Comments on: Yoga is Union

By: Jennifer Louden

Jennifer Louden — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 03:39:00 +0000

Dear Jen Squared and Every One of You Brilliant Women,

It is SHOCKING to that I’m not married anymore… and it’s a mystery why we aren’t together anymore AND it’s the right thing. I feel both incredibly sad and wildly hopeful on any given day — or even minute. I feel like our karma with each other is done, and our wonderful friendship and parenting skills are able to continue to shine… and that I did my part admirably and learned a whole raft load of life lessons.

I also don’t feel it’s unfair or that he screwed me over AT ALL. I’m leading a charmed life and the hurt and sorrow of the last three plus years only makes it sweeter.

By: Jennifer

Jennifer — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 03:24:03 +0000

jennifer,
i was shocked to read your minder & see that you used the word “divorcee!” i was speechless, confused & totally affected. it deeply resonated with me…..dare i say that my spirit actually felt the blow? having attended your retreat at kripalu last summer (i was one of “jen squared”)& since retreating with you IS knowing you, it felt as though a friend was crypticly informing me of the end of her marriage via email!!! then i was struck with a single profound thought….if YOUR union could stop working….then what is the hope for the rest of us???? you are a true, spirited, open, grounded, brave, evolved, nurturing, inspiring, walk-the-talk woman. you beam of strength & insight & over-flowing love. i learned (& still learn) so much from you that has strengthed MY marriage…it doesn’t seem fair that yours is ending. but then i realized that you are simply following your truth. some part of the relationship was not working & a relationship with unrepairable parts needs to be viewed honestly, no matter what the consequences. we all DESERVE that. so despite the raw feeling in my soul that the news of your divorce has given me, i know that you are utimately continuing to live your truth, no matter how painful, no matter how hard. and with that, you continue to exemplify what we should all strive for….listening to & being true to our inner self…as that is the best gift we can give ourselves in this life. thank you for your never-ending inspiration & guidance. i wish for you comfort, support & unconditional love.

By: Lucille

Lucille — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 14:33:48 +0000

You don’t have to put this comment on the blog. I know you have to read these first… and I wanted to email you directly.

Jen, the other day I read a post of yours where you said something about divorce and I was like, what? What a minute? How did I miss that? I didn’t know that? And thought maybe you were being metaphorical. But now I see that you are not.

I too know of what you speak. 3 years ago my ex-h said he thought he needed some space and moved out and then proceeded to drag me thru a hellish painful 2 years until our divorce was final this past August. (I came on one of your retreats with Molly during this period, at Wisdom House. I was one of the crazy ‘commuters’ who didn’t stay the night… and I was in a lot of mental pain and spent the Sunday in my car… that had nothing to do with you or Molly, it was me and my need to cocoon/seclude myself. I was feeling so much, I wanted to be a part of that wonderufl group surfing the changes in our life, but it was all so very raw and new and confusing at that point).

I know your husband was sick for a time, I remember that. Do you think men have troubles facing those kinds of stressors? Because I am pretty sure the thing that pushed mine over the edge was having our son. As much as he was/is loved and wanted, I think he couldn’t handle the changes that came to our life and to me as a result of parenthood. All I know is, I was working a full time job and doing OT hours at night and 90% handling childcare and such, and he was quitting jobs and starting new jobs and deciding to work for himself and then deciding to pursue a real estate license… and all the while lamenting how stressed he was and sleeping and gaining weight… and ignoring me.

It’s still painful. But it is over. It’s amazing too. I honestly thought of him as a soulmate. And I think deep down he still is. But he is a wounded soul and as a good man I know says, people hurt you out of their own hurt. I believe what he did to me was a result of the pain inside him that he doesn’t know how to heal. My prayer for him is that he will seek that healing soon…

In the meantime, I still work and pay the bills and raise my son and try to cobble together a life as best I can. He is welcome here and we cobble together a family as best we can. Some people think I’m crazy for how much I still give him, even if it’s just psychic energy or concern. But I still love him.

One of the ladies who posted above worte “My universe has been shaken and tumbled apart”… And that is a perfect description. Sometimes I’m driving along somewhere and it hits me “I’m divorced” and it’s weird, because I never NEVER thought that would happen to me. ANd I woudl never have pursued separation or divorce, regardless of how miserable I truly was—I was hellbent on healing our marriage but you can’t do that singlehandedly.

So here I am. I never thought I’d marry but I did. 13 years. I never imagined I’d divorce. But here I am.

I pray that you get through this. I know you will.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 19:29:58 +0000

I think I understand that “something else” you speak about in your marriage. Eveyone was shocked when my first husband and I divorced, and no one could see why it happened without me having to go into details that were painful and extremely private. Even then I couldn’t explain that “something else”, but I knew it was the something else that led us down roads we shouldn’t have even take a step onto.

My discovery has been that the “something else” turned out to be something missing, which of course can’t really be descibed either. I just know now in my second marriage what it feels like to have the missing part, even if I can’t put it into proper words. Irene you have part of it in speaking of someone who doesn’t fully “get you” or understand you. My marriage now has it’s flaws, but the “something else” doesn’t exist.

The Churchill quote sums it up perfectly, because I remember those hell days with clarity still. My universe had been shaken and tumbled apart, but it became a good thing because it meant that now I could put it back together in a way the felt right to me. With two children who were still young at the time and needed my full attention, it took longer for me to get to the deeper issues. Once I did, doors opened in places I never expected them to, mundane, spiritual and otherwise. In hindsight I dont regret our choice to divorce and see it as a step that brought growth to everyone involved that wouldn’t have happened otherwise.

Blessings to you Jennifer and all you other wonderful ladies!

By: Shelley

Shelley — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 18:30:51 +0000

Jen,
Being a literally “wounded healer” is so so hard – I’ve been there & am still coming out of it. I read something recently which, though not new, put it in a context that I could hear, & I thought of your pain and your recent separation and wondered if it might help, for a moment anyway. I hope you don’t mind if I quote:
“With separation, adults experience loss at many levels. On one level, we lose the person we were once involved with. At another level, we lose the hopes &/or dreams we had for the relationship, for ourselves operating within the grounding of the relationship, and so much more. Researchers have found that in most cases it takes about two years minimum to fully recover from a separation, and that the process of recovery is slow, gradual, with steps forward and back, a grieving process. Many describe the process as being like unpeeling the layers of an onion to find layers of loss which include:
Losses of the relationship; Loss of sexual parner; Loss of in-laws(family)& friends; Change in social activities; Changes in parental role; Physical changes; Loscial identity changes; Financial/economic changes; Loss of expectations, dreams and hopes; Loss of routine & structure; Loss of Identity…… etc., etc. The enormity of all of these many many losses and changes in our life takes time, patience, struggle, support and space for processing, new understandings and new definitions to be born or remembered.”
I apologize, because I wrote this down, but forgot to write down where I got it from – somewhere on the internet. I don’t know the author or the source.
What you are going through is HUGE. You are not “behind” in any way. Someone told me that it would take me one year of healing for every 5 years of the relationship &, for me, that has turned out to be true (although when she said it, early on, I burst into tears at the very thought!) Be gentle with yourself and remind yourself that you are doing exactly what you need to be doing right now.
Love, warm thoughts, & healing Light…