I’m in Chicago to do a short presentation for Spring Air. I didn’t even think about not coming - it is the "do the work" ethic Dad instilled in me – keep your committments.
The grieving experience so far is huge – I was in the grocery store buying dog food and I had to think "Is the dog still alive?"
Went over to Mom’s yesterday to meet with funeral home guy – felt so close to Dad standing right where he died.
I keep seeing his face – both after he died and when he was dying and I was cradling him toward me as we changed him.
One of my best friends told me she thought Dad hadn’t wanted me there when he died – and I told her after I got the news of his heart attack, I went into a sort of meditation and he was like a little boy and he wanted to do it on his own. It was good to hear that she had the same feeling.
My honey sent me this:
"Dearest Jennifer,
I’m sorry that I can only offer you words right now; I long to be home
with you, to hold you and hug you and rock you in my arms. I feel
neglectful and selfish being away, and I just want to help soothe your
pain.
After your call, I returned to sleep and had a sweet dream about your Dad.
You and I were visiting places that he liked to frequent, remembering him
in those spots. These were ordinary places, like markets, and we’d say,
"Yes, he liked to go there". It felt peaceful, respectful and real. Like
he is and always will be a part of us.
Thank you for walking our daughter through all of the emotions and fears
and lessons of this, too. My comfort is knowing how beautifully you’ll
handle it with her. I love you and miss you."
Mostly, I am sick of death, sick of cancer, sick of whole thing. I want to run away from home.
Thank you for all your emails and comments and calls – they are so treasured, you can’t imagine. It’s so easy for me to go into my family story which is no one sticks around, you can’t really count on anyone— but that is bullshit. You can and so can I.
5 responses so far ↓
1 Anne Oct 25, 2006
I am so sorry about your father. Hoping love and comfort cradles and supports you as you deal with your grief and loss.
With heartfelt sympathy….
2 lynneanne Oct 25, 2006
Dear Jennifer,
Just the other day I thought of you when I saw an article you wrote for Body and Soul. I have been a reader of your work for 6 years, infact I found Comfort Queen during the first year after my mother’s death. It seems serendipitous that you are now entering a journey that I was just beginning when I first read your invitations to be courageous about self exploration. I want you to know that you have what you need to walk where you are walking now. Every day for a while will feel ten years long, and, at once, over too fast. Loss is an experience unlike any other, precious and agonizing, but the awareness that you have already developed will be a blessing to you as you will be able to feel the love extended to you in the coming days, I hope. Its a bit of a sensory overload, but I pray for you that you will be able to take in the great kindnesses you will experience as loved ones take the time to say things that matter, things that, on an ordinary day, go unsaid.
*hugs*
3 Toni Klym McLellan Oct 25, 2006
Jennifer, I’m so very sorry for your loss, and yet grateful that you’re sharing your process here. I wish you comfort and healing and strength.
4 SusanG Oct 25, 2006
Grief. What a mess! It’s one step forward, two steps back…or maybe sideways, or maybe a lurch one way and then a stumble or occasionally a graceful leap in another. It’s not neat, it’s not orderly and it’s SO not predictable but what in our lives is? It IS a wonderous experience however, and the catalyst for probably my greatest growth. It is also an intensely personal process and you must always remember that no one will grieve the way you do and your way is neither right nor wrong, nor is theirs. It is what it is and it takes as long as it takes. Make it what it needs to be for you. Susan
5 protocrone Oct 25, 2006
Jennifer,
You have brought so much comfort into my life, I wish comfort in your life. My mother passed away three years ago this month and I still feel her with me all the time. I hope that feeling never ends. We had a rough time in life together but now we ‘share’ sweet times- hopefully, you will understand what I mean. It’s like reinventing my childhood with new happy memories.
All love, peace and warmth,
Mary Beth