Oh be still my beating heart.

Won’t You Join us Energetically?

So many of you wanted to be here but could not so I thought “What if we retreated together in spirit? What if the women who are here supported the women who are not, and vice-versa?”

You send your energy, prayers, and intentions to the women who are here, this weekend and next week, and I will ask women to send the energy of the retreats to you.

And

What if you took a mini-retreat between tonight and next Friday at noon and let the energy of my Kripalu retreats hold you and inspire you?

You could use the Virtual Retreat sessions (The Retreat is available again with a Refresher Day on April 25th) as one way to structure your time, like my sessions do for the women here.

Won’t you take even a half an hour in the next week to rest in the abiding peace that is your true nature, to calm your well-meaning but often rather busy mind, and to comfort yourself in ways that bring you toward life, rather than away?

If you do retreat, please share your intention and experiences here. Let us feel the ripples of retreats around the world!

Sending you the peace of true comfort and the power of women slowing down, listening, and remembering.

Sheesh, what a week.

I went back to Santa Barbara for the first time since Chris and I split up.

Back to the place where our daughter was born, at home, in the hills above the Mission.

Back to the place where I was part of an amazing wide-hearted community of friends.

Back to the place where my parents lived nearby and helped us with Lilly, offering her so much love (and me time to write).

Back to the sun! The flowers. The scents. My beloved Rattlesnake Canyon.

Back to the past.

It was wonderful.

It was exhausting.

Mainly, what exhausted me was my resistance.

I resisted the beauty of my former home, as if loving it would make me wrong to have moved away.

I resisted the love of my friends by not making plans ahead of time, although I still got showered a lot (thank you Anna for your tender loving care).

I resisted the sadness (not entirely but a little) that washed over me in waves as I walked and drove past landmarks from my younger life and tiny memories pricked my heart.

I spent the first three days feeling tired, flat and fragile.

And I wasn’t very impressed by my mood. I didn’t like it but I didn’t believe it was permanent or a big deal.

I was kind to myself

I hiked up the canyon and sat with my back against Egg Rock, the sun on my face, swallowtail butterflies mating all around me, and realized I was in my resourcing visualization.

Slowly, the resistance melted a little and I was able to be there now.

As I am now.

A woman with an almost 15-year-old daughter who I am astounded by; a divorced woman; a woman who misses her life in Santa Barbara and loves her people there; a woman madly in love with a miracle of a man; a woman who is (and will forever be) inventing and reinventing her creative life.

Hmmm… feels good to write that.

My intention for last two weeks was:

I will lovingly notice each time I find myself out of the flow and when I do, I will resource myself.

Notice my breath breathing me, notice all that is around me supporting me, notice that feeling of my heart crumbling and that everything is utterly okay.

This was the perfect intention. It didn’t prevent the flailing and flatness but it did let me be with it; not as wholly and easily as I would have liked but so much more gently than I could have even two years ago.

So yeah!

This week, I will be preparing for my two retreats at Kripalu (there is still time to sign up!) and what I want to be lovingly aware of during the time leading up to and during my retreat is…

I am a conduit.

It’s not about being smart, having answers, or people liking me.

Forget about that old pattern, baby cakes.

Conduits need lots of care to be strong and supple and open so this week…

I will lovingly notice when I am forcing myself to work to get “ready” or when I am getting attached to my agenda for teaching or when I am wondering if I’m doing a “good job” and in these moments I just might relax and open to that which is present and wants to be presenced.

Which is a long-winded fancy-pants way of saying I will get out of the way.

With pleasure.

With lightness.

With wonder.

Hopefully. Most of the time.

What about you? What will you lovingly notice this week? I hope you will share!

I freak

As in chew my tail off (or I would, if I had one.)

As in moan and thrash and pace.

As in I wish Kripalu would call and say, “Oh sorry. We decided you’re a big fake and we don’t want you here.”

I decide

I have nothing to say.

I have too much to say and I can’t possibly organize it all.

So I try all sorts of note organizing systems – big index cards, little index cards, files on the computer, mind maps, collage-things. They are all over my office right now.

I obsess about teaching stories and art journaling and how to help people shift at the level of how they see their lives rather than downloading info at them.

Downloading info doesn’t work.

I decide retreats are a waste of money and I should go work for my friend Howard.

I decide other people can do a much better job and this should be my last retreat.

Big Fake Syndrome

All of which leads back to what a Big Fake I am.

Capital B, capital F.

I have worked with this story, been coached on it, ate it for breakfast and been eaten by it for almost 20 years.

I thought I knew what a ruse this fake impostor story is.

I thought I had dismantled and dissolved it and then, this morning, in my morning “meditation” (which is more of a growling, writing, crying clearing) I realized that part of me is afraid.

Afraid of not doing a good job.

Afraid of not giving people what they need.

Afraid of not knowing the answers.

Oh sweetie baby darling, of course you want to know the answers. You are such a good girl and knowing the answers makes you safe. You are such a good student and so earnest and I know how much you want to help women.

And of course you freak every time we go to teach because you teach there are no fixed answers. Hell, we believe there isn’t even one fixed person to have one fixed set of answers!

Of course you want to run away and hide. You can’t be right.

And  you certainly can’t give everybody everything they need. It’s impossible and that’s so hard.

Tell me what I could do to help you feel safer.

My fearful self told me she needed rest before we lead these retreats and she needed to lean on my assistants and that she needs me to remind people I’m no guru and, most of all, she needed me to be really present and let the retreat unfold.

Because when I do that, it’s not about me.

It’s not about answers or fixing anybody.

It’s about saying hello and working with what shows up.

Aha…

I’ll hope you’ll join me at Kripalu where we will make art journal pages and dance and talk to our afraid and weary and frantic selves with lots and lots of love.

Which is not the actual moment of the equinox but actually a bit before, depending on where you are on the Earth’s surface.

And then bang: we’re off balance again.

Which is the way, come to think of it, we spend most of our lives.

What? Did the Comfort Queen just say that?

I don’t like that balance is in the sub-title of my first book.

I tweak the request when someone hires me to speak about balance.

Because balance is like the vernal equinox – it is momentary, fleeting, and it doesn’t even happen when your 7th grade science teacher told you it happens.

So why do we spend so much time trying to get balanced, be balanced, why do we set it up like the holy grail of sanity and safety?

Because it means we don’t have to be here, accepting life as it is.

It means we don’t have to acknowledge hard choices we might need to make, things, people, roles we might need to let go of.

It means we don’t have to mourn the losses of youth (remember those long days of just hanging out with your best friend doing nothing?)

It means we keep believing there is a promised land where we will finally start living our lives the way we want to because we are balanced.

Not that you believe that.

I know, I don’t either.

But boy, it is a tempting idea.

Instead, we recognize (sometimes with grace, sometimes with a bit of grumbling and soupcon of chocolate to ease our way) that we are creators and our power is inside ourselves and thus balance is a choice, a way of seeing, and not a destination to reach.

But if it was, I bought the most perfect dress yesterday to wear there, in balanced land.

I bought to wear to this wonderful benefit tomorrow night. If you live in Seattle, come and then say hi and give me a vernal hug. Not I did not say a venal hug.

P.P.S. Just a few more days until I’ll be helping you create at Kripalu. Please join me and tell a friend. I have a feeling these are going to be amazing blazing events!

How can I truly inspire you to love yourself more deeply than ever and allow that love to help you to create a life you love?”

After 18 years of writing and living and talking about this stuff, this is what I want to share with you at Kripalu:

You will get sucked into the trance of overwhelm, crazy-busy and not enoughness until you experience that self-love and self-trust can guide you home.

Then you will still get sucked into overwhelm,crazy-busy and not enoughness but you will love yourself back into centeredness oh so much faster!

That no matter what is happening in your life, you can sail on a river of self-kindness and self-trust to your center, to return to the place where you choose your life.

Really and truly.

You don’t have to be a victim of the feverish, frenetic pace of life.
You don’t have to be victim of your fears and what ifs.
You don’t have to sacrifice your vitality, your imagination and your health.
You don’t have to live five miles ahead of yourself and miss the entire trip.

There is another way.

Lots of other ways.

I want you to experience some of them.

To feel them in your bones and know them in your heart and to dance them with your body.

Sure, you can read another magazine article with ten tips to organize your life or find inner peace in nine seconds.
Yes, you can read another self-help book (I wrote some good ones.)
Yet sometimes, nothing changes – or at least not for long.

That’s because the shift that needs to happen must take place at the level of how you see yourself.

You have to transform your story.
But only with immense acceptance and love and tenderness.

But what will I actually get out of these retreats?

On the Weekend and the Week:

• You’ll learn the most overlooked first step to shifting stress, fear, and overwhelm.
• You’ll open your heart to yourself and your life – and gain energy and insight.
• You’ll be gently unwound so you can rest. Really rest.
• You’ll see with new eyes what  you are doing for others that they can do for themselves.
• You’ll become intimate with self-trust, a huge time and energy saving distinction.
• You’ll learn ways to choose more mindfully where and how to spend your time and energy.
• You’ll experience simple ways to shift your body to move into action and create more of what you want.
• You’ll use color and images to enliven joy and play  - and to illuminate what you need most.
• You’ll gain perspective on your projects and your life.
• You’ll feel less alone. Ever feel like a round peg in a square hole? Not at this retreat! These are your people.

On the Week Long Retreat:

In addition to everything above during the week:

• You’ll practice being satisfied and defuse restless doing.
• You’ll learn ways to flow with life rather than always rushing or marching.
• You’ll get a clearer picture of where you want to go next and brainstorm ways to get there.
• You’ll create a treasure chest of images, inspirations, ideas to sustain you at home.
• You’ll devise simple practices and commit clearly to what you will do going forward.
• You’ll unwind more deeply – perhaps more than you have in years.
• You’ll get the pleasure of knowing that you won’t have to cook, clean, or take care of anybody else for one whole week!

The big difference between the weekend and the week is we will play longer, wider and deeper in our concepts, make more art, dance a little longer and generally linger…

Linger. Doesn’t that sound delicious?

But wait, that sounds really intimate. Are you going to make me do touchy feely things?

Good question. I know I’m usually pretty afraid whenever I sign up for one of these creative fuzzy-wuzzy kind of spiritual retreat things.

Whenever I think about plunking my money and precious time down, I’m sure I’ll be the only one attending with a) who doesn’t belong, b) a loud obnoxious laugh, c) shyness issues, d) weird food allergies e) a tendency to burst into tears, and f) did I mention doesn’t belong and will feel left out as everybody else goes to dinner together?

But you know what happens when I decide to go anyway - in spite of this lovely inner voice who insists she is the voice of TRUTH?

I find stuff to eat without gluten (if you look in the dictionary under healthy food, you’ll see a picture of the food at Kripalu), I find people like me to talk to. Nobody minds my laugh as much as my daughter. Sometimes I make a real lasting friend (or two). And most of all, I reconnect with myself and twenty pounds of nonsense bullshit thoughts drop away and I remember “I am alive! It’s good to be alive! I can choose a life I love!”

And you know what? You get to do as much or as little sharing, participating and changing as you feel comfortable.

I am all about comfort and safety!

Why Kripalu?

• Because the place rocks the house.
• The vibe is amazing.
• And the food! I love the food (and if you are worried about getting your coffee or chocolate, they have a little café where you can buy both).
• The massage services -  oh so good!
• The grounds, the lake, eating outside on the terrace!
• Did I mention the vibe?

I teach at Kripalu (and make less money) because the environment is utterly conducive to you experiencing self-love. You are immersed in healthy comfort at every moment and you remember “Oh yes, there is another way to live, and it is possible!”

The main take-away for you?

If you want a playful, light, loving and deeply practical exploration of what twist you into an aching pretzel of stress and fear, come retreat with me.

If you want to shift your relationship to busyness and exhaustion and taking care of others, join me.

If you are ready to truly feel brighter, lighter, and more loving toward yourself, come.

Grab it While you Can

I know money is tight.
It is for me, too.
And yet, as I actively work to transform the doom and gloom tightening around me into hope and joy, I’m finding the very best antidote is self-care and self-love.

Doh.

To extract myself from a story that the world is ending, I have to remember I am a creator who can move into action and create!

The only way I can remember that, and have the courage to move into action, is when I am practicing and living the attitudes and tools I will teach you at this retreat.

These are the only U.S. retreats I have created for this year to date.

I will not do another week long retreat this year (except the Writer’s Retreat – with the amazing Havi – three spots left.)

Go here to choose from the two retreats and sign up.