“Um, no, that wouldn’t be the point,” I said, suddenly feeling confused and a little sad.

I realized that’s how a lot of us spend our lives – believing, at least on some level, that we must keep a tight rein on ourselves or we will careen out of control and start doing all the things we shouldn’t.

That our base bad nature will take over.

That the only thing that keeps us together is sheer willpower and lots of shoulds.

That we can’t be trusted to do what’s best for ourselves and for those we love.

That we can’t trust ourselves, period.

What I want Freedom from Self-Improvement to invite you to consider is:

Can I trust myself to be who I am?

Can I trust myself to want what I want?

When you have faith that you are, at your core, absolutely innately good and lovable, when you live knowing there is nothing you have to change about yourself to be good, the idea that you need to will yourself to be good becomes almost absurd.

It’s not that you always choose greens over ice cream or count to ten before yelling at your teenager, but that you no longer take your failure as a reason to whip yourself frantically into shape.

You can forgive yourself and, with curiosity and tenderness, wonder what you need to do differently going forward.

Because you don’t have to prove that you’re really, finally, good.

The question of your life becomes more “Does that serve me and those I love?” rather then “How can I improve before the jig is up?”

You can trust yourself to do what’s best for yourself, for those  you love, for the world.

You really can.

Today’s Giveaways

Freedom Coupons

Clever and loving, Freedom from Self-Improvement coupons are a perfect way to spread the word that self-improvement is a big, fat lie. Download your coupons by clicking on the images below!  

Audio from Laura Berman Fortgang

Enjoy this delicious short audio from my wise friend, Laura Berman Fortgang, offering her thoughts on why – and how – to get free.

To save the file to your computer, right-click or option (apple) click on the link, and choose “Safe File As…” or “Save Link As…”

Laura Berman Fortgang audio (time: 5:10)

She’s the bomb. Her newest book is The Little Book of Meaning and it’s the perfect read when you know you are whole and complete.

One Month at the Comfort Cafe

Today, I’m also giving away a free month’s membership at the Comfort Cafe, where we are exploring Freedom From Self-Improvement all month. For a chance to win, comment below on what freedom from self-improvement looks like for you today.

The giveaway is now closed… but your comments are still welcome!

Tomorrow’s giveaways:

• an audio goody from Oriah Mountain Dreamer!
• 20 Ways To Get Free!
• a chance to attend the Delicious Aliveness Mini-Retreat in Seattle on October 10th — yes, for free!

Share in the comments: What does freedom from self-improvement look like for you today?

Related posts:

1. Freedom From Self-Improvement: What is it?
2. Freedom From Self-Improvement
3. Freedom From Self-Improvement

Fankle One – Slum Dog Millionaire Rant

I did not like this movie.

Yes, it’s gorgeously shot and the music is good and there are some good moment and here’s my rant: why in the holy mother of movie gods world would anybody think this movie is uplifting? Manohla Dargis of The New York Times, said the film was “a modern fairy tale,” a “sensory blowout,” and “one of the most upbeat stories about living in hell imaginable.”

She’s not the only person to call this movie upbeat or uplifting.

WTF?

What worries me – really worries me – is that anyone could think that this movie was anything but a) calculating and / or b) an indictment of global capitalism.

The movie is either a big hard poke in the ribs of globalization or a big hard poke at people who want to take what is ugly and make it bright and cheery.

Either way: not uplifting.

By saying a movie like this is “uplifting,” we let ourselves sidestep the impact. If it’s uplifting, who needs to adopt a kid from the slums? If it’s uplifting, who needs to think about the impact more-better-faster is having on those with no choice but to “compete?” If it’s uplifting, we get to walk away thinking, “Oh good for him, he got the money and the girl. Life does work out so neatly when you try hard enough.” Instead of wondering if, by the end, he even cared.

Fankle Two – The Subtle Body

What is subtle energy? I love the idea of it, the experience of it, the possibility of it. From the energy of our heart brain to chakras to energy fields, studying this stuff and using it with coaching clients is powerful stuff. This book is the first encyclopedia of the subtle body – Cyndi Dale maps ping out all the major systems – in a way that is very easy to follow for a casual learned like me. Plus, it’s pretty.

Fankle Three – Kat’s Question

Kat, a member over the Comfort Cafe, asked a question that hasn’t been addressed in our forums so I thought I’d take a spin with it here. We’ve been talking about self-trust and her question is referencing one of The-Not-Quite-So-Daily-Dollop which said:

We live in a society of answers, of experts and advice columns and make-over shows. Without even knowing it, you can begin to believe someone knows better than you how to live your life.

Someone might know a particular something better – like how to bake a three-layer molten coconut chocolate cake or how to talk to your teenager – but nobody else on the planet knows how to live your life or make your choices better than you. (Although one or two people may, indeed, think they do.) 

Today’s Intention: To ask myself first, “What do I know about this?” before I ask someone else.

Kat’s Question:

The idea of asking ourselves first is a good one – yet one I avoid because I don’t want to hear the answer, don’t want to change my approach, don’t want to be patient, etc…

How do I deal with it when I know the answer but don’t want to listen?

Kat, I am so with you!

I can easily fall into a story that stopping to listen to myself will mean I will have to change my life in some big scary way.

I also notice, however, that this story isn’t true.

It isn’t true because I get to choose what I do with what I hear.

I may hear something that scares me or that I’m not ready to do or that I’m not even ready to hear twice… and that’s all okay.

I can take myself by the hand, I can give myself some love, I can tell myself that I can wait…

But what’s not okay with me is not listening to myself in the first place; I will no longer ignore my own wisdom; it might not be right, it might not be time, it might not be easy, but I will grant myself the same love and attention I do to those that I love.

Kat, I want to ask you a few questions,

• How do you know you won’t like what you hear?
• What are you basing that on?
• Have you ever heard something that asked you to make a big change? and
• What self-love and self-kindness or even a tad of self-sweetness would help you feel safe?

Remember, you don’t have to do anything you aren’t ready for but please consider granting yourself the attention you deserve.

Fankle Four – My Daughter is God

She just called me and said, “Jennifer, this is God. No matter who stressed out you’ve been, I want you to know everything will be okay.”

She said this in a low weird God-like voice.

Sweet child o’ mine.

Related posts:

1. Wednesday’s Wiry Fankle #1
2. Self Trust and Wiry Fankles
3. Choose Your Life Mondays – the Wednesday Virtual Retreat Version

(You do subscribe to the newsletter, right? It’s different than the blog – doh)

Anyhoo, one of the Dollops pinged a few pithy reflections and fascinating questions back to me and prompted gears to turn within my snow bound little brain.

The Dollop in question

How Can I Trust Myself Enough to Choose the Path of Self-Kindness?

Self-nurturing is a caramelized topping over a trust brulee. You’ve got to have the trust or you are just left with burnt sugar. Mistrust of past decisions and mistakes can make it easy to believe that burnt sugar is good enough for you. But it isn’t.

Today’s Intention: Exploring the link between self-trust and self-kindness, even if just for a moment.

And Now for The Fascinating Question

Christine wrote:

This one is very thought provoking and complex, Jen. It is so germane to the issues I am struggling with today. I would really appreciate a little elaboration on it – especially the sentence about mistrust of past decisions and whether burnt sugar is good enough. Thanks so much! I adore you, too!”

Adoration right back at you, Christine. Thanks for the berry, berry good question. Here’s what I think I meant (I say think because there is certainly no right answer):

If we nurture ourselves, without being connected to self-kindness, we end up not nurturing ourselves.

Huh?

Without self-kindness, we lack a connection to ourselves and we often end up settling for less than what would truly, really, honest-to-goodness fill us up, soften us, warm us, inspire us. We may settle for what I call shadow comforts or my friend Molly Gordon calls phantom comforts – which just means something that masquerades as self-nurturing, makes us feel less us, less centered, instead of more.

Either way, we end up feeling brittle and frustrated and restless, even cheated.

Why does this happen?

It happens because we aren’t trusting what we really want. We aren’t trusting our instincts, our desires, “the soft animal of our bodies” and that lack of trust is breed and fed by self-judgment, by beating ourselves up for being human (i.e.  highly imperfect and prone to mis-steps and strange detours that, at the time, seemed oh so brilliant).

When we beat ourselves up, we reinforce the idea we’re not to be trusted and we don’t deserve to listen to what we really want.

We move away from our own wisdom, our own desires, from true self-nurturing and toward burnt sugar.

Beating ourselves up leads us away from learning and thus away from trusting our desires and away from the ability to see and choose our own paths

But when we can connect with a bit of self-kindness, a wink or two of self-mercy

We begin to touch into self-trust. We can feel safe enough to take a few moments to discern what we really want, moment-by-moment.

We begin to let life lead us instead of us trying to force life to do what we want.

We develop a level of trust in our instincts and desires, that, while far from perfectly reliable, is deeply affirming and renewing. Truly richly comforting.

Then the whole idea that burnt sugar is good enough for you

- the idea that pleasure is having the cake (or buying the purse or calling the man who broke your heart again or indulging in another three hours of on-line Scrabble) begins to fall away and you experience, with your body and your heart, what truly comforts you, what helps you to be a creator of your own life.

Or as Jill Badonsky says in her utterly delightful new book, The Awe-Manac,

make compassion a hobby. The non-linear practice of moving forward two tiny steps and side ways one stumble is okay. In the long run, this will get you further than the other schemes that 85 percent of give up on because we didn’t do it perfectly or because it was too much too soon”

I await your comments, which are always, incredibly insightful.

Related posts:

1. How Can I Trust Myself Enough to Choose the Path of Self-Kindness?
2. Nurturing Your Projects
3. The Luscious, Nurturing Get Your Writing Done While Laughing Your Butt Off and Maybe Crying a little Too Writer’s Retreat