Comfort Queen » self-love

The Farm Fantasy Complete with Yurt

Jennifer — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 15:31:40 +0000

I was hanging with another self-employed coach/ writer / speaker friend this past week and we were both having a horrible no-good very bad day.

You know, one of those days in which you wonder, “What is it I do?” And you bemoan not becoming a nuclear physicist because at least they know how to split atoms.

One of those days in which all your plans, which just a moment ago were so shiny and promising, suddenly resemble false fronts on a movie set.

One of those days when you calculate how little money you can live on.

Otherwise known as a farm-fantasy day. Or move-to-the-ashram day. Or find-a-cozy-cave-in-Greece day.

You are going to give it all up for the simple life.

Give up the struggle, the effort, the bustle, the doing, whatever it is that feels so hard right now.

Yurts are always part of this fantasy. As well as spaciousness and time to do what you want. Shelling peas also shows up for me, not sure why.

There is a desire for wholeness and rest in the farm fantasy – you want to heed that.

There is also a desire to be rescued, to not have to be a grown up anymore – you don’t want to heed that.

Hold the desire for spaciousness, living a hand-crafted life, retreats and renewal in one hand and

in the other,

hold the exhilarating, humbling truth that choosing your life is damn hard work, putting yourself out there takes a huge amount of courage (whether selling your paintings or putting up a profile on Match.com), not to mention brain glucose, and being conscious,in general, is rewarding, sure, but also very, very taxing.

Farm fantasies are fun as long as you don’t confuse them with finally being safe. Finally being enough.

Watch a BBC period drama, read a historical novel, churn some butter and get back to putting one foot in front of the other. You aren’t doing anything wrong – it’s hard, it’s scary, and you are so not alone.

P.S. Non-farm fantasy retreat this weekend at Kripalu with me. You get to give up the struggle while staying awake. That’s good stuff.

P.P.S. Links: Living a hand-crafted life, retreats and renewal, enough.

Choose Your Life Mondays – The Holiday Prep Edition

Jennifer — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 07:01:24 +0000

I’ve been doing Choose Your Life Monday posts for awhile now. I’ve blogged about being aware of various patterns, I’ve shared Life Organizer questions, and now I’m doing this post a bit differently.

Over the years, I’ve had a rocky relationship with holidays.

Celebrating the solstice by lighting candles in all the windows then going for a walk in the dark and talking about what had brought us light during the year, then coming back to our house blazing with light and reading solstice stories aloud and drinking warm beverages – yum!

I adored making magic for Lilly when she was little – putting out cookies and milk for Santa and then taking a bite of the cookies after she was in bed thrilled me more than her.

But death (Dad) and teenagers and divorce and new families make everything so different.

I am good at stating the obvious, aren’t I?

In the face of all this change, I find wanting to collapse and not do anything.

I find myself wanting to whine that things aren’t the same.

I find myself being drawn into blech land.

Hiding behind work and being a crappy shopper and various other stories so I hide.

I don’t engage.

Whoa!

I don’t think so, sweetie.

That is such an old, dead response.

Let’s try something better.

Instead, I gently ground my energy and turn toward my feelings of sadness and disappointment and grief… hello feelings. No, I’m not interested in what-ifs and wishes- I’m staying with my feelings… ah, such tenderness, such sadness, such longing, such gratitude… breathe…. stay here with the feelings…

Big big breath, so big I feel my ribs creak…. energy spills up and out my head….

Descending, grounding… being…

Resting…

A deep still spaciousness fills me…

I remember, “Oh right, I can choose how I want to do the holidays.”

I see how much of my suffering lives in me.

Which means I get to choose what experience I want to have this year!

Oh holy mistletoe, Batman! Now that is good news.

And what has also been helpful to me is…

Comfort Cafe Holiday Helpful Suggestions

We’ve been sharing ways to make the holidays more meaningful and saner at the Simpler Holiday forum. I thought you might enjoy reading some of the treasure trove of ideas to help you see new possibilities for your holidays, too!

A few of the intriguing suggestions:

Our idea for simplifying was having a pajama day Christmas day …new jammies of course!
–Pauline

….One of my main simplify themes these past years has been to do “recycled giving”… finding items that I cherish but am ready to let go to someone else. I love how recycled giving brings out my creativity at the same time it helps me work on non-attachment to “things” …the gift has to really be a match, so it also tunes me into the whole reason for giving. What would this person most love to receive, and do I have something to give that would bring delight? The best gifts are usually those that tug at my heartstrings because a part of me is not “quite ready” to give them away.
–Sora

Starting on Thanksgiving I am going to do the 29-Day Giving Challenge. It was started by a woman who had MS, and she says it cured it. My sister is the marketing director of a mall, and last year they did a Senior Angel tree. She said the seniors asked for so little, mostly toiletries like nice soap or after shave. So almost everyone also gave extra stuff like cookies, candy, warm slippers, etc. The seniors were thrilled. I would like to do something like that. I find helping other people gives me a lift. This year it will probably be more important than ever to help other people.
–Gayle O

The nicest thing we do is drape a purple silk cloth over the windowsill and stick a “path” of 24 golden stars (like teachers use) leading up to the stable/ manger. Each evening we light a candle, move Mary and the Donkey (from Nativity Scene) one step (or star) closer to the stable and sing the carol “Little Donkey.” Now that is truly magical.
–Betty

What do you do to make the holidays more light filled? I’d love to hear. And if you are a member of the Comfort Cafe, come on by the Simpler Holiday forum and add your ideas.

Choose Your Life Mondays – The Birthday Edition

Jennifer — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 07:01:16 +0000

I’ve been doing Choose Your Life Monday posts for awhile now. I like spending a bit of time on Sundays thinking about how I want to choose my life in the next week and discussing that with you.

Over the course of Choose Your Life Mondays, I’ve blogged about being aware of various patterns, I’ve shared Life Organizer questions, and today, I’m in the mood to do something a bit different.

It’s my birthday.

47. Forty-seven. That’s four decades and then you throw in seven odd years, add a little sale, and bake until tender.

What’s that in dog years?

That’s okay. Really. Don’t do the math. Step away from the calculator.

On my birthday, I always imagine I will reflect on the past year – all the goodness and love, and what I’d like to let go of and forgive myself and others for- and then I’ll make a bright and shiny plan of what I want to create in my new year.

But you know what?

I never actually do that.

Because the part of me that is still about eight years old rule my birthdays.

And that eight year old? She likes to do what she wants to do.

Which will include writing, talking on the phone, kissing Bob, eating lobster and drinking champagne, hugging my daughter, walking in the woods with the doodle dogs, certainly some truly yummy dessert… you know what?

My birthday doesn’t feel very different than most of my days.

Except the lobster and champagne part.

And that, my dear friend, is a very good thing.

What about your day today is as sparkly and precious as a one of kind birth day?

I bet a lot.

Comfort Cafe Nibbles – Free the Girdles

Jennifer — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 07:01:24 +0000

An occasional series in which I honor the wisdom of the gals at my Comfort Cafe, my membership website where we explore how being kind to ourselves can transform our lives, moment by moment, simple action by simple action.

This month at the Comfort Cafe, we’ve been talking about “What is self-care for me, right now? What does that mean to me?”

This is really, really key question to ask because self-care is one of those fuzzy concepts that can turn into a should and, paradoxically, a way to feel less good about ourselves.

As in, “I’m not taking good care of myself and that’s why I got sick.”

As in, “If I could only balance my life, then I would feel safe and sane and peaceful.”

As in, “If I could just be nicer to myself, I could finally express my creative mo-jo and feel fabulous, forever and ever.”

As I’ve said before, self-care can be like a girdle, an idealized shape that we try to fit into, cutting off parts of ourselves in the process.

Self-care can become another way to not be present.

The whole self-care thing can end up feeling like more work – and guilt – that it’s worth.

NO! That’s a big fat lie!

Let’s reclaim this vital idea.

Check out a few of the brilliant responses Comfort Cafe gals shared with each other this month.

Let their ideas inspire you.

Then add your own definitions in the comment section.

Together, we can do a real service for each other, inspiring a living, breathing personal knowing of what it means to take care of our selves – and our souls.

Free from shoulds and girdles!

Self care is… following my own inner rhythm, being in touch with my authentic self, consciously sending out love to the world, breathing deep and mindfully, stretching into the hardness, meditating, walking, witnessing my feelings.”

Before this month, self care to me was sleeping, eating well, exercising, and going to the doctor when I need to. But after ‘studying’ here at the Cafe, I think it includes taking care of myself emotionally and spiritually as well. It may even start with trying to be brutally honest about what I really need and not telling myself stories. Hmmmmmm…”

Self care is accepting who I am and what I can do in any given moment, even when — no, especially when that’s less than my “best”. Like the Belleruth Naparstek quote I’ve seen here recently: ”I accept that there are times when I may feel worried, pressured, angry, or sad — and I accept that as my inner truth of the moment.” Self care is being utterly and mindfully me, and not trying to be someone I’m not.”

Self Care is what keeps my life working well. Self Care is a Creative and Spiritual practice which allows me to live the life I want to live. Self Care is the most generous action I can take.”

For me, self care is paying attention to what I need in the moment, not pushing it away because it’s inconvenient to listen or the Squirrel is in charge. (Hence my intention to SIT DOWN between household tasks.) Maybe it’s as simple as stretching or drinking a few ounces of water. Even if I can’t give myself whatever it is right then (take a nap while I’m driving, for example), I can plan how to make room for it as soon as I can.”

I would be so honored if you would take a moment to reflect on what self-care is for you, what it looks like, how you define it, and share that with our community.

To the liberating grace of self-kindness!

The Unmet Need of Bright Shiny Objects

Jennifer — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 07:01:58 +0000

If you have followed my newsletter or blog for any length of time, you know I suffer from the Bright Shiny Object syndrome – otherwise known as “love of the new.”

As with most personality / soul things in life, this is both a gift – I love change! I love new ideas! – and an area to grow.

For me, that means learning to go deeper, focusing, staying with one thing even when my ego whines, “But I don’t want to anymore. I want to do something new.”

Also learning to be present and find the newness in on-going projects – while also learning to stop hiding behind busyness or familiar ways of creating that are safe but no longer serve me.

At the Comfort Cafe yesterday, our Wisdomcast guest was the wonderful Cheryl Richardson and I asked her about bright shiny objects.

Listen in on her answer (the volume is low -oh technology!)

Here is what I learned

I may have some unmet needs.

I did not know this.

This feels very intriguing to me.

What could these needs be?

Maybe the need for more play and lightness and new experiences.

Maybe the need for a business plan so I can rest in that knowledge I’m being a good steward of my work.

Maybe the need to value my own contributions and ideas and experience more? (ding, ding, ding!)

Maybe the need for unplugged time away from home to create – like creating a Writer’s Retreat for myself?

Maybe the need for more collaboration in real time with wonderful soulful creative people?

I think there are more, even deeper need. I’ll be reflecting on this in meditation!

Thank you Cheryl for this insight.

How about you? What unmet needs might be fueling your bright shiny object syndrome?

Or perhaps, for you, it’s more about saying yes to things and people when you want to shout no?

What, if anything, tugs at your heart when you think “unmet needs?”

Love to all our fragile hearts!