This month at the Comfort Cafe, we’ve been talking about “What is self-care for me, right now? What does that mean to me?”

This is really, really key question to ask because self-care is one of those fuzzy concepts that can turn into a should and, paradoxically, a way to feel less good about ourselves.

As in, “I’m not taking good care of myself and that’s why I got sick.”

As in, “If I could only balance my life, then I would feel safe and sane and peaceful.”

As in, “If I could just be nicer to myself, I could finally express my creative mo-jo and feel fabulous, forever and ever.”

As I’ve said before, self-care can be like a girdle, an idealized shape that we try to fit into, cutting off parts of ourselves in the process.

Self-care can become another way to not be present.

The whole self-care thing can end up feeling like more work – and guilt – that it’s worth.

NO! That’s a big fat lie!

Let’s reclaim this vital idea.

Check out a few of the brilliant responses Comfort Cafe gals shared with each other this month.

Let their ideas inspire you.

Then add your own definitions in the comment section.

Together, we can do a real service for each other, inspiring a living, breathing personal knowing of what it means to take care of our selves – and our souls.

Free from shoulds and girdles!

Self care is… following my own inner rhythm, being in touch with my authentic self, consciously sending out love to the world, breathing deep and mindfully, stretching into the hardness, meditating, walking, witnessing my feelings.”

Before this month, self care to me was sleeping, eating well, exercising, and going to the doctor when I need to. But after ‘studying’ here at the Cafe, I think it includes taking care of myself emotionally and spiritually as well. It may even start with trying to be brutally honest about what I really need and not telling myself stories. Hmmmmmm…”

Self care is accepting who I am and what I can do in any given moment, even when — no, especially when that’s less than my “best”.  Like the Belleruth Naparstek quote I’ve seen here recently:  ”I accept that there are times when I may feel worried, pressured, angry, or sad — and I accept that as my inner truth of the moment.” Self care is being utterly and mindfully me, and not trying to be someone I’m not.”

Self Care is what keeps my life working well. Self Care is a Creative and Spiritual practice which allows me to live the life I want to live. Self Care is the most generous action I can take.”

For me, self care is paying attention to what I need in the moment, not pushing it away because it’s inconvenient to listen or the Squirrel is in charge. (Hence my intention to SIT DOWN between household tasks.) Maybe it’s as simple as stretching or drinking a few ounces of water. Even if I can’t give myself whatever it is right then (take a nap while I’m driving, for example), I can plan how to make room for it as soon as I can.”

I would be so honored if you would take a moment to reflect on what self-care is for you, what it looks like, how you define it, and share that with our community.

To the liberating grace of self-kindness!

As with most personality / soul things in life, this is both a gift – I love change! I love new ideas! – and an area to grow.

For me, that means learning to go deeper, focusing, staying with one thing even when my ego whines, “But I don’t want to anymore. I want to do something new.”

Also learning to be present and find the newness in on-going projects – while also learning to stop hiding behind busyness or familiar ways of creating that are safe but no longer serve me.

At the Comfort Cafe yesterday, our Wisdomcast guest was the wonderful Cheryl Richardson and I asked her about bright shiny objects.

Listen in on her answer (the volume is low -oh technology!)

Here is what I learned

I may have some unmet needs.

I did not know this.

This feels very intriguing to me.

What could these needs be?

Maybe the need for more play and lightness and new experiences.

Maybe the need for a business plan so I can rest in that knowledge I’m being a good steward of my work.

Maybe the need to value my own contributions and ideas and experience more? (ding, ding, ding!)

Maybe the need for unplugged time away from home to create – like creating a Writer’s Retreat for myself?

Maybe the need for more collaboration in real time with wonderful soulful creative people?

I think there are more, even deeper need. I’ll be reflecting on this in meditation!

Thank you Cheryl for this insight.

How about you? What unmet needs might be fueling your bright shiny object syndrome?

Or perhaps, for you, it’s more about saying yes to things and people when you want to shout no?

What, if anything, tugs at your heart when you think “unmet needs?”

Love to all our fragile hearts!

Plus he’s adorable.

Am I allowed to say that about a venerable shaman?

He gave our small group a glimpse into Nawi Ollin Teotl (Movement of the Four Energies)

and his tradition stretching back centuries.  I found myself imaging what it is like to be part of a family that has held these healing traditions for centuries and centuries.

They even have a special way to greet each other, using their whole bodies.

Makes a handshake look so lame.

He opened our energy centers, we moved our energy, learned about why we need to eat insect eggs and he gave us the very best four questions.

These are golden! Life changing. Happy shaman dance making!

Drum roll please, the four questions:

What am I doing?
What am I thinking?
What am I feeling?
What am I perceiving?

Imagine you are driving down the road.

You’re thinking about your kid / blog / business / novel / lover.

You’re feeling grateful / frustrated / overwhelmed / frustrated /horny (had to throw that last one in).

You’re perceiving… whatever story you are spinning.

Here’s what you want to be doing:

Driving.

Thinking about driving.

Feeling whatever you are feeling while driving.

Perceiving the landscape, other cars, in other words… driving.

You have to try this!

I can’t do justice to the power of these questions.

It’s the more direct way I have found – besides the practice of delight found in Rick’s new book – to arrive here.

When I do it? I have so much more energy! Compassion! Goodness!

I’m all there, as in here, as in right now. All my senses. All my selves. (Hey, good title for a soap opera.)

One Caveat

Sometimes, I want to think about my ideas and projects when I drive because I get sweet and groovy insights.

I don’t always want to think about driving.

So I declare, “I give myself permission to use these questions when I want to be all here. If I don’t, that’s okay, too!”

Because being all present all the time is not always my intention.

My intention is to be aware and to choose.

Try it and tell me what happens!

Sometimes, the pain of being divorced swamps me.

It’s been two and half years.

I’m in love with an incredible man.

My daughter is doing really well.

My ex and I are kind to each other and, these days, seldom tussle over sharing our sweet girl.

And still, there are moments when not being a family with Chris and Lilly feels so unreal that I am pulled down into uncharted gray, a sucking morass of should haves and if onlys, and mostly just a big long noooooooo.

My most recent swamping was triggered by my thoughts at a friend’s 50th birthday party.

Watching the sweet slide show her husband had made of her life – seeing the pictures of Mel and John in their thirties – pierced me.

One of the greatest losses – beside being with my daughter full time – is the unbroken history.

What I find astonishing, and this is my odd ability to hold two opposites at the same time, is how happy I can be that I am building a new history with Bob, how beautifully suited we are to each other  – at the same time – I mourn my shared history with Chris and Lilly.

Sometimes holding both opposites makes me dizzy.

I’m very thankful – hand over my heart grateful – Bob understands.

What I didn’t know before I got divorced is the divorce never ends.

There are new nicks and cuts and severances all the time; the big one is every time I hand Lilly off.

When the sadness swamps me,

I watch my thoughts and feelings and remember they are not me; I nap; I give myself a yoga class (thank God for sobbing during hip openers!); hold Bob; and I put one creative foot in front of the other.

What do you do when you’re swamped by sadness?  How do you take care of yourself?

The Life Organizer Questions for

Week 43

How are my minimum requirements doing these days?

Minimum requirements are from The Life Organizer, and are the activities that keep you in contact with your heart, your truth, and help you be you. (You can get a free audio here that goes into more depth about Minimums).

You certainly don’t always do these activities – but by knowing what they are, you have a way of charting how far from yourself you are moving. They do change – with the seasons, your age, and your desires.

My current minimums are a bit of yoga and meditation and chanting, time outdoors, fun time with Bob, alone time with Lilly, reading the forums at the Comfort Cafe, creative fiction writing, and messing with art stuff.

What secret grace might I offer the world this week?

Leaving a copy of one of my books at the Microsoft women’s conference where I’m speaking on Wednesday with an anonymous wish inside for someone to take it and enjoy!

What one small change might I like to make in what or how I eat this week?

Loving what I am eating these days but not how – could slow down and chew more.

I’m willing to receive:

Ease, health, and new wonderful friendships!

Here’s a pattern I notice when sitting down to write these blogs posts: the pattern of feeling scrambled.

As in who the hell am I?

This is a good pattern but somewhat crazy making.

It’s a pattern created by learning.

By being willing to constantly test who I think I am.

By being so hungry and curious about life.

I love this about myself!

This week’s scrambling is because I spent the weekend listening to the venerable Ane Pema Chodron. There was so much about this weekend to be grateful for, not the least of which is simply being able to partake of such teachings.

How lucky am I to get to explore how to work with my mind?

How lucky are you and I to be able to learn such wise ways to stop feeling unhappy and icky and to be joyful?

(Note to self: remember you are grateful for this when it’s two in the morning and you’re so painfully aware of your mean thoughts about your ex.)

Another wonder of Pema

is how comforting she is. She keeps saying, “It is possible to be free of your neurosis and endless stories. It really is.”

She then says, “I may not be the best role model but really, it is possible.”

And we all laugh and feel comforted.

Because how often do we believe we can never be free? We will always be screwed up.

Always be depressed or wounded or lost or less than or not fit in.

Nope.

Not true.

Of course

Listening to Pema made my whole snarl of around significance and safety and wanting to just get things done so transparent.

Before the retreat, I was thinking how deep and original my pattern was.

How very difficult to unwind.

How significant.

Um, no.

These are all moves I make to avoid stepping into the groundlessness of being, otherwise known as being completely and utterly vulnerable, tenderhearted and without a story.

Being here, without your story to shield you from life.

Being naked like this is true freedom.

As free as my dogs in the car, heads out the window, eyeballs vibrating, ears flying.

Even freer that that.

Tasting that freedom, that nakedness, this weekend, after quite a long time of not tasting it, of being lost in busyness and anxiety, was such a precious reminder of why I do inner work.

Of why I do my work in the world.

Which brings me to this week (in a long winded round about way)

I so want to nurture this experience of freedom – at the same time I’d really rather go pour a big glass of wine and numb out – but I want freedom more – so this week

I will lovingly notice

When I get lost in my fear and anxiety,

I will inhale deeply and exhale long and slow and then look gently and steadily at my fear, and keep dropping my story, whatever that story is in the moment.

This is my committment for this week.

I’d love to hear your comments and what patterns you are working with this week or this month or this lifetime.