Walking yesterday with my wonderful, wise friend Ann Cheng, the big leaf maples shedding their brown and yellow leaves in the cool air, I blabbed on and on about my new commitment to living in the “I don’t know” and all the changes I am feeling percolating in me. Finally, I took a breath and asked, “Does this sound like a load of bullshit? Am I fooling myself?” (I can spin a mean load of smart sounding bullshit.) Ann, being the master coach she is, asked me, “For the sake of what are you asking ‘I don’t know?’
I felt a flutter of panic. Then, I giggled and said, “I don’t know.” But as I talked so more (Ann you are patient!) I heard why “I don’t know” is now my holy mantra. My life-long habit is to have an idea and rush into action. It isn’t that I don’t consider, “Is this the best use of my time?” I do. I let lots of ideas and opportunities go by, all the time, even when it hurts. But what I don’t do is hang out in the not knowing territory and just let ideas simmer for awhile, be with my desire as an ally. We all got to do that this past weekend on retreat. We "flirted" with desire on a walk through the fall crisp leaves. I saw how I am afraid of how much I desire, of my hunger for life. Because of my fear, I want to get into action,be in motion, live in knowing.
Not anymore.
My practice these days is when an idea for my business / creative life shows up. i gently say, "Maybe. We’ll see.” I bring my mind and heart back to the limitless place without dismissing the idea. i write them all down! I say thank-you and I won’t decide right now. I can be of service and earn wonderful money and have a blast and create, create, create- first, let me sit with all these sensations, with all this desire. First, let me rest in not knowing.
4 responses so far ↓
1 cindy Oct 15, 2005
You said,”I saw how I am afraid of how much I desire, of my hunger for life. Because of my fear, I want to get into action,be in motion, live in knowing.
I used to live this above paradigm, but then i got older. one day i had to come to grips with the fact that there was no way in my short life time that i could do all that i wanted to. even very good things. this was a loss and i dont “do” loss very well never have. i had to grieve my loss and finally accept these facts of life. it takes humility to accept being limited in time and energy to do ALL that i want to in my life and i was humbled. it does indeed teach us to value those we love and make the time today to get in touch with them. being with others is more important than “doing”.
Then you said,”My practice these days is when an idea for my business / creative life shows up. i gently say, “Maybe. We’ll see.” I bring my mind and heart back to the limitless place without dismissing the idea. i write them all down! I say thank-you and I won’t decide right now.
jennifer i want to say that this last statement is very profound. did u hear yourself say it? it sounds like you are coming to a place of peace inside on this matter. Growth indeed! Bravo! cindy
2 Lauren Miranda Oct 15, 2005
I know, too, about wanting to rush into an idea as soon as the seed appears. These days I’m trying to be more conscious of just witnessing the idea forming within me, watching it morph and change shape. Sometimes it just fades out quickly, other times it grows and becomes more dimensional. Can I hold this space in myself, a gentle and nurturing ground for ideas? If a rosebud of an inspiration appears in my psyche, can I keep from grabbing it, wanting to force it open quickly, greedy for it’s color and beauty? These days I’m trying to hold myself back, witness the roses opening, walking around them from all sides, but not poking at them. Letting them share their ripe fragrance with me when they are ready. Yet of course, I have to remind myself of this image repeatedly… so easy to want to get to the next step more quickly than my evolution seems to be taking me. Martia Nelson’s book, “Coming Home” comes to mind – where she talks about the marriage of “True Yearning” and “Not Knowing” as the place inside of us that yields the greatest possibility.
Good to share that space with others – thank you, Jen!
Lauren Miranda
3 Michelle Ensminger Oct 15, 2005
I so love the idea of resting in the unknow, of befriending it, of trusting it. Wow!
4 Li Wu Oct 16, 2005
Thank you for this, Jennifer. At first it baffled me that you, who have already accomplished and contributed so much, are dealing with seemingly the same issue that I am struggling with. But that can’t possibly be… Then I realized that you might be dealing with the same theme, but at a (much) higher level. Kind of like chess; you master one level, then you go up to the next level. This reminds me to be patient. Efficiency has its place in life, but not in personal growth or healing. Being a Gen-Xer who is addicted to technology and its instant gratification, I am learning to slow down and, yes, make peace with the unknown.