As a child, I remember many a summer evening, lounging on the floor of my uncle Walter’s house in Bedford, Indiana, listening to my dad and Walter and Uncle Pryce talk business.

No. Not talk, pontificate. Extol. Preach.

The theme was always the same: be in business for yourself. Business was god. With a small g.

But still, god. (Yes, we went to church, too.)

When I got my first job out of film school, as an assistant to a literary agent in LA, my dad said, “Why did you get a job? I thought you wanted to be a writer?“

Oh no, Dad was not a patron of the arts. He believed that I would make more money working for myself than working for the Man.

My Dad did not have in his possession the statistics that most writers earn poop.

This week I feel like I returned to my family roots by writing about being self-employed.

It may be a new direction for me, working with self-employed women (and maybe men, I like men, I live with two of them and they are very lovely) around the inner work of being self-employed.

I’m feeling such a nice tickling about this idea.

In the meantime, in case you missed them, here are some great things to know about – not just for the self-employed.

Swooning

I’ve only been reading Danielle LaPorte for a few months. Oh the grief over all the juicy good I have missed. She’s sexy, truthful and loving. Good stuff.

Swigging Tequila

I sometimes paint myself into a corner with my writing, feeling I have to be serious or comforting or… Why do I tell myself that? That’s a topic for another post.

I love reading the very naughty Naomi Dunford’s very very very popular blog.

(I wrote a guest post this week. I don’t really swig tequila. It’s a metaphor. Or a joke. Or both. )

Admitting Mistakes

I’m putting on the Big Virtual Retreat next week. I made some marketing mistakes promoting it. I feel bad about them. Here is where I talk with the uber smart and very grounded Dave Navarro about what I learned doing this project.

Do I really make these faces?

You know Molly Gordon’s brilliance, right? If not, you are missing out big time.  I made a video blog post for her and you have to got to see the very odd expression the video froze on.  I laughed out loud when I clicked over.

Everybody loves Christine!

Christine Kane and I met when we did an event together a few years back. I fell in love with her immediately, everybody does. But what has made me sit up and take notice is how she has gone from struggling artist to paying off her mortgage!  Read my post about depletion, and learn more about the amazing Ms. Kane!

Hungry Ghosts, Part 2

Where the sexy sharp ass Jennifer Howard tells you how everything is really going to be alright. This woman has a brain and half. Plus she’s intuitive! Plus she’s really really cool.

I hope all these goodies help you remember that life is a wondrous game for playing and failure is just another label.

Related posts:

1. The Dark Side
2. Am I in the Business of Self-Improvement?
3. Comfort During Fearful Times: Fear Reflects How Much You Care

These wise folks said things like “You help women be effective in the world” and “Comfort is a quality of the Divine, it’s the foundation” and “If it’s killing me, then it’s killing the world.”

Wow. Okay. YES!

And then this one:

Women get into a cycle of depletion and they’re afraid to step out of it, because then they would be freed up to actually take action on what they really want. They are positive they won’t be able to create their heart’s desire. So they stay busy or scattered or overcommitted so they never have to try.”

This one landed like a slap across my face.

I do this!

I hate to admit it but I do.

See I have an ancient, crusty legacy of shame around my creative work.

I have an old stinky story of being a failure.

A public failure.

The stinky shame dates from when I did an Edith Ann impression (a Lily Tomlin character for those of you too young to remember) on stage in front of my whole school and you could see my breasts through my white shirt and I got heckled.

I think high beams were mentioned.

I was in 5th grade.

Did I mention it was in front of the whole school?

I’ve got a lot of stories like that – stories of wildly creative out-going kind-of-loud Jen launching herself at the world and things not. Always. Going. So. Well.

What creative person doesn’t have these stories, right?

I’m 47 now and I’ve done a ton of healing around this and even let my desire to murder my 7th grade English teacher go (that’s another story).

Only I didn’t see until now that

when my creative shame  gets triggered, I kick off a depletion cycle to end all depletion cycles.

It’s like I want to prove I’m a untalented goof and so I exhaust myself by launching too many projects, hiring the wrong folk, miring myself in endless details that do need to get done (thank you very much) but I suck at details so that makes me feel more ashamed plus there is no time for real creative work which would restore my sanity.

But I’m afraid to stop the cycle because then I’ll have the time to replenish and do creative work but what if it sucks again?  Better to stay busy!

Stunningly diabolical!

Michele said, “Women are ashamed to need comfort and support and love to be able to thrive.”

I would add, “We have to build the trust and heal the shame that tells us that if we get comfort and rest and ease, we’d better by damn prove we were worth it.”

So this week I’ll be loving watching my story that depletion is the punishment for being a failure, and must be maintained to keep future failure at bay.

What about you? Is depletion the story of your life these days? If so, maybe it’s just because life is crazy busy and soon you will get some time to rest, maybe a retreat?

Or are you caught in a washing machine of depletion and you feel like you can never get out?

If so, tell me more! Me thinks this could be juicy conversation.

Related posts:

1. Choose Your Life Mondays #20
2. Choose Your Life Mondays #29
3. Choose Your Life Mondays – The UnGrind Edition

Ever feel like you are pushing and shoving and basically grinding the gears of your soul to get through the day?

Like you’re trying so hard all the time - to get clients, to be a better parent, to lose weight, to be a kinder person…

And you know something is not quite working because your jaw is clenched and you’re tired all the time and you certainly are not enjoying the process.

I’m not going to tell you to make a vision map or visualize your perfect life or think good thoughts.

Because when you are already in danger of burning out your heart’s clutch, more effort will not help.

Here’s what will:

Go into your sensations.

Do this with me right now:

Exhale and listen to what clutch-popping, hard-trying, soul-grinding “Why-is-it-easier-for-her?” thoughts you’re having.  Listen for just a moment.

Now drop below those thoughts and notice what you are feeling in your body right now.

Drop into your body and notice the sensations under the thoughts.

After a moment, you’ll notice one area of your body has more sensation or more energy or tension. Even pain.  Focus your attention there.

Lately, for me, it’s been my throat. I’ll notice I’m comparing myself to someone else or feeling like I’m not getting enough done, and then I drop below that thought, and there is this restricted, tight, choking feeling in my throat.

Go into the sensation you found  – not to change it or label it or even think about – forget thinking.

Simply be fully curious about the sensation.

Experience it.

Watch it, feel it with your whole being.

When thoughts come like “This is stupid” or “I’m not doing it right” or “I need to check Twitter,” stay with the sensation. Keep watching it and feeling it, like it was the best massage or most fascinating movie ever.

The most amazing thing will happen.

The sensation will move.

It will uncoil, relax, expand… In some way, it will shift.

You’ll probably let out a big sigh and you’ll feel different.

Maybe freer. More spacious. More trusting.

More able to be who you are, to accept this moment as your life.

Afterward, you can ask yourself, “What would I love to do next?“  (A question I learned from Michael Neill).

Or just go about your day and then, the next time nasty, grinding self-meanness assaults you, pause, tell your critic to take a hike, dive below the thought into the sensation, and watch it, be with it, follow it, and see what happens.

This practice has changed my life.

I do it many times a day.

It works because it brings you into life.

Out of your smart but very Squirrel-like mind and into this moment, where life is actually lived.

It somehow unwinds the stories and opens your heart.

It’s not always easy or pleasant but it’s very, very worth it.

Try it and tell me how it goes. And feel free to ask questions in the comments.

This is the sort of stuff I’ll teach at my one day retreats around the country. If you think, “Wow, that stirs something in me, join me.  This is profound self-care.

Related posts:

1. Choose Your Life Mondays #30
2. Choose Your Life Mondays #7
3. Choose Your Life Mondays #20

You know retreats rule.

(At least, I hope you do. If not, trust me on this one.)

They put the sparkle back in the diamonds on the souls of your shoes (sorry, been listening to a lot of Paul Simon lately).

They give you a path back to the spring that burbles at the heart of your soul (wow, lots of purple prose today).

They free you from Squirrel Mind and grinding marching to-do blahs.

They wake you up “Oh yes, this is who I am and this is what matters to me! How could I forget?”

Retreats heal.

Only hitch is, it sometimes often feels just about impossible to make the time.

And when you do, it can (at least this is true for me and I wrote the damn book!) be scary to go within, to calm the Squirrel chatter in your mind and choose what will renew you.

So that’s why I created the 2nd annual Big Virtual Retreat with a bunch of very wise teachers.

And

This contest so you can win a chance to retreat.

Because some of us, we need to be smote by chance before we actually take the time to get what we need.

Here’s your chance to be smote by ole Lady Retreating Luck (a little known Jungian archetype).

To enter simply leave a comment (or if you want extra brownie points – leave a link to a video you  made) telling me why a retreat would be just the thing for you right now.

Or tell me why you can’t retreat.

Or how retreats have been healing for you.

I’m open to anything!

I’ll read your comments, and watch your videos and announce the winners on February 1, 2009

But Wait, there are Prizes (but of course):

First Prize:

An I-pod Nano filled with all the recordings from last year’s virtual retreat and this year’s retreat. This is a one-of-a-kind prize (that will mean I have to order a nano, find all the sessions, download them, write you a note, and put it the mail – so this is a BIG DAMN PRIZE DAMMIT).

You will be able to mix and match the 14 recordings from the 2009 retreat and the 12 recordings from this year’s retreat to create mini-retreats any time that you choose.

How cool is that?

Second Prize:

A seat at this year’s virtual retreat – including transcripts and audio recordings and e-book and live support during the weekend and all the good global vibes of hundreds of people getting the retreat vibe going at the same time.

Also known as the No-More-Excuses-to-Get-What-I-Need-Prize.

Entries will be judged on creativity and need and I’ll want to chose every last one of you and I’ll lose sleep but you know what?

If it convinces a few more of you to take a retreat — this one or anyone – it will be worth .

So, tell me your story and let’s all get smote.

The deadline for entries is January 22, 2009

Related posts:

1. Seek Thee Stories of Creative Agency
2. Choose Your Life Mondays – the Wednesday Virtual Retreat Version
3. Creating Your Own Retreat

If I read another blog post that tells me to just “be myself,” I might have to yank myself bald.

“Being yourself,” “being authentic” is now the Holy Grail, the solution to all our challenges, whether you want to sell a book, get customers, or find your perfect partner.

As if it’s that easy to know who your “self” is, or to be authentic – let alone how to express that authenticity to the big ole’ world.

What makes you “you” can feel like a radio signal that comes and goes.

Sometimes it’s sharp and vibrant, and other times it’s lost in the static of comparisons, other people’s voices, exhaustion, and more.

You see a shade of palest yellow and your heart sings, then in the next moment you have no idea what you want to do with the rest of your life, let alone what you want for dinner.

If it were so easy to “be yourself,” you would have figured it out a long time ago. After all, you’ve probably been getting – and giving – this advice since grade school.

But Mom, what if they don’t like me?”

Oh honey, just be yourself.”

Even then we knew it wasn’t that easy – and even if we were “ourselves,” it didn’t mean the world would reward us.

So what’s a creative, aware soul to do?

How do you tune down the static of your mind and turn up the song of your soul, the boogie of your heart, the mojo of your mystery?

I have a few humble suggestions to share in this series of blog posts and, God willing and the creek don’t rise, a little e-book giveaway I’m working away on.

Let’s start with…

Humble suggestion number one: Turn off Everyone Else’s Broadcast

When it feels too hard to hear you among all the other yous out there, you aren’t suffering from multiple personality disorder, but you may need an Internet fish bowl break.

I say “fish bowl” because everyone’s voices and big plans and ideas can create a sort of invisible fish bowl that hems you in – without you necessarily noticing it.

The Internet’s intimacy and fecundity can make it hard to hear what is truly yours to say and express.

Consider this common scenario: You’re trying to express something – what’s bugging you about your marriage, what you need for a self-nurturing break, the images for a poem formulating in your mind – and having a hard time putting your thoughts and feelings into words.

The Self-Doubts start a-chattering:

You don’t know what you’re talking about.

You want too much.

You don’t deserve that.

You don’t have time.

You shouldn’t be wasting time on this.

You’ll never get it anyway

and suddenly, you feel an irresistible urge to check email or visit Twitter or surf the net “just for a minute.”

You can’t stand the discomfort of going within to find your own answers, or the fear of not knowing, so you distract yourself.

Before you know it, you’re reading a blog post that tells you what you must do to make your writing better or you’re watching a video about a business owner’s incredible success or you are being pitched THE system that will solve your relationship woes and without even knowing it, that becomes more real to you, more credible, than your nascent, tender soul yearnings.

You might think, “I’ll take that advice, and then I will be okay.”

Or “She’s said everything I wanted to say on the subject of tango knitting, what’s the point?”

Or “I could never make as much money as she did so I’m going to go eat a pan of brownies.”

It’s not the advice or the success stories or even the marketing messages that are the issue. It’s when and how they come into your awareness that can cause serious static.

Creating and expressing your “I” – your mysterious mojo that only you have – has always been a difficult, life-long birthing process.  That’s what it means to be human!

But before the Internet, when you were struggling, you might have called one friend to talk about it.  You didn’t have so many comparisons and other voices beaming straight into your head at all hours of the day or night.

It’s like a Greek chorus of disapproving, Martha Stewart perfectionists, all just waiting to tell you that you can never be good enough, smart enough, unique enough – so why try?

Here is some very good news:  Lots and lots of people are too afraid to listen, to go inside and find out who that “I” is.  You may be just as afraid, but you keep listening.  And that makes all the difference.

You keep listening to the itch in your heart. That’s the most important thing that has to keep happening.

It’s not about scratching the itch, it’s about itching. Because it’s the itching that will lead you right to yourself – your true, authentic, never-to-be-duplicated lovely self.

Okay, here is the practical suggestion part of the post:

Notice when you go to the Internet – is it when you are struggling to know what you think, want, or wish to express?   Do you go looking for information to tell you the “right way” or what so-and-so thinks?  If so, it doesn’t mean you’re an empty vessel without an original thought! Our brains always choose the easiest path.

The Internet gives you a very easy way to avoid doing the aching, soul-chafing work, so that’s where your brain goes first. It’s completely natural and understandable. Your brain says, Why hack your way through the thicket of hedges using a dull machete when you can take the path forged by someone else? It’s your job to notice when this is happening and take note.

Next, when you’re on the information hunt, especially from the Internet, ask yourself, “Why? What am I looking for? What am I hoping to learn?”

Do you just “know” that there’s a particular blog or e-zine or forum where, if you don’t read it or comment, you will be “left out,” consider taking a break for one week.  Notice if you can hear yourself more clearly in the space you’ve created.

Notice how the blogs and e-zines and Yahoo lists and people you follow on Facebook or Twitter make you feel.  Drop the ones that make you feel static-filled or “less than.”

Here’s an idea for the very radical among us: Go offline for a weekend or, even better, a week. If you couple this unplugged time with a retreat focused on listening to your voice and honoring it, I guarantee you’ll experience a huge breakthrough in identifying your authentic voice.

How do you find  your authenticity? I’d love to hear your thoughts and what you try!

Next post: Tuning into your Essence

Related posts:

1. Static-free Authenticity
2. Comfort Cafe Nibbles – Free the Girdles
3. Ovaries Got Free