I’m plain tired. And sad.
Rest has been fitful as I ended up needing to rewrite more of the book when Lain and my writer’s group both said the same thing – some basic intro material missing. It scares me how hard it has been for me to track ideas and follow through on concepts writing this book – I do think my brain is changing here at the beginning of middle-age. I have sometimes wondered if the art making that arising is going to be a compensation for that — but my art making has sucked the big one the last few weeks – not that I’ve had a lot of time but boy, I am flat and stumped.
This may be my last father’s day with my Dad and that is strange feeling – rather other worldly.
I have been so blessed in this life with the positive masculine – a couple of stupid boyfriends in college and then Chris… and always Dad. Kind men, honest men, shy and not big talkers but hey, you can’t have everything. 
Did a great radio show today with Keri Smith - we talked about the importance of rest and learning to be with your fear. That helped – as it always does – to know you aren’t alone in feeling blah. I have beeen taking a nap each day and letting email pile up. Tomorrow, I have one last chapter to rewrite and hope to channel the energy to do it well.
You know what, I think I hate to finish a project. I like working yet I need to rest. That push pull is not something to reject – I need some conscious time with that…
So off to father’s day dinner – fried chicken and biscuits from our southern roots and then perhaps a game of cards if Dad is feeling up to it.
Wishing all of you sacred masculine time.
8 responses so far ↓
1 Gwen Delmore Jun 19, 2006
Hi Jennifer, I am wishing you a gentle burst of energy and insight to guide and support you through re-writing the last chapter. Don’t worry, I am sure that your brain still works…
blessings,
Gwen
2 Suzanne Falter-Barns Jun 19, 2006
I hear you with my heart, Jen. Losing your father is both world and life shaking, and another critical growth step we all must take on some level. Just want you to know that everything you create is part of a great stream of giving … and that out here, we truly appreciate it. And we especially honor you for your gifts. So, I’m sure, does your father. You make him proud.
3 De Jun 19, 2006
Hi Jennifer…yes, I agree that my brain is “different” at this time in my life. I need more down time, I need to go about doing things differently. I have to break things down into their smallest parts in order to not feel overwhelmed. A major difference for me is that the things “I know”, the wisdom I have gained over the past few years in recovery is difficult to recall. My birthday was Friday and I turned 53. Menopause came early because of a hysterectomy at 45. As I adjust to these differences my life is the best it has been. I am able to take my “skill wisdom” and do some pretty fun and interesting things with it. As for art, it comes and goes. My inner critic is very much alive and well. I need the observer now more than ever to keep me on an even keel.
I too have been blessed with a wonderful gentle man in my life. He is supportive and loving. What a difference that has made in my adjustment to menopause et al.
You have played a role in this process of mine for which I am grateful. Thank you.
4 Bonnie Jun 19, 2006
Dear Jen,
I hope you had a lovely visit with your dad. This is the second fathers’ day without my dad and it is still strange not to buy a card. Ours was an estranged relationship at the end, but the space is still there.
I can hear your pain. Sometimes it is so hard to BE WITH all our feelings, isn’t it? You can do art with that, too. I remember last fall walking around the house saying over and over again, out loud, “I am so angry. I am so angry.” I called my daughter over to do art with me and just smeared red paint on paper. Being with the anger and using my HANDSto do the art, freed me from the hold of the anger. When I added pastels to the dried piece days later, following some of my finger paths, the shapes were broken-open hearts! Interesting, eh? Be kind and gentle to yourself, too, Jennifer. We forget to do that sometimes. That advice comes from my Focusing teacher and I have it posted above my writing desk. I have to tell you how much your sharing of yourself with us, helps me. I beginning the writing of my thesis and folllowing your process of writing encourages me. Don’t laugh! Even your despair shared, does encourge me!
with hugs,
Bonnie
5 Maureen Jun 19, 2006
Dear Jen,
I have no profound insights, just a lot
of sympathy for your fatigue and discouragement
and sadness.
I know you will do what it takes;
stay with it…in the flow…let the feelings
wash over and through…until other feelings
flow in – the tide moves in and out no matter
what we do.
Father’s Day is always tough for me.
My father died 3 years ago but he checked
out of my life, in stages, starting when I
was 13, and pretty much checked out entirely
when I was in my mid 20s….
I see my husband’s kids doing stuff for him
and I just ache.
May you share as many loving moments
with your dad as you can while you still have
him.
6 deb Jun 21, 2006
Jennifer – I’m so impressed with your energy and creativity. I marvel at the many projects you balance and juggle at once. It’s no wonder you do get tired – we all do! One of things that perhaps keeps me from jumping in and “going for it,” so to speak, is that I just won’t have the energy and be able to take the inevitable challenges. You are out there. Going for it. Doing it. Wow! You really are amazing.
7 Molly Gordon Jun 22, 2006
My friend, I adore your presence to yourself and to us — the people who get to visit you here. Thank you.
8 Dinah~ Jun 22, 2006
Jen,
My father died a little over a year ago. He was a philosopher, musician, artist, and gentle soul who lived simply so that others could simply live. He never drove a car and always gave freely. We were extremely close. I was always so glad that I went out of my way to visit with him every other week for the last few years of his life. We openly talked about death and how we would try staying in contact when he passed on. He died a conscious death. I will always remember the last hug we gave eachother before I drove off. My heart is with you.
Daina(Dinah)Puodziunas