I’m off the subject of truth and on to… the subject of ambition, desire, service, and playing a bigger game.
For most of my career, I have run on on the fuel of ambition. The desire to prove myself. To make a difference. To sell a lot of books. To finally be seen as smart, good, cool. But as my spiritual depth and knowledge (I hope!) grew, the desire to accomplish things for those reasons faded. Ambition stopped running my life. I began to flirt with the idea of turning my life over to God (Higher Power, the Divine, whatever you are comfortable calling IT that has no name) and letting something larger direct my choices. Because, like my friend and sometimes co-facilitator Molly Gordon said, "I can’t do it for myself anymore." There just isn’t a compelling personal reason to create- it has to be about service. I’ve known for years that to meet one of the world’s great hungers with one of my passions is the path, and yet somehow, I can’t see how. Meanwhile, my frustration has grown into an ice cream demanding, teeth-clenching, never-resting monster.
And all along, I’ve been asking the wrong question!
What do you think that’s been?
3 responses so far ↓
1 cindy Oct 5, 2005
what has the question been for you? well im sure you know the answer already, but what comes to my mind is: what would make me most happy? as you say:”i cant do IT for MYSELF anymore”. It is about service, but dont think this means drudgery! The funny thing is, once we find it (our avenue for service) it usually brings great joy. so in the end we really are happy, just with different heart motives. cindy
2 Michelle Ensminger Oct 5, 2005
I totally agree with you about the frusration and the struggle. In my early 20s I surrendered to the ministy. My life has changed and morphed so much sense then. I still feel the call and I know that is where my heart is…but I don’t have a deffinite plan. I often think it is so much easier for those who know what they want to do with their life and it’s well defined (i.e. doctor, lawyer, teacher, nurse, etc.) When it’s that well defined then there are certain steps you follow to get to your destination. Follow step 1, then 2, then 3, get your degree, and find a job. For those of us who know in their hearts what we’re called to but don’t know exactly how to define it or describe it, it’s so difficult. I know it’s service (or ministry – but not in the typical deffinition of the term) but I don’t know how to get there. It’s trial and error…taking a step, listening, stepping again, doubting, questioning, listening some more, all the while wondering if I’m missing something and why I’m not getting to where I want to be.
3 Marilyn Oct 8, 2005
I don’t know that I’ve ever felt one morsel of ambition. I’ve always joked that I must have been absent when they handed out the ambition gene. What this has meant for me is that I’ve drifted through my life…yet I’ve always somehow found my way back to the same path. I only know it’s the same path because of all of the synchronicity I encounter when I return there. If there’s one thing I truly believe it’s that synchronicity is a roadmap to authenticity. Sometimes it’s not about asking questions (at least for me)…sometimes it’s just remembering to look up and read the signs…