Photo by Benimoto

First, a Finding the Good Wish

Wishing you

strength to love the curl of the question mark

around your heart

patience to wait for the stirring of your confusion to reveal

your next leap and

most of all,

the humility to listen to what wants to be heard.

And Now a Thought about Question Marks

We waited two decades for it. Clarrisa Pinkolas Estes, the esteemed author of the ground-breaking “Women Who Run with the Wolves,” is releasing her new work through a series of live classes offered by the amazing Sounds True.

Yes, it took almost twenty years for her next great work. And here is what she said about the gestation period:

What you’ve heard over the years about my having disappeared and gone underground to work and write is true,” says Dr. Estés. “When people ask where the heck I’ve been and why I so seldom come out when called by the “clattering world,” I often respond by saying that one can’t fulfill one’s calling by being called away. Rather one fulfills one’s calling by filling up… by studying, thinking, listening, looking at, living in the layers of life beyond the collective ones. Then . . . one can pour outwardly again.”

When I read Dr. Estes’ words, I started to wonder:

How do you discern between what Seth Godin calls “shipping” – getting the work out the door – and priceless diving-underground-time, away from the clattering world?

The need to fill up is built into the creative life, yet filling up time can so easily slip into not creating because you aren’t “ready.”

On the other hand, not taking time to fill up can leave you creatively bankrupt.

But how can you take time off? People around you are “shipping” everyday. They are creating so many cool partnerships and products and making millions.

And anyway, you need to post on your blog, on Twitter, and on Facebook.

So where would the time and space to fill up come from? You’ll be left behind!

So, is it time to ship or time to fill up? And how do you know?

What I do: If there is question mark curled around  my heart, I ask it if it wants to ship or go underground.

I turn to a community of honest peeps to help me see if I am hiding rather than filling up underground.

What about you? How do you know whether it’s time to retreat and rest, or if it’s time to ship? Please comment as this is dear to my question marked heart and I would really like your input, questions, and ideas.

On Saturday’s retreat, we coupled “I am here” with all kinds of experiences: yoga (lead by the wonderful Brandie Werner), feeling into our feet, back, hands, head and heart (also known as centering), visualization, we even said it while savoring chocolate.

I am here.

This itty-itchy phrase wakes me up with a firm tap on my pay attention chakra.

I am here.  Suddenly, wherever I am (on a plane as I write this) snaps into being.

I am aware of the chair supporting my back, my sore hip, the taste of coleslaw from dinner, the family speaking Vietnamese across the aisle, flickering images of The Office on the monitor.

I’m here. This is my life. I chose this.

I choose this.

And yes, sometimes the thought follows, “Shit, I’m here. I’m here, sitting in this tiny airline seat, my hip hurting, unable to sleep, wishing I were home already, dreading the wait for the ferry.”

But mostly, you know what happens when I declare, “I am here”?

A big whompin holy shit wow.

This is my life. This is what I’m happening right now. This precious moment.

I’m like the main character in Precious, when her teacher asks her how it feels to talk in class, and she says, “Like I’m here.”

Showing up, claiming it, even when it scares the beejuz out of me.

Which it does, about 80% of the time.

What about you? How do you claim this life? What helps you actually show up?

There is an emptiness that comes to me when I am finished leading a retreat.

A scrubbed out-ness. Hollowed out. Pumpkin after scraping before carving.

It’s an odd feeling, not bad at all, but if I don’t ground myself, and have a lot of awareness, I start pounding chocolate.

I wish I could sum up the magic of the Virtual Retreat

But I’m not good at summing things. Humming yes, summing not so much.

I throw myself into the moment of teaching and then I wonder, ‘What can I say about what I just did?”

Last year, when Havi Brooks was my guest at the Writer’s Retreat (she is again this year and there are few spots open and early bird price was supposed to go away yesterday so hurry and that might be a run on sentence).

So anyway, not good at summing up.

I could quote from some of the hundreds of blog posts on the Virtual Retreat blog but what would that tell you?

That people had a wonderful experience.

That people faced into their fears.

That people touched their essential goodness.

Is that enough of a summary?

In my hollowed out-ness, I started to despair at writing a blog post and then Jenzie posted this at the Comfort Cafe (yeah for the Cafe and Jenzie!) and I thought, “Virtual Retreat Essential Distilled Beautifully Summed up Wisdom! Just what I need to choose my life this week.”

So here is Jenzie’s wonderful summary:

How can I put the pieces of my life together into an abundant yet peaceful whole?

What do I yearn for, what do I truly desire, right now?

I am not all things … yet I am enough.

I tend to my peaceful perspective, as I would tend a garden or a child.

I pay attention to life’s transitions, small as well as large.

Gently bringing myself back: sweetheart, we’re doing just one thing at a time now.

Find and use a compass that leads me back to my true self.

The first time something extraordinary happens, we call it a miracle. Yet if it continues, we begin to regard it as ordinary! Reclaim the miraculous in the bowl of cheerios…

I am not broken, and I do not need to be fixed.

I am open to the voice of the sacred, in everyday life as well as in transcendence.

When do I feel most myself?

What would I love my life to be like?

I instinctively know what I need to thrive.

I am.

Who is it who notices my body, my thoughts, and yet is not contained by them?

Live more. Forgive yourself. Begin again.

Just shift direction by one degree… and in six months, I’ll be somewhere entirely different than I would have been otherwise.

Listen for the inner voice of self love.

Be the little girl who can do anything.

Grow wild and wooly before you prune.

Focus on what’s really essential and true.

Stop thinking about time, instead think about energy and flow.

Be fully committed to and fully present with whatever you’re doing, right now.

Get underneath the joy … and the fear … from there comes inspired, grounded action.

Act as if what I truly want is already here.

That which I avoid is an energy drain … and the longer I avoid, the stronger the drain.

What is the simplest action?

Learn to distinguish the practical-sounding voice of fear from my true loving voice.

I am more than my history, more than my degrees, more than my checkbook, more than my stories.

I am not all things … yet I am enough.

What one bit will you use to light your way this week?

Thanks to Deb, Meredith, and the amazing teachers and hundreds of people who retreated this weekend. More kudos coming must go shower and get on a plane.

These wise folks said things like “You help women be effective in the world” and “Comfort is a quality of the Divine, it’s the foundation” and “If it’s killing me, then it’s killing the world.”

Wow. Okay. YES!

And then this one:

Women get into a cycle of depletion and they’re afraid to step out of it, because then they would be freed up to actually take action on what they really want. They are positive they won’t be able to create their heart’s desire. So they stay busy or scattered or overcommitted so they never have to try.”

This one landed like a slap across my face.

I do this!

I hate to admit it but I do.

See I have an ancient, crusty legacy of shame around my creative work.

I have an old stinky story of being a failure.

A public failure.

The stinky shame dates from when I did an Edith Ann impression (a Lily Tomlin character for those of you too young to remember) on stage in front of my whole school and you could see my breasts through my white shirt and I got heckled.

I think high beams were mentioned.

I was in 5th grade.

Did I mention it was in front of the whole school?

I’ve got a lot of stories like that – stories of wildly creative out-going kind-of-loud Jen launching herself at the world and things not. Always. Going. So. Well.

What creative person doesn’t have these stories, right?

I’m 47 now and I’ve done a ton of healing around this and even let my desire to murder my 7th grade English teacher go (that’s another story).

Only I didn’t see until now that

when my creative shame  gets triggered, I kick off a depletion cycle to end all depletion cycles.

It’s like I want to prove I’m a untalented goof and so I exhaust myself by launching too many projects, hiring the wrong folk, miring myself in endless details that do need to get done (thank you very much) but I suck at details so that makes me feel more ashamed plus there is no time for real creative work which would restore my sanity.

But I’m afraid to stop the cycle because then I’ll have the time to replenish and do creative work but what if it sucks again?  Better to stay busy!

Stunningly diabolical!

Michele said, “Women are ashamed to need comfort and support and love to be able to thrive.”

I would add, “We have to build the trust and heal the shame that tells us that if we get comfort and rest and ease, we’d better by damn prove we were worth it.”

So this week I’ll be loving watching my story that depletion is the punishment for being a failure, and must be maintained to keep future failure at bay.

What about you? Is depletion the story of your life these days? If so, maybe it’s just because life is crazy busy and soon you will get some time to rest, maybe a retreat?

Or are you caught in a washing machine of depletion and you feel like you can never get out?

If so, tell me more! Me thinks this could be juicy conversation.

The surprising part is that even though you know you need to, you don’t do it. And if you do, you might be missing a key distinction that can make all the difference in your ability to actually hear your “you.”

Oh, do allow me to explain.

The first part of tuning into your essence – that “I” that you can then express and share with the world – is to become intimate with your own desires, opinions, and feelings.

To do that, make a habit of asking yourself what you really want.

As in, when faced with a choice, ask yourself, “What do I want?”

You make think you do this now — but are you really listening to the answer?

You may not be able to have it, but wouldn’t it be wonderful to know what was on your wish list before you told yourself “No?”

Getting familiar with your desires is a huge (and delightful!) way to get to know who you are.*

However, there is another distinction.

The big key to inhabiting and sharing the authentic magic you recognize in others, and so want to experience – and express – for yourself is…

Go Into the Mystery – With No Agenda

This is the crucial part of asking yourself who you are and what you wish to express.

Of course, most of us skip it, usually without knowing it. Does this sound familiar?

You either don’t make time to listen to these tender signals, or sometimes you listen, but you immediately insist that those signals provide a road map for action, preferably one that will “attract abundance” and love and make us very unique and special and forever loved and safe, Amen.

When you put this kind of pressure on your longings, even though you do it from a place of great sincerity and true need, you squelch the signals of authenticity.

You change them before they can even be heard. What is yours to express gets turned into something else – what you think you need it to be to get you the love and attention crave out there.

Let’s stop this – right now – together.

Make a commitment to tend your yearning, the mysterious desire to express your truth that has been given to you.

What in the hell do I mean by that?

Go someplace safe and distraction free – if that means the back of your closet with earplugs, so be it.

Acknowledge that you have a deep, universal need for appreciation, for love, for self-expression.

Spend a few moments letting yourself have these basic human yearnings – this may bring tears, waves of joy, or simply a head nodding.

If it feels right, ask whatever you name as Larger than You (some might call this the Divine, God, Goddess, nature, Big Mind) and let your heart, your being, ask for these human needs to be filled. Accept what you need.

Now, lean into the part of you that yearns to express something. Instead of looking for this with your head, scan your body.

Where does the yearning to express what is yours live?

Get as curious and attentive to what you sense as you would to a new lover.

You know how it is when you are falling in love – you can’t get enough of the other person. Nothing gets in your way of spending time with him or her. You certainly do not try to turn them into someone different (that comes later, when they forget to feed the dogs or put gas in the car!).

Listen and revel in every bit of sensory input sent your way. Nothing can drag your attention away. There is a lightness too, a feeling of joyful “How amazing!”

See if there is a weight or temperature or color or shape or a sound associated with this spot. If ideas come, record those but keep putting your attention on tending the yearning without trying to turn it into something or forcing it to take shape.

Here’s how I stated my “yearning tending” in my journal:

There is a yearning inside me. It’s brightly colored – purple and pink and it has a psychedelic flower shape. I don’t know what form it wants to express itself as yet. I make a whole-hearted fierce commitment to be with it daily as it is.”

I ask it each night before I go to bed, “What tending do you need tomorrow?”

What tending does your yearning want and need?

I’d love to know and be able to help you tend that yearning by holding the space for you.

Part three in this series: The Signal Raising Power of Permission

Missed part one of this series? Get your Static Free Authenticity here.

*If the idea of asking and listening appeals to you, you might like delving into the subject in more depth. I wrote The Life Organizer and my upcoming Virtual Retreat (Feb. 12th-14th) is going to be a lot about doing just this!