I’m in an itchy/ twitchy mood– in the midst of life, it is going to take more effort to retreat. No, not effort. Remember Jen: no forcing, no holding back. When I remember this mantra, I taste the mood/ the space / the energy I crave. Perhaps I feel so itchy/ twitchy (let’s just go ahead and add bitchy): I haven’t been focusing my time through the lens of "no forcing, no holding back."
Here’s the thing: I don’t want to make a big honking plan for this time off. I want to simply follow my nose, my heart, my curiosity and my flight rules, which I am going to jigger a tad. They were:
Do little as possible
Minimize friction
Enjoy
How about:
Do little as possible
No forcing, no holding back
Enjoy Purposelessness
To answer Rebecca’s questions from a week ago will help me get focused so here goes:
I’m curious what retreat means to you? This one. What will be
different for you in the next nine months? What are you doing
differently? Are you stepping totally out your ordinary or are you
weaving into your everyday? What are you adding? What are you
eliminating? Or are you just asking/living a question?
To me, a retreat means: following my inner knowing as much as the time as possible and doing things in a different/rarefied/altered way. Traditionally, you fasted or you didn’t talk or you sat in a dark cave to focus your senses, to strip away distractions and alter your ability to perceive. Cleanse the doors of perception and all that. What I have explored, and what so much contemporary spirituality is about, is how to do this work in the midst of life. So in a way, it’s much more interesting and applicable to be doing this at home AND I SO WISH I WAS AT A RETREAT CENTER at least today. 
I have no idea what will be different for me in the next nine months. I could write a laundry list of what I want to be different but I suspect that would lead me away from my flight rules and thus from what I most need.
I’m eliminating: self-improvement, spiritual practices done in an attitude of getting enlightened or better, doing favors for people, answering all my emails, beginning any new projects, trying to figure out anything about what I want to do in the future, gobbling up learning, trying to fit into any brand or box or platform, trying to make money, trying to be smart, trying to understand difficult books, writing my newsletter or blog regularly, trying to build a business, trying to make art that means or does anything, trying to be anything other than lumpy me. Not even trying for that.
I’m adding: reading whatever I want and starting a million books and reading only a tiny bit and going on to something else if I don’t like it, making art as a talisman not as a product, going to The Raj for a deep cleanse, seeing how I can bring this retreat into the retreat I’m leading next month and my speech in South Dakota, softening my tendency to be a hermit by saying, taking the Drawing on the Right Side of Brain class so I can move more deeply into drawing, more compassion, more compassion, more compassion, more time in nature…
So far I’m weaving my retreat into my ordinary life because like I said above, it’s more interesting and let’s face it: it would not be cool to leave my teenage daughter for 9 months. That said, it’s the weaving part (especially where it comes to new puppy and teenage daughter) that is not working so well for me.
I’m less of living a question than using those flight rules as mantras.
That helps me. What about you Rebecca?
8 responses so far ↓
1 Roma Sep 18, 2007
Dear Jennifer,
A big hug from a stranger who has been “on retreat” for a few years now. Your words brought me here to say “Hi” and to share a quote:
“Life is, by nature, constant flow and interaction of numberless elements. Nothing ever stays the same, even from one moment to the next. Everything is on its way to becoming something else, and therefore, nothing can be held onto. If you see this clearly, if you consider and examine this deeply and fully, then letting go is the only thing left to do. How can you hold on? What is there to hold onto?
So the art of spiritual surrender is really the art of not knowing. Then it doesn’t make any difference at all whether you are walking down the street or eating lunch or responding to your email or making love or sitting alone on your couch. This is the first and last time you will ever be doing this. If you truly understand that, it changes everything.”
- Scott Morrison
Sending you a big bunch of smiley sunflowers and much love.
Roma
2 Paula Sep 18, 2007
Hi Jennifer,
I love your retreat thing. What you’ve described is not just my desire for a retreat, but rather for my life. As I read your definition about what you’re eliminating, I hear the word “trying” over and over again. I can relate to many of them. In my life, trying comes with an element of attempting to move life in a direction that it’s not vibrational aligned for. So it feels like struggle and effort, and I feel exhausted. These days I’m taking a different approach… explore versus try. Just show up for the daily thrill of exploring, be fascinated with the results… “Hmmm, isn’t that interesting? Who woulda thought?”
And whenever I feel like I’m back down the “trying” path, as soon as I notice, I flip myself on my back in the water, face to the sun and allow myself to drift with the natural current. Ah, that feels good!
What’s also so cool is that I find people like you in cyberspace right when I’m exploring the creation of programs like my 28 Day Journey: Slow Down to a Richer Life and Re-discover You. Everywhere I look, I meet people desiring the same thing. It’s like when you buy a new car and then notice how many other people on the road have the exact same car as you.
Keep exploring… right in the midst of life. That’s when the best juice shows up.
Paula
http://www.paulaonysko.com
http://www.journeywithpaula.com
3 Phyllis Sep 18, 2007
I have followed your blog for a while and have your latest book too.
I know that you’re doing all of this retreating in the spirit of taking care of yourself, but I have to be honest: When I read about your 9-month retreat all I experience is jealousy and resentment.
If only I could take 9 months off and just focus on myself and not worry about making money, or having a business, or sending out newsletters. If only the only things I had to worry about were a teenage daughter and a puppy. Please.
Is it because your husband is bringing in enough money for the whole family that you have this luxury or are you actually putting your financial security on the line by doing this retreat?
I’m truly not trying to rain on your parade. I just have to give voice to this frustration I feel at thinking about you relaxing, enjoying, not worrying about stuff…when over here it seems like those things aren’t possible. Do you have suggestions for those of us who don’t have the luxury of 9-months for retreat…or do you think it’s all just a state of mind and any of your readers could do the same 9-month retreat that you’re doing?
Can you get real with me about how you’re giving yourself the space to do this?
How much of it is based on external circumstances (like hubby making enough to support the family so it doesn’t matter if you generate more income) and how much of it is out of necessity for your own sanity no matter what cost it has to your financial picture, or your clients, or whatever?
I want to be able to celebrate your huge step toward self-care with your retreat, but so far, no matter how many times I reread your posts on the topic, I still feel angry, resentful, and jealous. What can you share with me on this? Obviously I’m stuck and hurting around it – and I’d prefer not to be.
4 Rebecca Sep 18, 2007
Jennifer, As I read your post I’m laughing, because I’m sooo there. Just today a friend and I were talking about that part of ourselves that wants to control EVERYTHING, dot all those Is and cross all those Ts, and count them too! And to maintain this sense of control we attempt to plan EVERYTHING. And then we beat ourselves up when it doesn’t work out as we planned. And then we just start another plan. If this isn’t a vicious circle I don’t know what is.
My life recently has been about change, change over which, it is quite frequently pointed out to me, I have no control. Oh my, this sends that little control freak planner (CFP) in me absolutely berserk and searching for a blank piece of paper.
But running is not an option, because that little sucker goes right along with you (as I realized from the moment several years ago when I stopped abruptly on a street in Santa Fe as I raced to the next thing and realized I(CFP) was planning my vacation into a nervous breakdown!). And going away is great, you can beat CFP into submission if the environment is right, but then you come home, back to the familiar, where CFP can get the upper hand. This is a battle fought on the home front (some appropriate WWI war song here). And don’t fool yourself Jennifer, retreating on the home front is going to be darned hard work. Consider, you’re no longer looking to win a battle, but the war!
So, at the moment my retreat is to take a “fast” from planning – but I’m not going to plan it or anything
. Everytime I start running options through me head, “Well, first I’ll… then…. so….better..must…or should/could/or” I intend to start singing, humming when in public, – very loudly, so I can’t hear myself (praying wouldn’t hurt any). When I reach for that piece of paper to make yet another list, or start plotting out “things to do” weeks in advance in my calendar, I’m going to recite to myself “Just put the pen down Rebecca and walk away, slowly” in one of those tough guy voices. Basically I’m going to do my darndest to not plan, even what I’m going to have for lunch. What I feel like doing, I’m going to do. I want to see what unfolds.
My little CFP says “But…” stuff won’t get done, you’ll find yourself years from now with nothing accomplished, totally lost, only a sluggy couch potato – you can’t do this (to me)! But you know deep inside there is an “I”, a me who is intregral to who I am. Somewhere deep inside I KNOW. But it is the softer gentler me, and face it CFP is pretty darn pushy. But I’m betting on that gentler me being the stronger.
I’ll be drawn into nature for walks, I don’t have to plan them on my calendar; I’ll be drawn to art when I see an image or have a thought, because my creativity runs as deep if not deeper then CFP (in fact I have a sneaky suspicion that CFP is the reason I don’t). I’ll pick up books that appeal to me at the moment, and thoroughly enjoy them, without identifying whether they are good for me or not, if they are fine, if not, that’s fine too. I’ll be none the worse for it, in fact I just might come out the better for it. Contrary to CFP’s opinion that without the proper guidance (and planning) I’ll be nothing, I have a darn good creative and inquiring mind that is in love with trees and sky and stars.
Jennifer, do whatever feels good to you. Sit with your face in the sun and drift, pet your new puppy, enjoy your daughter, just enjoy your husband’s smile (and smile back big, make him wonder what you’re up to
. Healing will occur even if you don’t plan it. But, shhhh, don’t let CFP hear this, next thing you know it’ll be searching for paper.
I’m happy with whatever you feel like sending out. Because even when you’re off somewhere you’re also here, with me and everyone else, who has any one (or all) of your books. Just let us know how it’s going every now and then, wishing you the success you’ve enabled for so many rebecca
5 Maryalice Sep 19, 2007
Wow, I was not really tracking Jennifer’s 9 month retreat that is simultaneous with my sabbatical. wondering about taking the step to come to the retreat on Bainbridge. stuck a bit in details, hassle of getting there, finding place to stay etc. will reflect later and watch the posts
6 Pam S. Sep 20, 2007
Jennifer,
My own life is in great transition and 6 months (or so) ago, I promised myself to “just stop” for a year or so. Do very little “ego,” and lots of “soul.” I determine which is which by asking what are my motivations for doing (whatever-it-is); what is the goal?
I’ve needed to go deeper for some time and have kept myself too busy to actually do it; in my busy-ness and doing-ness, I lost more and more of my spiritual connection; then lost my centered-ness; then started losing things outside as well as inside.
People ask me what I’m DOing now that I don’t have my business anymore, and I tell them “Absolutely nothing!” As far as others are concerned, that’s exactly what it looks like. What I am doing is READING everything I can get my hands on, team-teaching spiritual awareness classes and REALLY participating, listening actively, THINKING and talking those thoughts over with friends; sitting in the hot tub (luke warm actually) and watching the clouds.
This all has had the strangest phenomenon in my life…I’m not buying STUFF, I’m not EATING stuff (I’ve lost 12 lbs!), I’m not CRAVING stuff. I’m feeling better and better every day. I’m taking back my time, too; living it slower and more purposefully and mindfully.
Retreat connects us with our deepest self, the divine feminine for me, and our connection with others ripples and radiates out from our true self. I cannot feel and experience my connections without taking time out along the way. And it is upon the journey, within the retreat, where everything important happens: our goal may be one thing, but we only find out whether its been met through hindsight! Hugs, Pam S.
7 Ann Harris Sep 21, 2007
Jennifer What a joy your blog is. Wishing you a bouquet of yellow tulips and much success with your retreat. Try to keep to the doing as little as possible. Its not as easy as it sounds. I know. I vow this at least twice a month. Also the no New projects… I am counting on you to be strong because I know the temptation can be strong. Blessing and light to all
8 m Sep 26, 2007
I’ve just been reading some of the comments about a retreat. I know 9 months sounds indulgent to some but 4 years ago I was really ill with ME and I took off from Scotland for 4 weeks to Sydney Australia. I lived in hostel for a month and all I was committed to was visiting my grandmother twice a week. Otherwise I just slowly drifted around the city from pleasure to pleasure. Basically I indulged my eyes, took photographs, ate cake at cafes, read, knitted, journalled and wrote about 100 postcards. I had no to dos a minimal scheule went with the flow soaked up lots and lots of light. I came back home emmensley restored and went into a very busy job for two months and was fine.
Allowing yourself even a limited amount of time just for yourself is so healing with no expectations on what you ‘should’ do with it.
Really 9 months sounds fabulous but I’d urge anyone to try and arrange a shorter retreat if possible. I’m still paying for mine on my credit card but I don’t regret it!