The fundamental delusion of humanity is to suppose that I am here and you are there.” (Anonymous)

When you are afraid, everything in you may say scream, “Contract, pull in, focus all your energy on survival!” (or on getting well or on taking care of your parents or on your sick child or on getting a new job).

While there are certainly times when we have nothing left to give – or even less than nothing – there are more times when giving, even in the smallest ways, as long as they bring us into contact with other human beings, can melt our fear and loneliness.

When everything in you wants to hide like a turtle, that’s often a good indication you some part of you yearns to make like a giraffe and stick your neck out.

Mull over these insights Michele posted on this blog a few weeks back about how she counters feeling afraid and alone:

I have found that taking action to serve others during fearful times is a good practice. I get busy and do something even it’s just to bake a batch of cookies to take to the office or go through my closet and find clothes I can donate or call the local service and see who I might transport to a doctor’s appointment this week.

If these service actions were applied collectively to our communities (however we define them), then even in the midst of all our fears, we could create movement – for ourselves and others. Don’t stop reaching out. Hunkering down under the cloud of fear I have never found to be the answer.” Of course, it’s easy to turn reaching out to others into a “should,” something that drains your energy and makes you more exhausted and afraid. To prevent that, be sure and do only do things you really want to.”

To connect with others and feed your own heart you could:

• Bake muffins for an elderly neighbor and visit for ten minutes when you drop them off
• Volunteer to teach something you love in your child’s classroom once
• make phone calls for an organization you believe in and do it with other people
• Sing in a choir
• Knit a square for a blanket for orphans
• Help run the library used book sale

If you think you don’t want to do anything or be near anybody, try this cognitive therapy exercise, adapted from The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns. Make a chart with three columns (it does not need to be pretty nor do the lines need to be straight; just divide up a sheet of paper into three  columns) then label them:

Activity                                     Prediction                              Actual Satisfaction

Under Activity, write down three or four things you might do to help someone in person (this is, as you can tell by my emphasis, is a key factor: being near other people).

Under Prediction, assign a % indicating how satisfied you think helping the library book sale will be, from 0% to 100%.

After you help at the book sale (or whatever you decide to do), write down under Actual Satisfaction how, um, actually a satisfying it was (and if you would rather use the word “enjoyable,” “heart warming,” or “fun,” please do so). This may seem mechanical but it is just this writing down of the facts that helps still the mind and give you a clearer picture of how satisfying – and easy – it can be to reach out.

And you’ll learn what kinds of connecting activities work for you, rather than the ones you think you should do.

A couple of more ways to move toward connection and away from feeling lonely and scared

• Dedicate your efforts to someone else. If you exercise, dedicate the good feeling of health and well-being to someone you know who is suffering. If you meditate, dedicate that energy. If you are walking through the woods and see a glorious strand of sunlight shining through the trees and you are awestruck with beauty, stop and imagine sending that feeling of awe out to someone in need.
• When you are out in the world, as you encounter people-from the guy who takes your toll to the woman who cuts you off in traffic-imagine beaming them compassion directly from your heart to theirs.
• Join me at my Virtual Retreat on January 16th through the 19th for How To Create Your Life Purpose with Laura Berman Fortgang and Doing Great Work And Making Lasting Impact led by Michael Bungay Stanier’s and also Re-energizing Your Career and Getting Into Action with Barbara Sher. All these Virtual Retreat sessions will include ideas for connecting with others!

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post -  I’ll be writing about and sharing a calming audio about How to Stay Calm when the Whole World is Worrying (and getting on your last good nerve).

Related posts:

1. How To Feel Safe During Uncertain Times
2. Making myself Feel Better
3. How To Take Action When Fear Is Paralyzing You
4. It is What it Is
5. You are a Preferred Customer so Get on the List