rediscover Who Your Are in Ways that Truly Work that starts Friday Feb. 12th You can still join us. Just be sure and read the How To Retreat e-book before tonight!

Virtual and Mini-Retreat Winners

Jennifer — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 07:01:50 +0000

Wowza – retreats are needed - that’s what I got from your responses to my Big Virtual Retreat Contest.

It is a holy need.

Sometimes in a “holy crap! I need a break” or in a “I’m full of holes, I’m ready for mending” or in a celebration of wholeness kind of way. All holy.

Here are a couple of excerpts from your entries:

Gail said:

You know, when I first watched the video all I could think was, “Oh my gosh, Jen can see what a total stressed out mess my life / business / life has become, and she’s here to rescue me. Has she been sitting in the corner watching me? Where are you hiding, Jen?”

Retreat. Wow! The word even feels delightful just rolling it around on my tongue. I can’t imagine giving myself permission for such a thing. But I would surely like to try. I’m exhausted, and accomplishing very little as a result – which exhausts me even more. I know better, but knowing doesn’t necessarily change anything.”

I promise I’m have no such video camera, sweetie. We all get trapped in the cycle of depletion, it’s so utterly convincing and feels so real – this is just the way it has to be, we mutter – that we’re like the proverbial frog in the pot with the water s-l-o-w-l-y heating up.

It. Does. Not. Have. To. Be. This. Way.

Fernanda said:

I have never been on a retreat before – it is scary how much I could learn about myself if indeed I had a chance. I am at a major crossroads in my life – do I pursue the career I had before staying home with my son? Or do I just get a job that will provide the hours that would make it possible for me to spend more time with him? Time vs money but also so much more…

I have felt like people’s cash cow since I was 14 years old. I started working full time then and my parents took my pay checks. I got married and the same happened with my husband. “For our future” I was told.

Now at the age of 37 I have absolutely nothing to my name.

This is not a time vs money thing – it is so much deeper than that!!!

Fernanda, it is! When we value ourselves, we refuse to be anybody’s cash cow or 24/7 doormat. Self-care = self-dignity and the right to choose our lives.

Ellen wrote a hysterical entry that ended with the plaintive question many of us ask ourselves:

So what does retreat mean to me? A chance to quiet the voices in my head running my to-do lists, the opportunity to see who it is I want to be, to look in the mirror and see who I actually am. A chance to be REAL. This is a gift to give oneself but finding the time and finances can be a burden. The question is: am I really worth it?

I don’t think I’ll ever do a contest again because this was so hard.

Yet maybe it helped some of you see your needs and consider you can get them meet, even if you can’t retreat with me. YES? Maybe?

I had to choose the winner using a random number generator.

AND

I’m giving away a ticket to one of my live retreats so one more person gets to retreat.

And an extra seat at the Virtual Retreat, too.

The Nano with last year and this year’s virtual retreat sessions pre-loaded goes to Lisa comment #49

The free seat to this year Big Virtual Retreat with 13 heart expanding teachers, live support, and e-book goes to Marcy comment #21 and Barbara #101

A free ticket to one of my one day live retreats – your choice of Wisconsin, Texas, Ohio or Maryland – goes to Carrie comment #53

Please contact me by putting your email in comments or here to claim your prize.

Together, may we slay the dragons that hiss, “”YOU CANNOT PAUSE. YOU CANNOT GO WITHIN. YOU CANNOT REST.”

Tuning into Your Essence

Jennifer — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 07:01:32 +0000

It won’t surprise you when I say that you need time to listen to yourself if you’re to know the authentic you.

The surprising part is that even though you know you need to, you don’t do it. And if you do, you might be missing a key distinction that can make all the difference in your ability to actually hear your “you.”

Oh, do allow me to explain.

The first part of tuning into your essence – that “I” that you can then express and share with the world – is to become intimate with your own desires, opinions, and feelings.

To do that, make a habit of asking yourself what you really want.

As in, when faced with a choice, ask yourself, “What do I want?”

You make think you do this now — but are you really listening to the answer?

You may not be able to have it, but wouldn’t it be wonderful to know what was on your wish list before you told yourself “No?”

Getting familiar with your desires is a huge (and delightful!) way to get to know who you are.*

However, there is another distinction.

The big key to inhabiting and sharing the authentic magic you recognize in others, and so want to experience – and express – for yourself is…

Go Into the Mystery – With No Agenda

This is the crucial part of asking yourself who you are and what you wish to express.

Of course, most of us skip it, usually without knowing it. Does this sound familiar?

You either don’t make time to listen to these tender signals, or sometimes you listen, but you immediately insist that those signals provide a road map for action, preferably one that will “attract abundance” and love and make us very unique and special and forever loved and safe, Amen.

When you put this kind of pressure on your longings, even though you do it from a place of great sincerity and true need, you squelch the signals of authenticity.

You change them before they can even be heard. What is yours to express gets turned into something else – what you think you need it to be to get you the love and attention crave out there.

Let’s stop this – right now – together.

Make a commitment to tend your yearning, the mysterious desire to express your truth that has been given to you.

What in the hell do I mean by that?

Go someplace safe and distraction free – if that means the back of your closet with earplugs, so be it.

Acknowledge that you have a deep, universal need for appreciation, for love, for self-expression.

Spend a few moments letting yourself have these basic human yearnings – this may bring tears, waves of joy, or simply a head nodding.

If it feels right, ask whatever you name as Larger than You (some might call this the Divine, God, Goddess, nature, Big Mind) and let your heart, your being, ask for these human needs to be filled. Accept what you need.

Now, lean into the part of you that yearns to express something. Instead of looking for this with your head, scan your body.

Where does the yearning to express what is yours live?

Get as curious and attentive to what you sense as you would to a new lover.

You know how it is when you are falling in love – you can’t get enough of the other person. Nothing gets in your way of spending time with him or her. You certainly do not try to turn them into someone different (that comes later, when they forget to feed the dogs or put gas in the car!).

Listen and revel in every bit of sensory input sent your way. Nothing can drag your attention away. There is a lightness too, a feeling of joyful “How amazing!”

See if there is a weight or temperature or color or shape or a sound associated with this spot. If ideas come, record those but keep putting your attention on tending the yearning without trying to turn it into something or forcing it to take shape.

Here’s how I stated my “yearning tending” in my journal:

There is a yearning inside me. It’s brightly colored – purple and pink and it has a psychedelic flower shape. I don’t know what form it wants to express itself as yet. I make a whole-hearted fierce commitment to be with it daily as it is.”

I ask it each night before I go to bed, “What tending do you need tomorrow?”

What tending does your yearning want and need?

I’d love to know and be able to help you tend that yearning by holding the space for you.

Part three in this series: The Signal Raising Power of Permission

Missed part one of this series? Get your Static Free Authenticity here.

*If the idea of asking and listening appeals to you, you might like delving into the subject in more depth. I wrote The Life Organizer and my upcoming Virtual Retreat (Feb. 12th-14th) is going to be a lot about doing just this!

Staying Calm When It Seems the Whole World Is Worrying

Jennifer — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 07:01:07 +0000

’m writing this on a blustery winter day in which the rain threatens to turn into snow any moment. I just got off the phone with a coaching client who has spent the last two months working on a massive, all-consuming project: helping her company lay 600 people off.

I’ve helped structure two other lay-offs in my time,” she said, “But before, there was someplace for people to go. But the other companies in my field are laying people off, too.”

As my client spoke, I felt fear trying to invade me, to take me over.

Fear’s maniacal (and terribly unoriginal) whispers tried to ensnare me in their usual blah blah blah of you’ll never work or create or earn money again and you’ll have to move in with your mother and your life will be meaningless…

I am sure you have your own version of this all-too-common refrain.

It’s very, very easy these days to feel that fear is in the very water you are drinking

and that you don’t have much of a choice whether you are affected or not.

But you have more power over your happiness than you think.

That’s why I love the study results released in mid-December from Harvard social scientist Dr. Nicholas Christakis and UC San Diego political scientist James Fowler, popularly dubbed “The Happiness Effect.”

They took data compiled from 4,700 people over 20 years and found that people who are happy have an clear effect on those they know. In fact, by being happy, you increase the chances that someone you know will be happy. And this “traveling happiness,” as I’m calling it, can reach and affect the mood of your partner, brother, sister, friend or next-door neighbor.

Your happiness is not just about your own choices and actions and behaviors and thoughts,” said Christakis. “It’s like there are emotional stampedes that ripple across this infinite fabric of humanity.”
Of course, unhappiness can also spread from person to person but the “infectiousness” of being unhappy appears to be far weaker. Yeah!

Another measurable indication of how interconnected we all are! What this study illustrates too is how we are each direct agents of change. Each of us can reverse the trend of unhappiness – of fear, anxiety, and worry — by increasing our own happiness.

Happiness is more important to us than money – as if that’s news!

In the Washington Post, Fowler said,

…our work shows that whether a friend’s friend is happy has more influence than a $5,000 raise. So at a time when we’re facing such economic difficulties, the message could be, ‘Hang in there. You still have your friends and family, and these are the people to rely on to be happy.’ “

What if you threw a “Traveling Happiness” party with people in your “range of influence” (don’t I sound scientific)? Get together (you could have happiness snacks:everybody brings a food that makes them happy) and each person writes a list of fifty of their “happiness makers.” Then take turns reading a few out loud, weaving a sparkling happiness net while visualizing people in your network – neighbors, co-workers, bosses, your kid’s coaches, the person who delivers your mail – being touched by this net.
Or if throwing a party sounds like way too much work, do this instead:

Get an eye bag from the health food store, about 12 bucks or fill a (clean) sock with buckwheat or flax and some lavender. Place your legs up a wall with your bottom snuggled up against the wall (you can wrap your legs in a blanket for extra comfort and warmth and you can put a blanket under your hips if you that feels good). Now put your eye bag over your eyes, and listen to this soothing worry-busting audio meditation.

Audio: Getting Calm (if you want)

And while you’re at it, download the audio onto your computer (just right-click and save) so you can listen to it any time you need a boost.

Whether you throw a Happiness party every week or dedicate your yoga or meditation practice to someone you love (or would like to feel more loving towards) or spread compliments wherever you go, what you choose does have an effect on those around you.

May we all be blessed – and bless others — with the happiness effect.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post: Calm, Confidence and Contentment: These are Not Just C Words

Choose Your Life Mondays #8

Jennifer — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 01:57:29 +0000

Choose Your Life Monday is an invitation to name what pattern you will lovingly notice this week and to do so in community. Of course, you can do it any day you want- you don’t have to start on Monday. Join in when and whenever suits you.

Last week I wrote about being a Christmas kitchen idiot and how burning the walnuts triggered a big story of “I can’t do anything right, why am I such a loser?” I’m happy I was so scathingly honest because:

It helped you to be more lovingly expansive with yourself or as Julie said “PS – Scathingly honestItidbits ROCK!”

and

Because I received this email from Rebecca which made me laugh so loud I spit my tea across the room.

I was reading your latest about burning the nuts and feeling inadequate… and all I can think is: you have done so much for so many, you have changed their lives…and you are upset about burnt nuts? [this is where I blushed at my own scathing honesty]

Heck, I am planning to toast walnuts completely smoking black in your honor! I’ll call it the annual “Jen Louden Holiday Kitchen Fire.” [this is where the tea spitting occurred]

You were meant to do something else in this life. And it seems to me you are doing that which you are meant to. I’m sorry the nuts tweeked your sense of self, but in the grand scheme…? [this is where I took a big swallow of tea and felt both sheepish and blessed]

I say this because of how much you have helped me with your book, The Life Organizer – it has given me a new way to see myself, new language to think thoughts in. It is a source of inspiration, strength, comfort…and joy. [this is where I did a little dance around the room and sang one of my off tune nonsense happy songs in joy for my book helping] [this is also where I said, yes outloud, 'Damn, that is a good book.]

On your tombstone, it will not say, “She couldn’t toast walnuts.” It will say something to the effect, “Beloved Jennifer was loved far and wide by many whom she never met…but they are her friends and love her as if she were family.” [this is where I got tears in my eyes and wondered at the power of words to connect us all]

Sincerely, One Grateful Reader

I hesitated to share this email because I thought it might seem a little self-congratulatory as in “Does Jen think her poop doesn’t stink?” or somebody might think, “Well, isn’t it good for her that she has her purpose all figured out, that only makes me feel worse because I don’t” (none of you are petty enough to have these thoughts so I’ll have them for you) but I decided to because…

I felt so busted and in such a good way

To my ears, Rebecca is saying, to me and you,

Hey, stop focusng in what you don’t do well and start paying attention to what you can’t help but do, your natural genuis. What the heck do you care about X when you can do Y and Z and plenty of A, F, and L?”

To my ears, Rebecca is the voice of God saying,

I only want you to be you. If you spent more time being you, you sure would have more fun. Either way, I love you.”

So, I propose, in Rebecca’s honor, that we each perform our own verison of the Jen Louden Holiday Kitchen Fire.

What are you ready to acknowledge is not your thing, not your gift, not your bailiwick, not your talent, not your forte, not your genius, at least in this life time?
What are you ready to stop trying or maybe you stopped trying a long time ago but you still wish you could?
What would, if you let go of it, let you have more brain space and greater heart energy for your natural can’t-help-but-do-it genuis?
What will be in your kitchen fire?

My “I will not be this in this life time” list is:

I will not be cook – and I will have lots of kitchen fires

I will not be a good speller - and this blog will have lots of typos

I will not do much of anything neatly – and I will continue to make art and wrap presents

I will not be a linear thinker – and I will still get my point across

I will not have a clean car, a tidy garden, or stain free clothes- and my sister will

I will not love parties where I don’t know people – and I won’t go if I don’t want to

I will not be calm, cool and quiet – and it will get worse as I get more deaf!

Wow, this feels so good, you’ve got to try it. I could go on and on, and I don’t want to write too much because I want to be sure I’m really ready to not want these things anymore, that I’m really ready to say, “Not this time around.”

So this week, I am proposing that you lovingly explore the idea of making an “I will never” list.

Forget putting down things you are already over – who cares about those?

Instead, list the things that you keep wishing you could do or ways you could be even though you know it’s not you.

Write down what you still itch about, even though you know, if Rebecca wrote you an email, she’d say,

Oh come on. Look over here. Here is your genius, here is where you want to focus. Stop with that stuff, leave it alone and get on with ______!!!”

I can’t wait to read yours!

Join me! Name what you will put in your kitchen fire in the comment section. I can’t wait to read what you will burn. Burn baby burn, it’s the not no more inferno.