I had my bits taken out on Monday.
It has all been remarkably easy. Very little pain. Except for the gas. But talking about that, dear readers, would be T.M.I.
I decided to be very curious and mindful and open to the whole experience.
From fasting for 24 hours before to watching my little flares of fear about what was ahead, I was finding the whole thing a wonderfully real way to bump up against my fears of pain and death.
No shit.
These intense moments, of which life has dealt me quite a few in the last five years, I’m determined to use them to wake up.
All of which was going very well until, at about 6 am, after not much sleep and no water since 12 pm and no food for 24 hours, the pre-op nurse could not get the I.V.’s started in my hand.
NURSE (accusingly): You said you had good veins.
ME: I do. I mean, that’s what I’ve been told.
NURSE: Well, they’re good but they’re knotty. (Oh, honey, if you only knew how naughty).
NURSE: And your skin. Your skin is so thick. Do you exercise a lot? (Um, is this a bad thing?)
ME: I guess.
NURSE: You and construction workers. I have the same problem with them.
Oh.
I started to get a tad anxious.
The pre-op room was getting busy. My anesthesiologist, Kara, stopped by to meet me. My surgeon arrived. Her assistants listened to my heart. Many people asked me my birth date.
Still no I.V.
I had the hilarious thought, “Am I going to be late for surgery?” and then, even more hilarious, “Do I have to manage this too?”
See, I had just had a very busy month and just a few days before had delivered a brand new speech to a thousand women at Microsoft – and did a stunningly good job - and I was looking forward to not having to do anything.
I was looking forward to being off duty. I wasn’t in charge of my surgery. Was I?
She finally called over another woman who tutted and silently, quickly, got both I.V’s in my knotty/naughty hands.
Ahhh….
Then my sweetie came to sit with me and pat my head and I got all zen and aware and “nothing for me to do” again.
Love is THE balm for everything, even throbbing knotty/naughty little hands.
Bob got my I-Pod started with my Health Journeys music (Belleruth, I love you, you have been with me on many surgical journeys.)
I was doing great.
Then they wheeled me into the surgery room and I thought, “This place is a mess! I have to organize this. How can they work in this mess?”
I really hope I did not actually verbalize this before Kara turned on the good stuff and wink, I was gone.
I know morphine opens my heart and makes me a love muffin
but still, I loved the next 24 hours.
Bob stayed with me the entire time. Even sleeping on a little cot in my room.
He brought me tasty gluten free things to eat and made me feel utterly loved and safe.
What is better than that?
Um, nothing.
OJ. from Gambia, one of the helper guys, was my Buddha, making me so comfortable that we cracked jokes while he emptied my catheter bag. (Don’t remember what jokes. Morphine good for heart opening, not so good for memory.)
My surgeon’s P.A. came by to tell me I was going to heal very quickly because they all admired how fit I was and how, while they were doing surgery, they admired how toned my legs and arms were (which creeped me out a tad, the thought of people looking at me when I’m out cold but hey, at least it was complimentary).
I did a lot of get ready for surgery – from listening to Belleruth’s visualization to energy healing with Hiro to following a special diet to asking for lots of support ahead of time.
And then, when I checked my phone, I was getting hundreds and hundreds of emails from my newsletter list and blog readers and Facebook. Wow, all that love, more love, how good is that for healing?
GOOD! Really good!
I don’t have a snappy ending for this except to say, even losing your bits can be a love fest.
Thank you for your love.
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18 responses so far ↓
1 Sarah Nov 6, 2009
Oh, this brought me to tears! Thank you for inspiring with your strength. Naughty veins- ha. May you heal well.
2 The Zen of Surgery | health Nov 6, 2009
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3 Hiro Boga Nov 6, 2009
Jen, ha! O.R. folks are a tribe of their own . . . My surgeon signed my right hip (with a flourish and a grin) just before they wheeled me in for hip replacement surgery last spring.
They have a mordant sense of humor.
The way you went through this surgery is the way you live your life–mindfully, with love, honesty and all those complex feelings that accompany such vulnerability.
Sending blessings for healing and wholeness, dear Jen!
Love, Hiro
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5 Virginia Nov 6, 2009
Very glad it went so well for you – no doubt being fit and having prepared helped you sail through.
6 uberVU - social comments Nov 6, 2009
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7 Josiane Nov 6, 2009
I’m so glad it went so well, Jen! Sending some more love, and best wishes for a good and as-quick-as-promised recovery.
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s reassuring and inspiring.
8 Shawna R. B. Atteberry Nov 6, 2009
I’m so glad the surgery went well. I’ve been praying for you. Here’s to your recovery!
9 Karen G. Nov 6, 2009
Oh Jen -
I laughed, cried, and was inspired.
Thank you for sharing yourself /story so thoughtfully .
Be well.
Sending you much love and healing !
10 Irene Nov 7, 2009
Dearest Jen,
You have given freely so much from your heart to me, to us. It is only a matter of divine maths that you receive as much and double that. Loving you and thinking of you, in prayer,
Irene
11 Rebecca Nov 7, 2009
Dear Jen, I don’t post much, but wanted you to know you’ve been in my prayers and Metta practice (a new thing for me which is amazing). Thank you for sharing this. Many things you say will be helpful for the rest of us when we may require some sort of medical procedure. You have such a generous spirit. BTW Did you know that your “Awesome Thought” was quoted on the Authentic Women’s E-blip last Saturday?! I smiled. Happy Healing.
12 Laurie Nov 7, 2009
So glad it went so well. Continue to be gentle with yourself. This journey is not for the weak of heart or mind! So glad you have good support at home! You deserve it!
13 Lynne Tolk Nov 7, 2009
I’ve been absent, sharing my dad’s drama with cancer, so I didn’t realize this was happening for you.
I want to wish you well and a speedy recovery. And congratulations on responding to your whole situation so well and so courageously!
Lynne
14 Jennifer Nov 7, 2009
Oh Lynne I am so sorry about your Dad. I have certainly been there. It is so amazing, and hard, and heart expanding
Thanks for all your comments – I am so tired of the gas but otherwise, great.
15 Laney Nov 7, 2009
hey jen, glad you are feeling better & taking everything in stride. they say it’s all in the ‘tude, attitude that is! thank you for the posts & sharing your healing journey.
16 Char Brooks Nov 7, 2009
i laughed til i cried when i read “do i have to organize this mess” in the middle of everything going on.
and your veins, oy vey!!! some people just don’t know how to shut up and do their job do they. . . . incredible how insensitive staff can be.
yet through it all you find an orderly to laugh with – that’s just you jen. finding the love in your naughty knotty veins.
so glad that bob was there with you and that you can feel how much you are loved – around the globe!
congrats on the microsoft thing too – must be nice to have that behind you.
you’ve done a masterful job of going through this with your heart wide open. awesome witnessing this from the sidelines for me.
17 rebecca Nov 8, 2009
I’m so happy to here you’ve come through surgery successfully!
ha, “Do I have to control this too?” I just have to laugh I sooo understand that – sadly I do
Wishing you a speedy recovery.
18 Sue Nov 9, 2009
Jen,
I had similar surgery with a 5-week recovery time. I used the time like an extended retreat–journaling, putting together a puzzle (symbolic of the pieces of my life), writing poems, doing exercises from your book on retreats, and letting people take care of me for once. I wish you a happy, peaceful recovery too.