I’m a Frito Bandito…
Just had to write that. I’m dating myself!
I needed to write to CONNECT. I miss our conversations and yet I feel our connection, us creative thinking heart women webbed around the world, opening and closing with the tide of life.
I’M STILL ALIVE and I’m actually, well, great. And good. Certainly stronger. More even-keeled. Learning heaps. Playing more! As the sun returns to the misty NorthWest, so does my life force.
Being divorced is becoming part of me, it’s truth is being metabolized. For example, when I talked to my neighbor on the ferry Tuesday about my new life without Chris, I felt (mostly) like I was talking about myself and not some alien life force. I’m beginning to feel less like divorce is inconceivable. Oh sure, there are moments when, out of the blue, I wondered who socked me in the solar plexus. I look around but there isn’t nobody there, just the realization that my other half is no longer connected to me. But that’s not true. Our connection, in some very important ways, is richer and clearer than ever. Sitting on either side of our daughter a few weeks ago at her student conference,, we shared one of those parenting looks that said, “Oh my god, she’s such a miracle, don’t you want to eat her up?” and although that look was followed by one of those sad looks, it was not followed by a “I’d be so much happier if you would just…” look. It was not followed by our heart’s shutting down. My friend Ann Cheng said this morning on our walk, “What would it be like to live without any expectations?” (which is probably what enlightenment feels like) and that’s part of the gift of not being married anymore: we can love each other without expectations. No expectation of connection or being on time or getting the taxes done… It’s odd and lonely and freeing. It brings up the question in me, over and over, what do I want or need from another person? Why do I believe a relationship has to look a certain way?
On the creative front, after being dead to even the most remote creative impulse, I can feel the creative heat building in me. It feels exciting and a little scary. All I know right now is that my next creative leg must be:
More collaborative – I want someone(s) to work with in person at least part of the time
More fun – play! Be a voice and conduct for play!
More focused – I want to articulate what self-care is and be an international stand for it; what is the “there there” of my work?
Better supported – asking for and creating systems so I can do all I want to do.
I’ve been considering performance as part of my future. I know I want to become a better speaker and speak more. I may want to do more weekend workshops. I’ve fantasied how much fun it would be to do a TV show– some thing for the new Oprah network! I’m edging toward my novel. I’ve made some art again… Did I mention focus must be part of my new life?
And I’ve been struggling with my days getting eaten up with “stuff,” like today, Lilly is home from school, it’s a holiday and yesterday it was meet a friend for tea. I’m feeling the need to get away for a longer retreat in silence, away from home again. Not sure when that came happen but feeling the need!
So far my retreat looks like nothing I ever thought it would, certainly it doesn’t look particularly special or “sacred,” but I keep reminding myself, “What should it look like?” and “Why should it look any different than it does?” In other words, I’m accepting reality, digging into the rich and sticky and lovely dirt of me, and living the sacred line from Rilke:
May what I do flow from me like a river,
no forcing and no holding back
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17 responses so far ↓
1 Rebecca Feb 16, 2008
Jennifer, It is wonderful to hear from you again. And wonderful that you are feeling so good. Coming out on the other side. Keep asking the questions, don’t worry about answers, they will come.
2 Tara Feb 16, 2008
It’s so funny that you should mention that you want to do more speaking. I was driving to get my hair cut yesterday and the radio DJ had a voice that was so similar to yours. It was uncanny, and I thought, wouldn’t that be fun if I could just turn on the radio and hear Jennifer Louden brightening the day…on Comfort FM.
I came across this fun Stephen King quote tonight that made so much sense to me: “It’s a reactive thing, like a Geiger counter; you click whenever you come close to whatever you were built to do.”
3 Laura West Feb 17, 2008
Hi Jennifer,
I’m up doing some Sunday morning connecting with my favorite writers and I see your post. I’ve had you on my mind….sort of a question actually…hmmm, having noticed much from Jennifer – wonder if everything is alright or have I just been consumed on my busy journey….
Now I see….retreat, divorce, being, struggling with being,the exhaltation of freedom and the loneliness of suppport systems changing (even if it wasn’t the support we really needed)…
I went through a divorce a few years ago and I just had to go inside…hunker down….it was almost like I had to go to some base level of survival to rediscover (eventually) who I was and what I wanted. I also needed to “batten the hatches” for my boys…I felt like I was creating a new nest for them and me and I just couldn’t focus on creation, purpose and self-expression – ie: my work…..and yet deep inside i knew it would serve my work/purpose in ways I didn’t know at the moment.
Sending you love and support for just being here….whatever here is at the moment….
Laura
4 Dinah~ Feb 17, 2008
HI Jennifer,
It is such a gift you have given to others to have been sharing your entire journey so intimatly. You are always in my prayers and I see you as a beautiful example of a woman who is going through a powerful midlife transformation with and in grace. Women need to share their stories, especially while they are going through them so that others will not feel alone or crazy. Stories are a soothing elixer of compassion,understanding, and connection. How many women need that!!!!!
There have been so many themes of your journey that I could so relate to in my own life with my career, my creativity, my relationships. I connect, connect, connect with you in so many ways.
I believe that there are powerful psychological and spiritual forces that are activated in midlife. It’s as if a part of us….in the depths of our soul, knows what we need in order to live out our potential and begins to nudge us in that direction creating what appears to be havoc in our lives internally and/or externally.
The best thing that we can do is not resist and listen. And you my dear have done just that…..and so very, very well!!
As I read about how you and your ex were looking at your child, I can share your sentiment. I found myself on the floor with my ex husband playing with our four grandchildren this week!! We looked at eachother and smiled with pride as we delighted in their play.
Creating conscious relationships, no matter how hard for the good of all is where it’s at! It wasn’t easy for me to get to where we are in our relationship now. I had to disengage from lots of drama that was all around me (much of it coming from him.) Now….I am so glad I did!
Thanks for being you and sharing yourself with the world!!!!
Daina (Dinah) Puodziunas
http://www.Midlifefairygodmothers.com
5 Tracy B. Feb 19, 2008
Glad to hear you are leaning in and also being gentle with yourself! I’d love to collaborate with you if you are in need of a partner on feminine leadership, confidence in difficult times, playfulness…
6 Jennifer Louden Feb 19, 2008
Cool Tracy B, tell me more~ And thanks Dinah for the pat on the heart– feels so good. Tara- what a great idea for a show – comfort all the time!
I’m still rather up and down but the sun being out here has helped so much. And getting excited about my work again feels so good. I’m ready God, so ready!
A friend said to me that if I felt “the worse thing one can do is stop the process mid-way through” then I’ve already come through it. Which I’m starting to believe.
It has only been eight months but I think because he has so absent before and I was trying so hard, it feels like longer. It still hurts. But I love what I’m learning.
7 Elizabeth Barbour Feb 21, 2008
“I’m dating myself” – you used that term as a time reference to the Frito Bandito but what I read when I first saw that was “I am dating myself” as in “I am getting to go on dates, ask questions, explore this new person and have fun experiencing new things.” Wow!
When I went through my divorce 7 years ago (and had that feeling of being sucker-punched as you described) so much of it was surreal. But then, over time, I had all of these new experiences. It was the first time in my life that I did Julia Cameron’s “The Artist’s Way” and each artist’s date I took myself on was such a gift. I got to rediscover me and my interests and my creativity and my inner goddess. After 15 years of being with one person (my high school sweetheart) I had forgotten who I was!
So I encourage you to go on dates with yourself and see what you find.
I appreciate that you’re willing to share your life so openly with the world. You are a great teacher and inspiring colleague. Blessings to you on this stage of your journey….
E.
http://www.elizabethbarbour.com
8 Anonymous Feb 21, 2008
Jen,
Do you remember way back when “Ai Yi Yi Yi I am the Frito Bandito” commercial was advertising bags of Fritos with a “special offer” Frito Bandito eraser??? The erasers would go on top of the pencil and were of a short “bandito” with a big hat and gun holsters to erase with.
I had my XM Old Time Radio on and heard Bob Hope sing the original lyrics to his theme song, “Thanks for the Memories”. It was such a sweet summary. It made me think of my former fiance. Especially the part where they sing about “We who stayed together through the big things in the end were parted by the small.”
It so odd when these things rip apart like caccoons and release two new people.
I wish it didn’t suck and hurt, especially for you. I’m glad to hear you are weathering through.
Vixx
9 Teri Feb 24, 2008
Dearest Jen,
I feel like an echo (delayed, though) when I say “Wow! I thought I must have missed a post back a few months ago! What is this ‘divorcee’ section about? “… but I truly see that it could take some time and mustered up courage to fill the world in on such a huge, solar plexus punching thought/feel/reality. I certainly could not find words to send to you before today – I have been letting it simmer in my mind, waiting for the some words to come to me to say to you. And you go on, inspiring us to live our lives through the now…. ‘Thank you’, once again for the millionth time, does not seem one iota of enough to say to you!
My thoughts have been focused on you (again, as they have been many times over the last several years) because I came across a book of yours yesterday that I didn’t remember I had… and I was shocked to see how long ago I had gotten it: ‘The Woman’s Comfort Book’ and you personally signed it for me in 1993…. that is WAY before my mind would tell me that I “found” you because it thought that discovery was with ‘The Comfort Queen’s Guide to Life’ in 2000 (by the way, speaking of playing and having fun – a much more gloriously FUN title for the book inside than its revised, current title
) I must have been overwhelmed with the concepts of ‘The Woman’s Comfort Book’ at the time – something drew it and you to me but I wasn’t ready to connect yet – CQ did it, though!
Anyway, I am sending you your own words, which you inscribed for me in 1993, just reversing our names here:
To Jennifer,
May you be kind to yourself.
May you be filled with self-compassion.
May you know yourself blessed.
With love,
Teri
2008
P.S. And my favorite quote from you: “I am not all things. And I am enough.”
10 Irene Mar 3, 2008
It is so good to hear from you. I have stopped by many times, hoping I had missed an e-mail update. Do what you feel you ned to do. I trust you and I pray for you.
11 Goddess Leonie Mar 3, 2008
Dearest Jennifer,
I wanted to write. And say hello. And thank you for your words, and who you are, and your deep honesty.
Blessings,
Leonie
12 Cate Mar 7, 2008
Jennifer, it’s good to hear you sounding so upbeat and primed for creative endeavors – it has been a traumatic (earth shaking) several months for you, but there are many many fine adventures and happy moments ahead of you.
When my position in a large firm here was eliminated many months ago, I felt as though I had been slapped in the face, not to mention fearful and morose. Now, I have taken off on my own creative path as a freelance photographer and graphic designer, and there are still terrified moments to be dealt with now and again, but I know that I can do this. We are more than we know now or will probably ever be able to comprehend…
13 Julie Jordan Scott Mar 7, 2008
Ahhhh, Jen. Performance – my work in theatre – has been part of my self care regime this year. It has been such a time of loss for me… and in the last week, when I directed the Vagina Monologues and performed in an incredible three woman show called “eleemosynary” I can actually say I felt 100% grounded and phenomenal for the first time since my brother died.
Wow. Art. Performance. Being IN the center of Self Care… Lots of big love to you dear one.
14 chris zydel Mar 9, 2008
Dear Jennifer,
Yes, yes performance. I can definitely see you with your own TV show, in women’s living rooms all over the country , bringing play and creativity and laughter and total permission to be exactly who you are without fixing a thing! My goodness! What a wonderful breath of fresh air THAT would be! It’s just so deliciously subversive and so wonderfully counter to all the messages about not being good enough that we are bombarded with every day!
I am grateful, as always, for your honesty and your willingness to be vulnerable during this difficult and transformative time in your life. You are such an inspiration to me! Thank you for being so fully yourself.
Warmly,
Chris
15 Rebecca Mar 10, 2008
I check you blog every now and then to see your progress. I’m making a significant change in my life (you can read it on my blog I won’t repeat it here) and am going to embark on what I call a sabbatical year, a time to (hopefully) relax, recover and rediscover – or just plain discover what next. I’m anxious and panicy and excited all at the same time. Scary often wins out though.
16 donna joy Mar 22, 2008
eye yie yie yie, i am the frito bandito.
ok, so i butchered the spelling but you get the idea~
17 Wendy Mar 29, 2008
I have been reading your blog for quite some time now – always finding it insightful and inspirational. Now I am finding it comforting in a strange way – it is good to know that you are finding your way through the missing piece in your marriage and a divorce. And as I read other postings, I can know that other people are making it through as well. I have been a little shell-shocked in the past few months too. After a traumatic day in January when my husband had a seizure while driving and managing to get the car out of the wrong lane and off the road, we found out that he had a brain tumor. He had surgery and fortunately, no other treatment is recommended right now. So I am very grateful – that we were spared in the car, and that he made it through surgery and is recovering. I am fearful for the future, and don’t know quite how to live with the fear of a reoccurrence, of additional treatment, or worse. At first I thought going through all of that was bringing us closer together, and maybe it did at first, but now the stresses of everything have only added to the problems that we had in our marriage, and I feel more and more alone. I admire your strength, and wonder if I can be as strong as I deal with these issues. I’m barely making it through each day, trying to put on a “normal”, happy front. How do people make it through these things? Sorry that on my first posting I am “unloading” – I’m usually the positive,
encouraging, helping one. I guess that after everything that has happened recently, I just needed to have a voice somewhere – and I have appreciated your voices and all the voices that have posted comments.