Is thirty-seven women in circle gently, tenaciously, courageous, wildly, loudly, softly, bodily exploring what self-care means for her… softening their hearts, connecting with all that is… it was luscious!
I said and got, clearly, that self-care is about opening ourselves, our channel, our vessel, to better connected and feel one with all that is. Self-care is the way in and the support for our spirituality.
I had a revealing conversation after the retreat’s conclusion with my friend Giselle who attended the weekend as my assistant — expert coach that she is, she helped me see that my story – teaching weekend workshops makes me a huckster because they don’t cause lasting change — is a way I hide from my power. I hated hearing that but it really, really hit home, in that sickening way that nasty weed-choked moldy old crap does… I saw that by not fully claiming what I offer, by having a little bit of shame or shucks or but it’s not quantum physics, I avoid opening to whatever is next in my creative life. Why? Because I have this giant fear that I’m going to be "asked" or summoned to do something I really, really don’t want to do. Something too big.
This sounds like a load of egoic bullshit to me, let me tell you. But there you have it.
In the meantime, thank God, I have the startling beauty of these women in my eyes and their affirmations whispering in my ears and their hearts in my heart. To not utterly honor my role in the process, to constantly downplay it to myself, may belittle their courage.
Sigh.
As the mist clears from over the lake and the rain drys on the picnic tables outside my window, I send you good vibrations from the land of yoga and personal growth and cool T-shirts.
And as always, I invite your comments about your process and mine. How do you claim your gifts? Does our fear of being egoic or inflated block us from fully claiming what we do do? What is humble owning of what we can’t help but do look like?
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11 responses so far ↓
1 Julie Jordan Scott Apr 24, 2006
“Humble owning” – I love that phrase… and here is what I came up with, writing free-flow style.
Sometimes I resist being a leader. I want to just bleed into the background, stay out of the limelight, not have people look to me for answers.
Note – I am not saying I have “the” answer… I am saying people look to me for “answers”….
I am remembering when I was in high school I briefly tutored a girl in math, of all subjects. My mother listened to my almost two hour session in which I continually tried different approaches. She looked at me later and said, “I don’t know HOW you can be so patient. I would have gone nuts doing what you did.”
It’s what I do all the time. Create different paths for folks who for whatever reason haven’t managed to swing their own machete through the jungle yet.
I am a soul opener – I offer a path to people, a path they didn’t even know was there before… and some step into that path gleefully and others hang back, scared.
I then stand alongside and breathe courage into hearts and finally, into action.
It’s what I do. It’s who I am. Most of the time I do it enthusiastically.
I just had a flash. This is an art as much as my poetry and my acting and my singing is an art. How intriguing. I never thought of it that way before. Thank you for the a-ha.
2 De Apr 24, 2006
I would just like to say that I have attended week-end workshops and while they may not support the kind of change your friend is addressing, my experience has been that indeed a seed is planted and from that seed lasting change has happened.
I also relate to the hesitancy to do something more substantive, with more planning involved, a higher failure quotient. I am on that path now, having put myself out there to teach a tie dye class for adults and being asked to teach one to kids. The adult class-1 day, maybe 4 hours. The kids class however is 4 days for 3 hours each. Lots of planning having to go into that one! I was offered two consequtive weeks-I wimped out and only took one week.
Just taking that first step to apply to teach Community Ed was huge. The bulletin is out and people are asking if that is me teaching the class. Oh My God! Yup, I can definitely relate to thinking I’m being humble and realizing that I could be doing so much more!
3 keri Smith Apr 24, 2006
Does our fear of being egoic or inflated block us from fully claiming what we do do?
hell yes. i hear the sound of bells going off, saying ‘that is me!’
ouch. something i don’t want to look at. but very necessary and interesting right now.
yes. thank you m’dear.
4 m Apr 24, 2006
Interesting when I teach I only do the 12 week Artists Way because I firmly believe that in order to change ingrained habits and ways of thinking we need to do more than a ‘weekend workshop’ on the other hand in sharing and talking with people I’ve been able to profoundly change my attitude to something or even get someone to change their actions with one pertinent remark or question. Once I got someone to stand for office as the result of one question I asked at a conference for example.
5 Carla Apr 24, 2006
Hiya Jen! I’ve experienced enough of your retreats to KNOW it was phenomenal for those women. I recently heard a wonderful definition of humility. True humbleness allows us to accept — and share — both our strengths and our stumbles with equal grace. I love that! And for the record I think you do it extremely well. Always have.
6 Leslie Apr 24, 2006
As I push forward, putting my creative gifts out into the world (I am a portrait photographer), I continually struggle with owning my gifts, regardless of the amazing feedback I get from others. I have difficulty taking payment that is comparable to the quality of the images I am creating and find that every day, I have to gently remind myself that it is O.K. to flourish and prosper in what I am doing. I am continually amazed, after all these years, at how much energy I still have to invest in coaxing myself into accepting prosperity! I am getting ready to travel from North Carolina to Danville, California to show my work in June, and the little girl part of me is shaking in her boots! I WILL go, however, and put myself out there. I guess it’s O.K. to shake a little in the process. Maybe one day, sharing my talents will feel like second nature. I will rejoice when it happens!
7 pixie Apr 24, 2006
hiding from your power-not good. and you have so much of it! i love that you cop out with “but its not quantum physics…”. its not tumor removal either, but it may as well be to some women. i personally know dozens of women who have you to thank for landmark changes they have made. you can run…
i do not fear my gifts nor my ego. i give openly, willingly, vulnerably whatever i’ve got. and i give a little disclaimer, “thats what i’ve got”.
fear of being egoic keeps me small-doesn’t ever serve me, it only results in manipulation of my goals(tweaking them smaller when each fear speaks up).
i rock, and i can proudly say it! even when i’m down i’m doing the best i can. sometimes whining is what i’ve got. i must embrace that.
how would shrinking behind my gifts help them fully shine? humility is one of those virtues that is usually misunderstood. my rule is if humility is on the table for discussion, you likely don’t lack it to a fault…
a question i want to ask is how do i measure the quality of my work? my answer is simply “trust”-knowing that the work i do as a mom, artist, wife, friend is enough. as my world keeps changing each day, i know that i also continue to change and grow with my challenges. when it ceases to be enough, i trust will receive a cue and know a change is coming through.
my dad once said to me, as i struggled over the task of my work, “don’t think about it, just DO it!” worrying about whether i’m being humble enough is just a waste of valuable energy. the work is too important to squander on fear of anything.
you have such a wonderful uninflated style about you. people trust you because you are not a puffed up guru promising anything but GORGEOUS questions.
the work you do is so valuable, so fine, so lifechanging for so many women. it is OKAY for you to know this and keep doing it. and it is okay for you to stay open to your next creative opportunity. and when asked to do something that will take you beyond your limit, with all of the grace, awareness and eloquence that you already have….you can say, pass.
**i don’t come here as often as i’d like, so if i’m in the dark about your process or coming off as a big know-it-all, i apologize!** …its what i’ve got.
BIG LOVE, p
8 Jennifer Louden Apr 24, 2006
Good your comments make my mind and heart hum… I know I say this every week but this is so juicy and so much fun — what minds! What hearts!
9 spmerri Apr 26, 2006
Wow – two snippets of this posting really spoke to me:
“Because I have this giant fear that I’m going to be ‘asked’ or summoned to do something I really, really don’t want to do. Something too big”
AND
“To not utterly honor my role in the process, to constantly downplay it to myself, may belittle their courage.”
I’m currently struggling with the issue of downplaying my own power, and it’s helpful for me to think about it in terms of not only my fears but also the impact that those fears have upon those I teach or work with.
I do have this HUGE fear of failing, and failing BIG TIME, as I contemplate celebrating my power rather than just feeling lucky when I do something meaningful or create conditions where transformation occurs for myself or someone else. It’s definitely safer not to have any expectations of grandeur. But… I don’t think I’m satisfied with that anymore because I have so much more to offer the world. The small streams of power bubbling just under the surface of my life are starting to look for an outlet.
I so deeply appreciate the opportunity to read about the day-to-day struggles that others have with these kinds of issues, and I’ve learned so much during the time I’ve been reading this blog. I think that joining the conversation may be one way that I can start finding an outlet for that power to burst forth.
10 Michele Apr 26, 2006
Huckster energy (oh my)…and planting seeds. Who knows when and where your students will sprout but you are planting many fine seeds. I just wanted to share too I witness many powerful women walking the teaching path show up a week ahead of time- processing the new and full moon energies differently than the rest of the world. That leaves one feeling not insync, and then there is a want to step down the energy to match other peoples vibrations. I don’t mean to be woo-woo, but we all need to go up in vibration, to love.
We are points of arrow leading the way so others can follow. Follow and then lead (like the geese). Taurus is about value…valuing that differences. Honoring. Being willing to be a point of the arrow- bringing my valuable resource- creativity, teaching, singing quilting, dancing to the community I serve.
This always leads me back to my connection to nature and creating. At this time of year we are either shouting or sprouting. Even in the midst of my own drama I am shouting for joy…
This morning I saw the hedge is finally blooming in our back yard. I can’t begin to share with you how much joy those small white flowers give me. A sign of new life after the battering of hurricane Wilma and the radical pruning of our gardener. South Floridians have had to see our plants cut back to the ground in order to grow anew. Sprouts.
Reminding me Nature always responds, she always seeks a balance…grows even after destruction, coming back again and again. She greets me, as the moon greets me showing the way from dark to light. In new ways. Collectively we are in the cycle of new growth, Springtime-a month of stability to support that new growth by connecting with my inner earth and outer earth- Mother Nature. Two humble feet firmly planted on the ground. I wish you enough at this new moon in Taurus.
11 Karen Apr 27, 2006
Jen,
As one of the recipients of a gift of a weekend with you, I can say personally that you do do powerful things that change lives. I think of that weekend every day at work (a postcard showing the entrance to the center and the words “peace” hanging bring me back to that tranquil weekend, and remind me of the greatness that was us women coming together as strangers and leaving as something more, new beings that had blossomed during our time together.
Thank you. Own your power. You are awesome.