I am festering with holiday itch – a combo of too much wheat, sugar, wine, mother-in-law, people visiting, politeness, dish washing, and rain (I love the rain but everyone else’s complaints are fraying my last nerve- it has rained a lot) and Christmas music. I feel utterly flat.
What flattens me around the holidays is:
1
Eating things that are harshly affect my mood. I know they do and yet each year, when the emotional stress increases, I reach for one more cookie, truffle or glass of wine. I am aware of myself doing it and yet I still do it. This truth is a problem in that in makes me feel like shit and also more vulnerable to mood swings and self- judgment. A friend told me a recent study explored how much holiday foods adversely affect people during the holidays and create some of our worst family conflicts.
2
Being with people so much. I love people and then I love to leave them. I make sure I get time alone each day and I don’t do every activity with everyone- which leads to a little bit of uncomfortableness but mostly everybody seems to understand. But if I am completely honest with myself, I worry about being someone who likes to be alone so much. When I said to Chris one night last week that his mother doesn’t like me (cringing as this cliche came out of my mouth and at the whine for reassurance), he said, "No, she just knows you’re different." That’s what worries me. I am different and although 95% loves and accepts who I am (okay, today that’s about 50%), another part of me is also clear that there is a price to pay for being different.
I wrote to my spiritual director Sara about this need to be alone. She wrote, "I think it is very challenging to celebrate with others and at the same time, to celebrate interiorly. There always seems to be the pull and the pleasure of being with family and also the longing/yearning to reflect and be quiet–at least that is what I experience many times… Feelings and emotions and tenderness and sweetness are all so close to the surface, easily apparent, and easily overwhelming. The introvert needs time/space/quiet to process even the happiest and most loving of celebrations and even the extrovert needs to rest at times… I used to literally go to sleep (though I have never been a napper) on Christmas afternoon when I was a kid just from all the stimulation and excitement wearing me out.
"The thing is, your flame sometimes glows most brightly in the midst of so many other beautiful flames and sometimes it glows most brightly in the midst of pure darkness, where you can be alone with God, alone with Spirit. It works both ways, but my bias is that the relationship we have with God (while fed by both being with others and by being alone) is most directly encountered and most able to strengthen and comfort us when we find time and space to be alone with ourselves and with God, even in the midst of all these holidays. "
I also want to say that reflecting here about what I don’t like about myself or life is never a call for a "oh you wouldn’t be you if you weren’t different" or any other pat on the back. One of the things I hate about our improvements in self-esteem and self-acceptance is that there isn’t always space to explore what you honestly don’t like… not in a spirit of self-hatred but in a spirit of curiosity. I am curious and uncomfortable and bloated and disappointed in myself as the same time I am blessed, graced, creatively fulfilled, and just plain tired.
How did/ do the holidays affect you?
6 responses so far ↓
1 Marilyn Dec 26, 2005
I relish the food indulgences of the holidays, so even though I feel a slight twinge of guilt at moments, I try to counter-balance it with something healthy. In the last hour I’ve had a piece of See’s candy…followed by a mug of organic echinacea immune-booster tea. At the risk of sounding too airy-fairy, I often wonder if it’s our negative FEELINGS about the excess food, sweets, etc. that make us feel so crummy, more than the foods themselves. We just watched “Chocolat” again today…and boy did it make me crave chocolate! It also made me realize that things like chocolate get a bad name…forgetting that cocoa played a role in ancient healing.
2 Tuxlux Dec 27, 2005
“Chocolat” always gives me a craving for dark chocolate too. It also gives me a strange languid attraction to Johnny Depp in his “Roux” guise.
To get away this holiday, I feigned exhaustion, went to my bedroom, lay on the bed, and watched my mini DVD player with headphones on.
“Chocolat” was in the DVD player in the living room so I watched “League of Extraordinary Gentlemen”.
Too much holiday, too much cheek-to-jowl makes everyone antsy. It’s time we create a holiday tradition that includes “time out” from all that pack activity. Perhaps a “meditation porch” or “solitude walks”.
I still believe a lot of back porch smokers…smoke just to get away for a few minutes.
3 cindy Dec 27, 2005
Dearest,
we all dip into pools we know we shouldnt now and then (too much wine, chocolate etc) dont be too harsh on yourself. forgive and move on. we can strengthen our resolve for the next golden opportunity not to drink too much or eat too many sweets etc.
you said, “I worry about being someone who likes to be alone so much”. i worry about this too. my husband thrives on being WITH ppl. i however THRIVE on being alone. this has been a cause for friction over the 23 years as there is the continual call for “get-togethers, parties etc” throughout the entire year. we compromise a lot on this one. i say yes to some for his sake and he lets me stay home from some for my sake, and sometimes i take my own car so i can leave when i have had enough of what i call “out” time. it is a delicate balance.
you said, “I wrote to my spiritual director Sara about this need to be alone”. i say bravo that you recognize it is a Need. now simply honor that. which it sounds like u are trying to do. of course there will always be a few feathers that are ruffled (as u alluded to above), but i say who cares. sometimes i sneak into another room at group get togethers and read for a while or rest. poor mike has to explain where i disappeared to, but he is used to it and takes it well.
when we go back east to visit his relatives, we stay in a motel so i can have my alone time rather than stay with his mother or sister. and even then, he leaves me alone for spells at the motel so i can have complete alone time.
heck i even NEED alone time away from my husband! sometimes i cant wait for monday to arrive for when he goes back to work so i can be alone!!
i can truthfully say i love and crave and need my alone time and that is ok.
if i have too much “out” time i get cranky. i know that so i monitor it along with my energy levels.
lastly you said, “another part of me is also clear that there is a price to pay for being different”. this is true and i know it well.
you are taking time to be alone every day and that is good. the rest will come.
4 Allison Dec 27, 2005
I too, am an Introvert and need my alone time, especially during this busy season. Fortunately, my family realizes this and honors my quiet time. I am proud to say that I made time to journal and read everyday while I was home. I am famous for reading or doing a Sudoku puzzle in the midst of the group, so that I am with them while I am with me. Good for you for recognizing your needs and honoring them.
My favorite alternate to the many, many unhealthy yet yummy goodies are clementines.
5 Bronwyn Dec 27, 2005
Thanks for writing so truly. You echo the bits of me that I think the world will spurn.
As for needing time alone- I became aware of that when I was first introduced to Enneagrams and found that I fitted the one that says we need time alone to rebuild and renew. (I thought I would sound better as a “Romantic” – oh well!) But it explained so much of what was creating misery in my life. I also read Navigating midlife by Robyn Vickers-Willis which explains the severe tiredness as a need to go away and sort things out in my mind. I am fascinated by this “quiet time” and the brain waves and creativity that happen there. But it is certainly what keeps me strong and motivated.
Thankyou again for expressing those things we think we should be avoiding or negating. I am stronger and more creative in my responses to life as a result.
What was the article about holiday food?
6 Tara Benwell Dec 29, 2005
Yes! Flat. That’s exactly how the holidays left me feeling this year. Flat because there was too much of everything. Too many gifts, too many places to be in two days, too much sitting and drinking and eating and complaining about having too much work to do. There was also too little of everything. Too little taking the time to enjoy a few days off. Too little snuggling with my toddler. Too little talking to my husband. Too little appreciating homemade gifts. Too little taking the time to enjoy God’s gift of balmy weather. And, most important, too little time (actually no time) reflecting on the birth of Jesus.
I enjoyed reading about how some of you take the time to be alone during the holidays. I always bring a book and my journal with me on our annual holiday excursions, but I never seem to take the time to open them and be by myself. I truly believe that the holidays would have been more enjoyable if I too had taken some selfish moments to read, write, or just plain be by myself.
Next year, my husband and I have promised to have Christmas at home. We can hardly wait to do things our way.