In the heart of my new desire is a burning that I almost can’t bear.
But I will.
And around that heat, is an almost equal amount of raging fear.
Logically, I know, that’s how it works. Fear is commensurate with desire.
Joe Campbell called it the dragons at the gate.
Yesterday, the dragons showed up as irritability, scatteredness, lack of focus, and general high level of pissy-ness. Letting myself be distracted – even with digital distractions gone- letting my lack of focus push and pull me.
This morning started off better – I was blessed with a big dream, and while I didn’t have my notebook by my bed, instead of losing the dream to chastising myself, I stayed very quiet and worked with its various aspects in my imagination until I felt a degree of wholeness and grounding.
Then… downhill. Teenager / mom angst, more ex-husband stupidity, then a fight with Bob.
I felt myself wanting to collapse, to say, “Tomorrow will be a better day, wait to start until tomorrow.”
But that is the dragons whispering their lies.
They have kept me in their mouths for far too long, basting me in their slimy stories of I can’t, I’m not, no time, won’t work, you’ll starve, you can’t write anymore, you haven’t written in a book in so long, this desire of yours is absurd and you aren’t strong enough.
Shut the fuck up, dragons. Really. Just shut the fuck up.
I don’t want to talk with you, learn from you, or otherwise spend time with you. You do not have anything to tell me. I’m not going to try and drown you in empathy anymore. What I want is for you to get the hell out of my way.
I have a sword and I am no longer afraid to use it.
How badly do I want to live this desire and actually be of service, make a difference, do this thing? That’s my sword guys, so beware.
14 responses so far ↓
1 Tara Mohr Aug 3, 2010
So beautiful, Jen, thank you.
I feel the honesty in every word, and after a morning of quasi-writing this piece is a good reminder to me that sometimes the best writing is just about this – honest sharing, revealing, grappling, working through.
My fears are also showing up via distraction and thoughts about how I’ll tackle the bigger ideas and questions and decisions tomorrow – so I really needed to hear this.
And I love your idea of our desires as something that empowers us in the fight against the dragons. I realized in reading this that I normally think of that intense desire/aspiration/longing as something that makes the dragons feel even more powerful in their ability to keep me from action – but this reframing is much, much better!
Warmly,
Tara
2 SusanJ Aug 3, 2010
I’m a big fan of showing empathy and and making space for everything Jen. But you’re right – there’s also a time to just be fierce and show the dragon the damn sword and so THERE!
I also often find myself wanting to give up for the rest of the day when I think it hasn’t gone well and hit the “reset” button by starting over tomorrow.
I had a day like that yesterday. And at the end of it, once I’d softened my needs and expectations, I found myself sitting in the darkness at the cottage whispering in wonder to the Divine…”so THIS was how it was supposed to unfold? This was your perfect way for this to become real.”
OK then.
3 Tweets that mention The Heart of New Desire » Comfort Queen -- Topsy.com Aug 3, 2010
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Jennifer Louden and Stephanie Stambaugh, Susan Johnstone. Susan Johnstone said: RT @jenlouden: The Heart of New Desire: In the heart of my new desire is a burning that I almost can’t bear… http://goo.gl/fb/aTxyT Oh, yes! [...]
4 Sophie Nicholls Aug 3, 2010
I know those dragons!
Today was a writing day for me. I’d intended to get up and write for two hours (because that was the COE I’d set for myself). I finally settled to it at 5pm after letting myself be pulled this way and that – phone calls from clients, lunch, bla, bla.
I’ve just done two hours of writing. I was so tempted to literally write-off my writing. But I didn’t. And now I feel gr-rrreat!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It is so, so helpful for me. And thank you, thank you for COEs. Utterly brilliant.
Wishing you totally-imperfect-and-absolutely-enough writing, day by day.
5 Tori Janaya Aug 3, 2010
Jen, thank you for opening yourself so that I can see and open myself, too.
Damn, those dragons! I am taking out my own sword and letting them know I mean business. Colored pencils and paintbrush in hand, I’m turning toward my desire and laying bare my heart.
And now I find that the fear has been transformed into excitement! (Wasn’t it Gay Hendricks who said, “Fear is excitement without breath”?)
Thank you for the inspiration.
6 Julie Jordan Scott Aug 3, 2010
>>> so grateful to read honesty like this… >>>>Then… downhill. Teenager / mom angst, more ex-husband stupidity, then a fight with Bob.
(Makes me willing to talk about these dragony days in my own life and getting beyond them without turning in my sword before even playing with it a little!)
THANK YOU!
7 Linda (Heartfire At Home) Aug 3, 2010
Bravo….. in my mind I’m giving you a standing ovation. That’s the best ‘smack em in the face’ motivational type post I’ve read in ages. And, your line about ‘basting me in their slimy stories of….’
…. wow.
Thanks for this jolt of energy.
Linda. xox
8 Andrew Lightheart Aug 4, 2010
Wow. The fire of truth.
Resonates with something in me…
I want to say ‘You go girl’ without sounding flippant.
But, well…
You go girl!
9 Jennifer Aug 4, 2010
Oh gosh, thank you all. I was afraid to curse in my blog but it felt so wrong to delete it esp. given my COE’s for the month for blogging – honesty!
I took off with Bob for a one day reconnect romantic sleep over in Pt. Townsend so will write a post later about now wondering what the fuck I was thinking – there is an idea stalking me? If I only I could be so lucky.
I cannot express in mere words how much the connection to each of you means. I vow to support each of you going forward. Thank you!
10 Pam Belding Aug 4, 2010
Stunning and right to the point! TallyHoooo!!!!
11 Lisa Aug 4, 2010
I’ve printed this out and pasted it to my wall. It’s also inspiring visions of a piece of art… So beautiful and forgiving and honest and bold and soulful. Soooo much gratitude!
12 Shawna R. B. Atteberry Aug 5, 2010
Oh Jen–Squeeee! That’s what I’ve been doing too. The dragons have been hard on my ass with this book proposal. And I finally told them enough! No More! I am doing this! But I didn’t think about pulling out a sword–which is really pathetic considering my love of medieval weapons and the fact I have a sword and battle ax hanging on my living room wall. Now all I have to do when they show up is look over my shoulder to see my sword then start dragon-slaying.
You have a sister-in-arms!
13 Fear is Selfish » Comfort Queen Aug 5, 2010
[...] giving in to our dragons – that is truly [...]
14 Fabeku Fatunmise Aug 5, 2010
Right on Jen!
And take that dragons! (makes mean faces in their general direction)
I had a few go ’rounds with dragons this week too. There was much cursing involved.
I love what you said about the wait until tomorrow thing. Because I get tangled up in that sometimes.
But this?
I have a sword and I am no longer afraid to use it.
Perfect!
I have written that on a piece of paper and put it front and center on my desk.
Thanks Jen.