The holiday family bonanza is winding down. Tonight is our last family dinner for eleven. And may I say, we have all done a great job of meeting and greeting and being patient. And I have done a very fine job of not getting into caught in my story that nobody loves me? Yeah!

In case you missed last week, my intention last week was:

will lovingly notice when I’m feeling like a victim or abandoned. I will simply notice my thoughts and what my body is doing and if I chose, I might speak to myself kindly, I might look for a need of mine I could better meet, I might go outside and watch the wind in the trees

or I might just notice.

That was a good one. By setting it, and by talking to Bob about it, I avoided my whole poor pitiful me story.

What I did not avoid, however, was my “I’m a big incompetent boob” story — it premiered on Christmas day but not to raving reviews.

You see, I’m about as genetically far removed from the Martha Stewart’s and Julia Child’s of the world as Pol Pot was from Mother Teresa.

I can’t cook, can’t bake, can’t wrap presents in clever yet environmentally correct ways. I’m not much better at creating meaningful holiday rituals nor creating wonderful ice-breakers to foster deep connection between suddenly united yet complete strangers aka newly blended family (although I do that really well when I teach retreats).

So on Christmas Day

when I attempted to help Bob with dinner by making Laura’s Brussels sprout recipe and he wanted to pan toast the walnuts but I wanted to toast them in the toaster oven but then I forget about them and they burnt, I watched myself melt into the “I can’t do anything right, why am I such a loser?” story.

Oh, it didn’t last long and nobody in the family was around so they didn’t have to politely look away while I picked at my inadequacies but still, it was not fun. It felt so old and yucky and yet so very real.

It’s me at my victim best as in “If I can’t be perfect, why be at all?”

I share this scathingly honest tidbit so

a) if you experienced a moment of self-loathing or cooking incompetency over the holidays, you will feel less alone

and

b)if you can wrap presents in clever yet environmentally correct ways, you can (privately) entertain a moment of high fiving yourself

and

c) because even though we can set wise intentions and be aware and take naps and read Mary Oliver’s new poetry book and not over-do it, we can still get side-swiped, especially when we are tired or around our families or under stress. Especially then.

So a big hug to my stupid boob story and then on to this week…

I’ll be creating the final touches for my luscious big Virtual Retreat (January 16-19th) and I am so damn proud of it and of my Comfort Cafe and Life Spa (when you sign up for the retreat, you get the option of a free month’s membership site but only until December 31st) so get on it now.

I’ve noticed that as proud and excited as I am, I’m also stressing. Wondering if I can do it all, do it right, get the word out enough, etc.

So this week (cue angels and a Greek chorus and drums and why not a harp… and bongos, I love bongos)

I will lovingly notice when I am telling myself I can’t. I will simply notice the “I can’ts” and what thoughts go with “I can’t”, what reactions I feel in my body, what choices I feel I can and can’t make.

I might also ask “Is it true I can’t do ____?” or I might just notice.

‘Cause one thing I’m loving loving loving about Choose Your Life Mondays it is showing me through experience that changing my patterns doesn’t always have to always be hard work. That the ease of simply being aware can sustain me without me having to do anything.

What are you noticing?

Join me! Name your pattern in the comment section. You can name the same pattern from last week, if you played last week. Or you may want to tweak yours a tad. Or comment on the process.  Love reading your intentions!

Related posts:

1. Choose Your Life Mondays #6 – The Holiday Edition
2. Choose Your Life Mondays #2
3. Choose Your Life Mondays